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13 yr old DD and her boyfriend - what do i do?

(22 Posts)
lemmein Fri 12-Aug-11 10:05:43

I'm worried about my 13 year old daughter.

She has been seeing this lad for a couple of weeks (hes 16 next month). Last week he wrote loads of filthy statuses on her FB (logged in on her account), I realised he had her password and told her I wanted it changing immediately.

A few days ago he changed her profile pic to an old pic she finds embarrassing. Obviously because of this I knew he STILL had her password. I told her off and told her from now on SHE isn't having her password. I reset it, and log her on when she wants to.

I was worried though why she didn't just change it - I told her to just tell him I said he wasn't allowed it, yet she didn't - to me it wasn't a huge request so her reluctance to do it made me wonder exactly what was going on on her FB.

So I logged in......he has been threatening her friends on FB, deleting lads he doesn't approve of, pretending to be her and asking her friends what they think of him. He has also been pressuring her into sex, telling her if she really loves him (like he does her *yeah right*) then she would. He told her she could take the morning after pill and I need never know(!) He's asking her REALLY personal questions, and just generally being a manipulative, control freak. I was fuming. He has also threatened her sister (who hates him) because he knew something about her and told her he would tell my DD if she didn't start talking him up (he knows she hates him).

I was furious, but weary about banning my daughter from seeing him. She has a history of self-harm and this lad was also talking about running away together, I didn't want to push her further towards him. So I told her what he had done to her sister (he denied it), told her I had read all the messages, and made it clear I don't ever want him round my house (oh yeah, he was planning on having sex with her IN MY HOUSE!!!). I stayed up with her chatting for ages, she spoke better than she has in a long time (shes normally very secretive) and I thought I'd got through to her - yet the next morning she spoke to him and hes convinced her otherwise. Back to square one.

This lad is VERY aggressive - I am genuinely worried about my DDs, especially my eldest because he blames her for the trouble over the last week (because she told me about the threats). I have told my daughter I am still reading her FB messages, but obviously they just move the controversial stuff over to Skype. I just dont feel like I can protect her from this without coming down hard on her, which I'm reluctant to do because she hasnt actually done anything wrong apart from fall for his lies. It was plainly obvious she was uncomfortable with the sex talk in the messages - and I was proud of her for telling him no chance, yet he wouldn't leave it alone. All of his messages are very manipulative, but of course my daughter cant see it. He's her first BF.

I just dont know how to keep her safe without punishing her. Any advice on how to deal with this? Should I just sit tight and wait till it fizzles out?

Though last night his mum had found out (he's muslim) about my daughter so it may not be a problem anymore, his mum went mental! Hopefully this will be enough to be the end but if not what do I do?

GypsyMoth Fri 12-Aug-11 10:12:05

I'd disconnect the Internet and distract

GypsyMoth Fri 12-Aug-11 10:13:12

Sorry, didn't finish!

It will prob fizzle out. Once school is back it will be distraction.

deemented Fri 12-Aug-11 10:14:01

Honestly? I would be going to the police, telling them that an almost sixteen year old was pressuring my thirteen year old daughter to have sex. Then i would be having very strong words with his parents as well as him.

It doesn't sound as if it would just 'fizzle out' as he is so controlling.

ZZZenAgain Fri 12-Aug-11 10:18:39

I would not be able to relax and let it take its course, he sounds like bad news and as you say quite aggressive and persistant and not even pretending to be nice to her. I'd try and get her away tbh if that is possible, remove her from the situation.

TheOriginalNutcracker Fri 12-Aug-11 10:21:01

I have a 13yr old, and if this was happening to us i'd be completely shutting down her fb account and stopping her from using the laptop.

I would also be monitering her every move.

Tortington Fri 12-Aug-11 10:24:22

id go all passive agressive and pretend the internet got cut off and i can't afford it

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit Fri 12-Aug-11 10:25:39

I agree with deemented and ZzzenAgain. You need to stop being so passive, why are you allowing this situation to continue? Your daughter is 13, barely more than a child and she's in an abusive relationship. If I'd posted this on here saying my DH was treating me in this way there would be 100+ posts of 'leave the bastard'.

Your DD is not in a position of strength given her age and vulnerabilty. You do need to take more authority and get rid of this boyfriend. Deemented is right, talk to the parents and let them know you will be getting the police involved if he contacts her again.

Georgimama Fri 12-Aug-11 10:26:30

I would send his parents print outs of what he has written on her FB, and tell them if they don't keep him away from her you will be going to the police. Disconnect her skype/FB etc. And try to find out why she even wants to be involved with someone who is so unpleasant to her.

bumpybecky Fri 12-Aug-11 10:33:44

I've also got a 13 yo. I'd also disconnect the internet completely, but not before saving all the messages / threats and printing them off. I'd try to speak to his parents and show them the messages. If i wasn't happy with their response I'd go to the Police.

As for your daughter, well she needs lots of support obviously. Has she had any counselling about the self harm? sad how stressful for all of you sad

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Fri 12-Aug-11 10:34:12

I would definitely involve the boy's parents, with printed evidence if you have it. Be prepared for them to paint your daughter as responsible for tempting him, but if you both want the relationship stopped, don't let their prejudice get in the way of the aim.
Internet access is a privilege in this house, if she's abusing it, then deny her access.
Is he at the same school? Get the school involved in monitoring what's happening on their premises; pressure, intimidation and controlling behaviour is unacceptable.
The hardest part will be getting your daughter to see that she is part of an abusive relationship and needs to step back and leave it.

TheSecondComing Fri 12-Aug-11 10:40:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Fri 12-Aug-11 10:44:53

TSC, he is manipulative and emotionally abusive, but he is also 15 and not a man.

lemmein Fri 12-Aug-11 10:52:36

Thanks for all your replies. I have to nip out so just a quick reply, I'll post properly later.

I suppose I do sound quite passive - I really arent though, this has been on my mind all week. I've considered the police but wasn't sure they'd take it seriously because he is 15 - so thats something to think about. I have also emailed this boy a few days ago telling him that if he doesnt stop laying the pressure on my daughter I will send the messages to his mum and the police. He did panic a bit about that but gave my daughter (the eldest) grief for telling.

My daughter hasnt had any counselling for the self harm. It started after my brother committed suicide. Shes actually been loads better since she started secondary school - its not a current issue but obviously lurks in the background. Me and my DH have been together for 16 years and are very happy. He is in no way controlling - infact quite the opposite so she definitely hasn't learnt to accept this behaviour from us. Infact she isn't accepting it - she knows he lies, she knows he's manipulative, she knows when he's spinning her a line - she really isn't stupid. Yet for some reason she still wants to be with him. This lad has a lot of issues and I think she feels very sorry for him. I don't think shes old enough to deal with his issues - he does sound very damaged and probably does need help - but not from my 13 year old!!

Anyway, really must go - gotta be out in 10 minutes but I'll reply to other posts later on. Really appreciate all of your input.

ZZZenAgain Fri 12-Aug-11 10:54:30

good luck to you

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit Fri 12-Aug-11 10:55:54

She's probably just really flattered and pleased to have a boyfriend.

TheSecondComing Fri 12-Aug-11 11:22:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemmein Fri 12-Aug-11 13:14:55

Bit of an update - my eldest got up this morning and showed me her phone. Last night he threatened her saying he was going to make her life a misery if she comes between him and her sister. Showed it to my younger daughter, think it finally clicked in place and shes finished with him. My daughters are VERY close, shes fuming he's done this and it was there in black and white - he couldnt deny it (well he did, obviously - idiot!)

I'm hoping this puts an end to it though I'm expecting trouble. This lad doesnt like not being in control and blames my eldest for it all (they are in the same tutor group at school) so I am worried for her. I'm going straight to the school when they go back and I'm going to let him know today that if he goes near either of them i'll be going straight to his parents (well his mum - he doesnt see his dad) and the police. We'll see how it goes....thanks for all your replies, hope its over crosses fingers

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA Fri 12-Aug-11 13:24:03

Hope it's over too. In the meantime make sure DD1 doesn't delete the message off of her phone and print out all of the face book stuff etc.

Talk to both of the girls over the weekend about dysfunctional relationships, dv, abuse, and 'puppy eyes' syndrome.

I would actually feel it was my duty to go to his mother and make her aware of what he's up to and tell her that if she doesn't reign him in the police will because you don't want this happening to other girls do you?! How would you feel if he takes up with one of your daughters friends and does rape/pressure her into sex etc - wont you feel you could have at least tried to stop it? I would.

BertieBotts Fri 12-Aug-11 13:35:19

Please let her know you are there for her and if she is frightened or worried at all to tell you because you can sort it out, no matter what he's said. It really fucks with your head being in an abusive relationship and it can really shift your sense of who is safe to trust. If you show her she can absolutely depend on you whatever, that is a really strong message. Older sis too - it sounds like she really looks out for her which is fab.

She sounds like a lovely girl, I think you need to have a talk though about how it's wonderful that she is so lovely and thoughtful to want to help with people's problems and issues, but she needs to be careful, because some people will take advantage of that. And that even if you can see the reasons behind the way someone is acting, it doesn't give them the right to treat you badly, to lie or manipulate you, or to pressure you. Quite often when people behave like this, their issues are at a level that they actually need professional help, and the only way they are going to sort them out is if they want to - not if you badger them, not if you persuade them, not if you love them "enough" - when they want to. And really you need to stay away from them until they do this, and in fact that is the best way to help someone with these issues (when you are a teenager, anyway)

She's not a twilight fan is she? I'm thinking of compiling a list of some antidote literature for teenage girls!

lemmein Fri 12-Aug-11 14:03:56

I do want to go to his parents, but his mum is pakistani born and doesnt speak english so obviously it will be quite difficult. I'm not sure what to do with that to be honest. This lad has been in trouble at school, quite serious trouble which was even in the papers (wont say what because it will identify him but it was quite bad) so I've known from day 1 he was bad news but wanted to tread carefully. I didnt want to stop her incase it pushed them together - the last thing i wanted was her running away with him and going off the rails. Obviously this was before I knew about him pressuring her into sex!

He's actually had the opposite effect to what he intended though. he told her last week I was putting things in her head - i wasnt, until I found out a few days ago about the threats and messages on FB I've kept my opinion to myself. He's told her her sister was stirring and trying to split them up - hes got her to block some of her friends on FB who don't like him. Hes really tried to isolate her but like I said, he's actually had the opposite effect because we have spoken LOADS this week. She normally keeps her feelings hidden (hence her harming herself) but this week shes been very open. She a lovely, caring girl - she even told him when he said if she got pregnant he wouldnt leave her (errrr!) that she doesnt want her own babies - she wants to look after babies that have no-one sad Shes a bit of a rescuer and i think thats what has attracted her to this lad. I'm glad though that she seen the texts today and shes realised that all the things he denied through the week were probably true too. So hes actually made her farrrrrrr closer to me and her sister. I'm really proud of her to be honest - she couldnt have defended her sister more today.

I have told her today that the lad has issues that he needs help with, but shes not the person to help him through it. I hope he does get help though - the things he wrote sounded like they came from someone so much older (not in a mature way, but in a controlling sense).

Oh and Bertie she is a Twilight fan - I've never watched them so have no idea why thats relevant lol should I be worried?

BertieBotts Sun 14-Aug-11 12:09:11

Twilight basically portrays a manipulative, controlling relationship as something wonderful and romantic - things like the main male character takes the engine out of his girlfriend's car so she can't go and visit her friends, he alienates her from her family, etc.

See this and this. They are tongue in cheek but every point is taken directly from the source material.

I don't think it's necessarily going to encourage bad relationship templates in all teenagers, and I don't think you should ban it, but a general chat about the kinds of themes it portrays would be helpful, I think.

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