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DS nearly 14, knew teenage years were tough, but this tough???

(9 Posts)
suaveharv Mon 08-Aug-11 17:13:58

Sorry a bit long....

After some advice/reassurance from those who have or are going through this. My eldest DS1 was a lovely amicable child he had his moments but basically a good kid. He'll be going into yr 9 in sep, and the last 6 months have been a little rough.
I've kept thinking chose my battles etc, try not to nag, give him his privacy, but at the end of the day he's still part of our family and is it so wrong to want an occasional conversation without him grunting, sighing or raising his eyebrows.....

He leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes, towels, clothes, hair products the list is endless.
We had a family meeting the other day, where we all spoke rationally (ish!) about what we thought was reasonable and what wasn't. The end result was that I nag too much (I know I piss myself off sometimes I go on so much) and that if I ask him to do something I should ask him once and then he'll do it within a reasonable time frame...DH backed him up on this as apparantly I nag him too...I agree, but is a habit I'm trying to kick!
The thing is, now I ask DS to do something, half hour later nothing, I ask again and he tells me that I'm nagging and that I oly have to tell him once...yeh but he hasn't bloody done it AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!

We have a younger DS who has always been a bit shall we say challanging, DS1 used to cope/manage him well up untill recently but now all hell breaks loose in the house if they are within a few feet of each other. DS1 winds DS2 up (who's 10) snide comments, tripping him up, DS2 then explodes in a rage, this afternoon a subtle shove from DS1 culminated in DS2 falling down the stairs (think there was a small amount of dramatics involved) never the less, I know there are many years of this to come and I want to know how the hell we're going to get through it.

Help!!

EssentialFattyAcid Mon 08-Aug-11 17:18:28

Did you agree what would happen when ds didn't manage to respond to a request within a reasonable time frame?

Milliways Mon 08-Aug-11 17:21:48

Depends what you are asking.

If it is "tidy your room" then needs to be "please make sure is room is tidy by end of day/before X arrives/any particular time.

If it is "please peel the spuds for dinner" then it needs to be "by x o'clock.

If you give him a time-frame he can say immediately if it not "reasonable" then if he doesn't do it you are ok to nag grin. It's school holidays so they feel they have a right to do nothing. I leave my DS instructions at night for the next day whilst I am at work (not every day, but some jobs each week), and they get done but in his own time whilst I am out.

Wait until he gets a girlfriend that wants to come round - he'll tidy his room then grin

mablemurple Mon 08-Aug-11 17:32:50

Please don't let your dh or sons use the word "nag" to you, and don't accept it as a description of your behaviour. It's such a nasty, contemptuous word and used to give them an excuse to get out of doing what you have, perfectly reasonably, asked them to do.

Agree with Milliways' idea of a time frame.

suaveharv Mon 08-Aug-11 17:38:10

Essential, I'm not sure that we did as it all got a bit crap towards the end, with the boys having a go at each other and blaming the other for there shortcomings. Blimey, I can't beleive we didn't even cover that, I feel a right div!

Milliways, have tried to leave lists, is a bit hit and miss tbh, again everything gets done within his timeframe not mine cos I'm being unreasonable...DH is a bit like this too drives me round the bloody bend.

He's either on Xbox live, mobile, fb etc all in his bedroom with the curtains drawn. During term time xbox is limited to 1 hour a day, but summer hols it's a little trickier.
Having said that, both boys head over to the grandparents some of the week so are not on gadgets, the GP's have also commented on the deteriorating relationship between the boys and the need to keep them apart. MIL has mentioned that they may not take them out to a restaurant again in the foreseeable future due to the sparring between them...

EssentialFattyAcid Mon 08-Aug-11 18:43:08

There is some advice about sibling rivalry here

Seems to run along the lines of working out to start with why your two are fighting - potential reasons being jealousy, insufficient parental attention, over focus on competitive behaviour etc. I suspect that the sibling sparring is as unenjoyable to the boys as it is to you so it might be worth trying to get behind the causes?

I very much agree with banning the use of the word "nag".

suaveharv Mon 08-Aug-11 22:10:23

thanks essential, that's a really useful link smile

bellavita Mon 08-Aug-11 22:57:05

It is the same in this house suave.

Ds1 14 will be going into Yr10 and we have ds2 (nearly 12) who is going into Yr7. Ds2 is also rather challenging.

When I am in the shower all I can hear is Ds1's voice shouting loudly at Ds2 then all hell breaks loose.

They both leave a trail of destruction behind them.

Ds1's favourite saying is "in a minute".

If I am in work and Ds1 has a training day or I am popping out, I will leave a few things for him to do in the hope that he can manage his own time, mostly, it works, but sometimes he does forget and I have to remind him when I get in.

royaljelly Tue 09-Aug-11 01:06:20

DS did his chores in record time yesterday because he wanted to meet his GIRLFRIEND at the park.... Girlfriend is highlighted because the change in teen boys is unbelievable....till it ends.. 2 weekes later!

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