teen DD - when do they come back?

[ThatVikRinA22]

dd turned 14 last month and im finding her really trying.

I realise hormones are at work, but she is surly, wont talk to me, she wont let me in her room without mass protest and is secretive.

I am really open, i dont get embarrassed and have told her she can speak to me about anything, but her embarrassment stops her. She gets embarrassed and moody about everything - i bought her some bras the other day and she wouldnt even let me adjust the straps for her.

I found out that she was talking to some lad on FB, and in the end she told me she had a boyfriend but it wasnt this FB lad - they were just best mates she said...

after much protest she eventually told me she had a boyfriend and showed me him on FB.

She told me he was 13 "but really tall"

He added me on FB a few days ago - seems he is actually 16. When i casually told her that this lad had added me she went mad, and next time i logged on he has vanished from my friends list....

During the holidays she is out almost every day - she always stays in touch, always texts me, tells me where she is etc and ive never had any reason to doubt her, but she always tells me she is with girl friends....she must be seeing this lad somewhere and sometime but whenever i ask she denies it. (i wouldnt even mind if she just told me!)

i do have access to her FB account and she knows this - but i promised i wouldnt invade her privacy unless she gave me reason to.

The way i see this we have two options. (dh is going to try and speak to her - last ditch attempt though i doubt she will open up any more to him than me but you never know)

option 1 is to simply trust what she is telling me, stay out of her business and hope to god that she is as sensible as i always thought she was

option 2 is to get tougher on her arse - tell her if she doesnt stop being so secretive that she isnt going out, that i want openess and honesty in order to earn trust.

what have other mums to teen girls done? when do they "come back"? i have always been really close to her and im finding this a wee bit hurtful though im trying to understand that she finds all this massively embarrassing....and i know she is at that awkward age....

but i really dont know how to handle this....help me, please!

[schomberg]

Are you sure he's 16? Kids often claim to be older to get past the 13+ rule on Facebook.

[ThatVikRinA22]

Ah, now that makes sense.... He doesn't look 16. Dd is still insisting he is 13. And she says she is getting fed up of him as he is "clingy" ! Perhaps this boyfriend lark isn't going to be all it's cracked up to be....

[alice15]

I think 14 is the low point for a lot of girls, or 13-15, anyway. My older DD is 17 in the autumn, and she has improved enormously in the last 6 months or so, with things having got better slowly for some time before that. I haven't had to deal with any boyfriend woes, so I can't really help with that one - instead my DD was really unhappy at school at that stage and very difficult at home. What I think is important, whatever your issues, is to pick your battles. She will not want to tell you everything any more, and on one level it's right that she shouldn't, although obviously she is not yet old enough to be making all the decisions. My DD went through a phase of extreme body privacy and is now back to not worrying about it unduly with me. If you thought she was hiding her body from you because of self harm or anorexia, that would be one thing, but if it's just that she doesn't want you adjusting her bra at the moment - that's not a big deal, really. When we were at this stage, my DD and I managed some negotiations using the questions

a) is it dangerous?
b) will you seriously regret it in the future?
c) does it affect other people?

• things I wasn't happy about but which were "no" to all three questions - such as a second hole in her lobes, or spending all her allowance on some vile garment - I painfully tried to let go about - which meant that if there was something for which one of the questions is a yes - such as unsafe arrangements home (a), or swearing horribly in front of Grandma (c), at least she knew I'd thought about why I was arguing, rather than just saying no by reflex. We both found these questions very helpful sometimes, because they made the arguments a bit more impartial, although it was still a very, very difficult time. Part of it is, I think, learning to let go - assuming your DD is still basically on the rails, she may make some decisions that you disagree with but which are actually right for her. My DD is away for her GCSE results in a couple of weeks time, and has decided to phone the school for them rather then get me to go in and get them for her. At first my instinct was to be upset, but then I realised that they are her results, not mine, and if she would rather hear them herself, she has every right to do so - I can choose whether to let myself be upset by it or not, but it's only about me if I let it be - really it's just her taking control of her own life, which is the idea, after all - she's doing it because that's how she wants to do it, not to spite me. Not saying that the boyfriend stuff is comparable, but I think it does help to try to differentiate between what you really do need to interfere with, and what you just feel you should interfere with because up till now you've been in charge. It's not easy, but it's worth thinking about, I think.

[generalhaig]

It's not just girls who are secretive and embarrassed ... Ds is 14 and he nearly has an apoplectic fit if there's the slightest chance I might see a flash of naked body ...

It also appears to be perfectly possible for young teens to be 'going out' without ever actually going out IYSWIM - ds has allegedly had 4 girlfriends -'I suspect these are text or facebook relationships as to my certain knowledge he's never even been alone with any of these girls let alone gone out with them (and I suspect it'd be news to the girls too) ...