Am a really bad Mother(8 Posts)
I have always been a really crap Mother to my son, he is 13 now and talks to me like shit.
We cannot seem to have a reasonable conversation, one or other of us always gets snappy and sarcastic and offends the other.
At which point I give up and separate myself from him. It is incredibly painful to be confronted with my failure staring me in the face.
He is an unhappy lonely boy and I know it is because of me that this is so. I could not cope with him when he was little - I did not really understand the things he did not understand IYKWIM.
I thought he was naughty and bad when he was just a toddler and did not know right from wrong. I was too harsh and critical.
I know it's too late to fix it and just don't know how I can ever come to terms with it.
You need to stop blaming yourself. Blaming yourself is just as bad as blaming him, and both are counterproductive.
You sound depressed, and you certainly need someone to talk to. Go off and see your gp, talk to him/her, ask for some counselling because you need to talk this through with someone neutral. The other thing you can do is find a parenting course for parents of teens, and you will realise that you are doing a lot of things right, even if you feel you are doing some things wrong.
You have to accept that you are where you are now, and you can only go on from here. Stop looking at the negatives, the what might have beens; it's a waste of time and energy. Start today, with little things.
Start by making a list of all the things your son is good at. All the things you like about him. Make a decision that you will count to ten (or at least 5) before snapping so that you can try to have a conversation. And plan one nice thing to do with him in the next week. It doesn't have to be a big thing - buy him a dvd and popcorn out of the blue, make his favourite dinner, offer to take him and a friend to the nearest town (and have coffee while they go to the cinema). Something small, a start.
Good advice as usual from Maryz .
I recognize myself in your post ,none of us are perfect and children are ( I tell myself )resilient .
I'm no expert ,but wonder if briefly saying to your DS " look I find this hard and know I've often been over critical ,but I still love you more than anything in the world " might help him ?
Hope more advice will come along ,I shall be watching eagerly .
Oh my word! I have just this minute had a 'discussion' with my 13 yo DS. I so identify with you.
I want to turn the clock back and do it all again properly, I don't think it's too late too fix it though, just need proper help.
I, like you, have never done anything intentionally to cause hurt or upset, but when you have stress and little support it's very hard to see the light...
I'm with you on this one OP...all the way
I went through a rough patch with ds where we couldn't communicate without arguing. We eventually agreed to draw up a contract which we both signed with about 5 do's and don'ts for each of us. For a couple of weeks we kept referring to the contract but soon we just got into better habits, and touch wood, we get on fine again now.
Oh I'm just a cow - my DS (19 ! ) has just knocked over a glass of squash on a table containing a lap top.
He brings his glass and plate into the kitchen ,my heart lifts - he's clearing up after himself!
No it's just because of the spill .
I'm angry ,lots of passive aggressive
" I,m not angry because you knocked the glass over ,anyone can have an accident .[ voice rising ] it's because you didn't think , for heavens sake why wasn't the first thing to move the lap top . It'll be me that takes it to the shop to get the data off ,me ....on and on "
Sounds like not much I suppose ,but I'm always like this - no wonder DS no confidence .
Oh god this thread is a relief! My eldest son is 13 too and there are times when I feel so guity that I just struggle with our relationship. There are times when I just dont want to be around him because its such hard work. I have no answers but I am relieved to hear Im not alone.
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