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Mixed sex sleepovers?

(34 Posts)
Fairenuff Tue 26-Jul-11 20:35:03

I posted under AIBU to stop DS 12 having mixed sex sleepovers but might have been better to put it here. At what age did you/will you stop mixed sex sleepovers?

Maryz Tue 26-Jul-11 20:46:10

Mine stopped before they finished primary school (I've seen your other thread by the way, and I think you will, sadly, have to stop - it's great when youngsters remain friends across the gender divide, but can cause trouble in the end).

Now that they are 14/15 mixed parties with sleepovers afterwards seem to be the norm, but I won't allow it. In theory, the girls sleep in one room, the boys in another, but I doubt it is possible to police hmm. And I heard one parent say "oh, the boys were meant to be in a tent, but by 2 am I was so exhausted I went to bed, so I've no idea where they slept" shock.

So I always collect from mixed parties, and sometimes bring a few of the girls back here (the ones with strict parents), so they can go to the house, but not stay.

It isn't so much a problem, in my view, for those who are in couples anyway (if they want to have sex, they will, and although I don't want to be responsible for it in my own house, I probably can't stop it anywhere else), but it can be a huge problem for those who aren't in couples. I remember a horrible night as a teen (I was about 18), where my best friend went off to her boyfriend's room, and I had to share with her boyfriend's friend, who obviously thought I was being provided for the night hmm. I ended up on the floor in the kitchen, as everyone else seemed to pair off in various rooms. It was horrible, I felt very under pressure, and wouldn't like dd to ever feel like that.

doesntfitin Tue 26-Jul-11 20:47:27

Mine have always been allowed mixed sleepovers

SecretSquirrels Tue 26-Jul-11 21:00:11

Sleepovers were never a feature when the boys were little. DS1 started to go to mixed sex sleepovers at 13 but I think that was the year when he had a lovely mixed group of friends but none of them had actually paired up.
When couples are involved I'm much less happy. The last sleepover he went to the girls were all collected at 11pm.

mycatsaysach Tue 26-Jul-11 21:05:11

never started - don't agree

Fairenuff Tue 26-Jul-11 22:47:34

The more questions I ask on this subject, the more varied the response, it seems. From the no sleepovers at all, at any age, to 14/15 year olds regularly have mixed sleepover parties and parents go to bed and leave them to it.

I think I am coming down on the no sleepovers whatsoever side, as it seems the safest.

Maryz Tue 26-Jul-11 22:59:52

The way I look at it, as well as the scenario I outlined above, I wouldn't want to be responsible for a girl getting pregnant (or worse a child forced into doing more than they wanted) under my roof [old gimmer emoticon]. And I wouldn't want any other parent put in that position.

Whatever about 17 + when it is legal, surely it is very questionable of any adult allowing underage children to have sex? And don't tell me that 14/15 year olds (or even 13 year olds) sharing rooms and/or beds won't.

There are many groups where the majority have platonic friendships - in fact dd's best friends, a group of about 5 girls and 3 or 4 boys, would a year ago have been platonic friends. But two of them have just fallen in love hmm. So sleeping over has just become much more than just a slumber party.

They are just 15.

doesntfitin, how old are your children? Because ime the parents who say they will allow it either have children under 12 or over 17, or are complete gobshites who have boys, and for some reason parents of boys seem to think a bit of experimentation is ok, whereas parents of girls tend to be a bit conservative. A massive generalisation, I know, but the parents I know who are very lax on this have only boys hmm.

Fairenuff Tue 26-Jul-11 23:07:35

Mary I agree that parents of boys have as much responsibility as parents of girls and there is no reason to treat them differently. I am, of course, just as much concerned for my DS's 'girlfriend' as I am for him. I want him to grow up to be responsible for his own actions which is why we talk openly in our house about relationships, etc.

However, looking for a bit of advice has shown me how vastly different parents' views are. Some parents would be horrified at mixed sex sleepovers, others think it's ok. So, none the wiser there really.

Maryz Tue 26-Jul-11 23:19:56

Sorry, I wasn't implying you weren't responsible. It's just a general comment and based mostly on a good friend who has three boys and said something along the lines of "oh, I don't have to worry about the sex-ed bit, I have boys" confused.

I can't see the logic myself - personally if one of my children was to have a teenage pregnancy I would prefer it to be dd, because we would have a bit of input, be able to help more, and not end up with a potential grandchild that my son was paying for but never saw, which I think is very sad.

But her attitude is that boys experimenting is a bit of fun hmm. The girls, apparently, should learn to say no shock.

Your son is 12. Just wait until you see how vastly different parents' views are on drinking, holidays overseas, staying out all night, exams, even drugs shock. You are at the beginning of a very steep learning curve, and in the end you have to make a lot of these decisions on gut feeling regardless of what other people think is ok.

Fairenuff Tue 26-Jul-11 23:22:47

Good point.

<sigh> it's not going to get any easier, is it.

mycatsaysach Tue 26-Jul-11 23:26:31

no sorry it ain't and maryz is correct.


Message withdrawn


Message withdrawn

hellymelly Tue 26-Jul-11 23:49:03

I agree with maryz -and I was also often in situations like the one she describes being in as a teenager.I didn't have a boyfriend for most of my teenage years,and I didn't drink or do drugs,and didn't lose my virginity until I was comparatively old (23) so I was often the left out one,with a friend who had said I could stay at hers or walk home with her,suddenly changing her mind.Until my big brother went to University it was ok as I would call him to come and pick me up but after that it was horrible.I even had a "friend" put me in a situation where I think she hoped I would end up having sex. It is a trickly line to walk,between protecting children and allowing them some freedom as the teen years go on.I am not looking forward to my dds being teens,I sympathise with you op.

valentia Wed 27-Jul-11 13:25:43

It depends on the situation. My friend had a mixed sex pajama party for her 16th and we were all fine. I think as long as your children know that they could be checked on at any point, they'll be less likely to try anything. We ended up doing an all nighter (we watched movies all night.), and her mum was pleasantly surprised with how well we behaved. Plus a little trust goes a long way (coming from a teens' point of view)

Wants3 Sat 30-Jul-11 15:10:15

My eldest Ds has just turned 16and has been having mixed sleepovers with a lovely group of friends since about year7. I personally would prefer that they hang out at each others houses with parents nearby than loitering around the local park or trying clubs with no adults around. I think if you trust that they will be sensible they usually are. Try and get your children picking their friends wisely from early on and they are less likely to get in with the wrong crowd!

rainbowtoenails Sat 30-Jul-11 15:49:44

This has been an eye opener for me. I thought only girls had sleepovers.

drivemecrazy63 Sun 31-Jul-11 15:20:25

i think mixed sleepovers for teens is a no go ive tried when they were 12 / 13 and the boys wouldnt leave the girls alone keep poppping in and out of each others rooms its a nightmare so now its one or the other there 11, 14,15 now and with one ds ASD its far to much hard work, ive not heard of mixed sleepovers amongst my dcs friends none have that i know of been asking for them as other posters have mentioned, yes teen boy still do have sleepovers rainbow not as much as the girls though

drivemecrazy63 Sun 31-Jul-11 15:26:11

sorry meaning to add i agree with you wants3 and perhaps if was the same friends since yr 7 i wouldnt be so wary but i totally agree with the hanging out at shoops and the park mine dont do that i wont allow it they go shopping to the city or cinema , bowling, ice skating, or round each other house but we also have a rule of dinners at 6pm so they always have to be home by then but because of where we live we have to collect or they get dropped off you couldnt walk to and from each others houses its too far... i do hate and disagree with the local nightclub doing a teens evening for lots of different reasons and have not allowed that but dd has only asked once and not mentioned again and that was down to another friend peer pressure.

usualsuspect Sun 31-Jul-11 15:27:51

You have to give them some freedom at some point though ,drivemecrazy63

drivemecrazy63 Sun 31-Jul-11 15:31:48

there you go ive just been chatting to my dd (14) and she herself says no parents shouldnt allow mixed sleepovers, its not to do with trust but IMO sorry everyone but to me its common sense.

drivemecrazy63 Sun 31-Jul-11 15:32:34

my dcs have lots and lots of freedom usual just because they dont have mixed sleepovers lol???

usualsuspect Sun 31-Jul-11 15:35:29

I've always allowed mixed sleepovers and my dds went to the local nightclub nappy nights shock

they were allowed to bus or walk to their freinds houses as well

drivemecrazy63 Sun 31-Jul-11 15:36:05

the girls want to watch rom/com the boys action and the girls want to chat about boys which they cant doif the boys are present, and the boys just want to play xbox and ps3 so why would they want a mixed sleepover anyway my daughter has just said she has more male mates at school than female but in her words that would be plain weird

drivemecrazy63 Sun 31-Jul-11 15:38:21

there is no regular bus from where we are so as ive said on prev thread in past they would have to walk 4 miles on busy dual carridgeway with no pavment and go under numerous underpasses so they cant do that , each to his own though usual

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