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Son's girlfriend is pregnant

(54 Posts)
Lilylongshanks Tue 26-Jul-11 17:11:32

I would really appreciate some help/advice with this problem. My son and his girlfriend told me last week that she is pregnant. They had decided that they did not want the baby and would be aborting. I told them that they would have our support whatever their decision. She is a lovely girl of 18 (son is 19) and about to go to Uni so this is probably the right decision for her. Both of them have conducted themselves with great dignity throughout this. I spoke to gf separately on her own just to make sure that this was what she really wanted to do and she was adamant that this is her decision (I was a bit worried that my son may have persuaded her as she has a cathloic upbringing). All was calm and sensible until I suggested to gf that she really should think about telling her own mother. What a huge mistake - her mother and sister have extreme anti-abortion views and have gone mad. She has had to move out to a friend's house and we are receiving anti abortion material through the letterbox. I am so upset and stressed about all of this that I can barely sleep. Gf wont be able to go home after the abortion - it will simply be worse- and she doesn't go to uni until October. We can look after her on a short term basis but my husband is very against having her to stay longer than a week or so as her family live close by and we are worried about their reaction. I don't know where to turn. What can I do?

mnistooaddictive Tue 26-Jul-11 17:15:08

That poor girl. Does she have any friends she can stay with? What about grandparents? I don't knowing I am afraid but I hope someone will!

PuttingMyFootInIt Tue 26-Jul-11 17:16:34

Bugger their reaction. Take her in. What a brave girl.

scurryfunge Tue 26-Jul-11 17:16:53

Let her stay at your house and report the harassment to to the police if her family give you problems. Has she already sorted out her Uni accommodation?

SenoritaViva Tue 26-Jul-11 17:18:16

What an awful story. I don't think you have done anything wrong at all, poor girl, please forget about her family and support her in any way that you can.

Is she able to get a job that supplies accommodation? This might help her save for uni.

skirt Tue 26-Jul-11 17:18:43

poor, poor girl. Make sure you let her stay with you - she will need you to support her through the abortion.

PuttingMyFootInIt Tue 26-Jul-11 17:20:30

You need to step up here. This is a really important moment, probably will be a pivotal one in her life - she needs someone on her side, she must be in bits even if she's putting on a good front. Pregnancy hormones, horrible family, probably ethical struggles if she's been raised like that, worried about uni - and she is still a child.

If she kept the baby you'd be family; be her family now, no matter what, please (I've been in a similar position to hers and it was awful. What I would've given for someone to step up for me).

I'm sure your son is doing an amazing job of supporting her but they need more than that with what they are facing, her especially.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Tue 26-Jul-11 17:21:28

Sod her family. This girl needs someone on her side. Any way of convincing your husband?

oxocube Tue 26-Jul-11 17:21:37

How utterly awful. I feel so sorry for you all - its a difficult decision to have to make without all the added pressure and drama. I would try to persuade your husband to let the girl stay with you for the next month or so at least. It sounds like you are the closest support she has just now. Re the literature, can you report it to the police as harassment? It might scare the girl's family into stopping this cruel campaign against you.

RosieMapleLeaf Tue 26-Jul-11 17:26:40

What a great Mum you've been about this, seriously, you haven't put a foot wrong. Even though it was her decision she will still be upset afterwards, can you have her to stay for a bit longer? Sounds like you have been such a wonderful support to both of them.
Her family, on the other hand, need to give themselves a shake.

Lilylongshanks Tue 26-Jul-11 17:28:42

Thankyou all for your replies. Unfortunately she has no close family as her parents seem to have no contact with extended family. Her friends all live with their parents. My mum has offered to help (god bless her) but she is elderly and would only be a short term solution. Gf is worried about staying with us as her mother lives very close - this sounds daft unless you have seen & heard some of the extreme stuff she's done in the past week.
My 2 big worries are:
1. Where can gf stay during Aug/Sept ? (altho I can hopefully sort out something suitable with one of my friends)
2. University application - none of my family have ever been to Uni and whilst I am reasonably intelligent, I have no idea of how to do this. What about funding? Will she get help if her parents refuse financial assistance? Is there a central resource that helps students with Uni applications/accomodation/finance etc?
I am stunned at her mother's reaction and wish I'd kept my big mouth shut and just be grateful they'd told me sad

SenoritaViva Tue 26-Jul-11 17:32:08

She will get help, visit the ucas website. She will end up with greater debts at the end but she will have a degree.

I am sorry that you are experiencing such abuse from the parents, someone suggested going to the police, this could be possible, she could get a court order against them coming close to her which would obviously be traumatic for her. How about approaching the CAB for their advice?

IslaValargeone Tue 26-Jul-11 17:37:15

What an awful situation.
I wouldn't normally recommend lying and I can't believe I'm suggesting this but, Would things be easier if she had a 'miscarriage' it's not exactly unfeasable what with the stress etc, and if the family are a bit extreme, it might stop them from doing something abusive?

Lilylongshanks Tue 26-Jul-11 17:38:50

I've suggested the police if the abuse continues - she is understandably reluctant. I am reserving judgement for the moment, maybe it will calm down after the event.

I've never used mumsnet before as it came along when my kids were older and I never expected it to be relevant to me. Can I just say that your responses and the process of writing down the problem have helped me to clarify the whole thing in my own mind. I'll keep you posted on any developments x

MigratingCoconuts Tue 26-Jul-11 17:40:20

Ask her school to support her through the application process. They should be able to give advice on what to do in this situation. Also, try the CAB.

I am impressed with your support of her, hope it all goes well. Poor girl.

(unless they are a catholic school who would react badly too)

Laugs Tue 26-Jul-11 17:44:41

I think if you can find a friend she can stay with that would probably be a good option. The only other thing I can think is that university halls will be empty over the summer (except for a few postgrads), so once she accepts her place she might be able to move in early? This would probably be a lonely option though, and not ideal for someone who has been through so much (unless, perhaps, your son went and stayed with her?).

There will be people at the university who she could speak to about change in circumstances, fees etc. Have a look on their website. I know at my uni there was a welfare officer who worked in the students' union.

Laugs Tue 26-Jul-11 17:45:29

I guess she has left school now though, MigratingCoconuts.

MABS Tue 26-Jul-11 17:47:44

so very well done to you, poor poor girl

SenoritaViva Tue 26-Jul-11 17:54:40

I am sure she will be offered counselling etc. at the clinic and they have come across this kind of situation before. I'm sure they can make some suggestions.

Are you sure there isn't a friend who isn't quite so local who could put her up. I would if it was one of my DD's friends (in many years time). The issue with sending her too far away is that she won't be near her friends, or your son.

AMumInScotland Tue 26-Jul-11 18:00:49

The university application process all happens online now. She will have an account and she can update her address on that to yours for now, then to wherever after that.

As to finance, if she is "independent" from her parents, she can have her finances assessed differently - she needs to contact whoever she applied to for finance, and find out what they need from her. But if she is cohabiting with your son, then his finances would be assessed as her partner, so you may want to think about how to word things if she is staying with you but they are not living together IYSWIM?

birdofparadise Tue 26-Jul-11 18:04:46

Well done so far. Practically:

- she should already have applied for Uni, so you don't need to worry about that. As long as she gets her required grades (results on 18 August) she will be in. If her grades have slipped, then she will need access to a phone, the internet and some good support on 18 and 19 August to manage clearing.

- not sure of the position 100% but I think she could be in trouble over funding if her parents are not poor - I understand that the student loan is not quite high enough to live off. Children of poor parents can borrow more, but not children of those whose parents simply don't want to contribute. She will need to try and earn money in the holidays, and to find a bank that can lend her money. She should also talk to her college about any hardship funding.

- somewhere to live: everyone needs somewhere to live. It is difficult for a pg 18 yo who is off to uni in the summer to earn very much, and almost impossible enough to live and rent. Please, please take her in. This is a life changing time for her and it could go so very wrong if she feels she is homeless. Lots of teenaged girls take very poor decisions in similar circumstances, through necessity. Even if she splits up with your son, please treat her like a daughter. Be reasonable to her parents, but if they are not reasonable back, then ignore them. Help the girl take out an injunction if they harass her and this cannot be sorted out amicably.

Laugs makes excellent points.

I know this might be tough on you (another teen in the house etc), but you will be doing so much good. You MUST talk your husband round - it is NOT the end of the world for you, but it might be for this poor girl if she does not have anywhere to live and moral support.

Scaredycat3000 Tue 26-Jul-11 18:26:58

So she is homeless? Her parents have thrown her out? Then the council have a responsibility to re home her? Yes she needs your continuing support, put on the practical side of somewhere to live, young persons advice she should be able to get. What about Connections or something like that?

oxocube Tue 26-Jul-11 18:46:52

But where would the council home a 17 year old? In a bedsit? Poor love, to go one minute from a happy family set up, supported by her parents, to a crappy bedsit on her own. Surely she can stay with her boyfriend and the lovely sounding OP until she goes to uni? The alternatives would be too cruel.

Laugs Tue 26-Jul-11 19:40:06

I can't stop thinking about this poor girl. I agree with oxocube that while she may technically be homeless, leaving her to the council to send her to a bedsit/ hostel just seems unthinkable.

Lilylongshanks, where does your husband think she should live if not with you?

I really hope that if she can't stay with you or one of her own friends, you have a nice old friend you can ask this enormous favour of. I suppose if she were to live with your mum she might be able to do some practical jobs around the house to help her out.

Scaredycat3000 Tue 26-Jul-11 19:41:12

Connections could be a good resource for her knowing her rights regards to benefits, housing rights (she doesn't have to what's offered), applying for uni grants, etc. The practical things.

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