I am shaking with anger

[Mamateur]

I have had long, serious talks with DN (lives with us) about safety around DS (22 months) and most particularly his window. DN adores DS. Today he left his window wide open and went out for the day. The window is next to his desk and chair. He knows DS can open his bedroom door and it's his favourite place to hang out if he can manage it. He had just managed to get in but I spotted him. Even so he was already on the chair next to an open window at exactly his height.

I am so angry and shocked I don't know what to say to DN. He just nods and smiles at everything we say to him but nothing goes in his head.

It is our fault for not putting locks on his window but he begged us not to because he loves to have it open when he's on his computer and promised faithfully he could never ever forget.

I am also very angry at myself for taking any risk at all with DS life but I still feel like shouting and shouting and shouting at him.

He won't be back for a couple of hours.

[activate]

you need to put a window limiter on it not a lock so he can't fall out even when open

but yes you can be cross - text him and make him come home now

[Mamateur]

Yes, I know the things. We're having it done first thing tomorrow.

[Goblinchild]

Either that or put a bolt on his door to lock when he goes out.
You are right to be angry, but you also need to stop it ever happening again.

[TheOriginalFAB]

He begged you not to put locks on the windows but you agreeing to that could have lost you your child..

[Cattleprod]

Get some window restrictors fitted so he can't open it wide enough for your DS to fall through. Your DN stuffed up so he can't really complain - and the air will still get in as he can open them a bit.

Although, to be honest, if I was a teenage boy I'd be pretty narked to have a toddler rummaging through my stuff and climbing around in my bedroom when I was out, so maybe a key lock for the door would be a better idea.

[discrete]

I feel sorry for your DN, tbh, but then I am very absent-minded and was even worse as a teenager.

How about putting a lock on his door? Or even a bolt on the outside at a height where your DS can't reach it so when he goes out his room can be out of bounds to your ds?

[colditz]

How old is your DN?

[nickschick]

I sometimes think when I read your posts that you are very extreme,im not being unpleasant in saying this and have no wish to cause a fight about it - your comment 'shaking with anger' is rather an over the top reaction,your ds wasnt hurt,your dn is still a 'child' himself and is prone to human error Im concerned you have too high an expectation of him or that you are perhaps putting too much pressure on yourself to 'cope' with the added family you have.

Sometimes you need to step back breathe a sigh of relief and instead of 'shaking with anger' look at the positives 'I am so relieved' - you know dn may forget to close the window and so now you have averted the accident you need to look at prevention .....totally locked isnt fair or safe so a limiter as as been suggested might be the next best thing.

Speak to dn and warn him of what the accident may have been but dont over react.

[2shoes]

he is a teen, they never listen, just put the safety things on the window.

[bigTillyMint]

Scary for you , but also not great that your toddler goes into his room when he's not there.

I think I'd go for the belt and braces approach - window limiter and put a lock at the top of his door and you should be responsible for checking it is locked when he is out - there may be other dangers for a toddler in his room as well as an open window.

[Mamateur]

To be honest today I feel like sending him home although I'm sure I won't. We have had him for nearly a year and in some ways he is doing much better but he makes it very clear I am just an annoying whining voice in the background of his life telling him he must or cannot do stuff. Today when I went in he had left plates and bowls all over the floor despite me having a serious talk with him about is yesterday and allowing him to choose snacks on the shop on this clear understanding. He couldn't even be bothered to hide the evidence.

To those who will say I risked my child's life I am in floods at this truth. DS only learned to open his door handle last week, it shuts very firmly.

[Goblinchild]

I must admit that my DS's room would be a minefield of hazards for anyone under about 10. Scalpels, spray paint, glass and fragile ceramics...
That's before you get to anything expensive.
Lock on the door would be my choice.

[Goblinchild]

He's a teenager, do you have any support from friends who have teens themselves?
Don't give up on him, you've done so much and come so far. He is home.

[Goblinchild]

'Today when I went in he had left plates and bowls all over the floor despite me having a serious talk with him about is yesterday and allowing him to choose snacks on the shop on this clear understanding. He couldn't even be bothered to hide the evidence. '

My DS pigged an entire box of Celebrations I'd been given and left the wrappers in a heap down the side of the settee. He's 16. So. A teenager.

[nickschick]

send him home?
his home is with you.

[colditz]

Everything he is doing, he's doing because he's a teenager. You've only had him for a year, you haven't got thelovely baby memories of him to fall back on like mothers of teenagers have.

In 12 years time, your Ds will be exactly the same.

get a limiter for ALL the windows in your house, and don't allow your Ds to play unattended in other people's bedrooms, because people who are not parents do not see the danger in the things they leave out - paint stripper, nail polish remover, nailscissors, wankmags, marbles, tiny little model soldier/trolls, enamal paint, hair straighteners - a toddler could lay his hands on any of these in a teenagers room, but the truth is that the toddler should not be there in the first place. If your nephew is to live with you, surely he is entitled to some privacy of spaceand possession?

[LIZS]

I think the anger is as much at yourself as dn. Fit the limiter (not the sort he can easily undo either) and make sure there is a lockable cupboard at very least in his room for anything obviously dangerous. However as a mother of a toddler you need to ne aware that the most innocuous of things can be potentially hazardous and dn won't anticipate that any more than you do (toiletries, shavers, painkillers, coins, stale food/drink, electricals, cables...)

[colditz]

I speak as the teenaged sibling of a toddler, BTW, I have a sister 10 years younger than me. She wasn't allowed in my bedroom, and if she got in, mum told HER off, not me.

[Littlepurpleprincess]

Your toddler is YOUR responsablity not DN's. Why are you letting him play unsupervised in DN's room? What about respecting DN's space? What about teaching your toddler some bounderies? If your DS is to young to understand that then he needs to be kept out of the room with locks or a safety gate.

Around the shared areas of your home, DN should have DS's safety in mind but he should be allowed one space where he can genuinely relax and call it 'his'.

[ragged]

I can understand you feeling very fearful/upset but not reasonable to get furious; it's one of the many (MANY) near-miss experiences of injury your DS will have, believe me. As for the DN, he's just being a dozey teen (like so many before and after him).

Some sort of already suggested solution, even just a simple hook lock on the outside of door, as well as lock on window itself, would make sense.

[HairBearz]

Just a thought - if you have a limiter, and there is a fire, is there a quick way to get it off so you can get out?

[Gastonladybird]

Some sympathy with difficulties as 18 Years between by my Dsc and dd. But dn not doing it deliberately - that is being a teenager (and as other have said you dont have baby bond to fall back on). Get a limiter (we have key on a hook by window to unlock- not sure you would want that in dn but in answer to safety query).
Also agree that his own space should be respected

[Mamateur]

He always takes DS in there to play wtih him. They have an absolute riot. THeir friendship as brothers is the loveliest thing about him coming here. The rest has been a very hard slog.

The anger is totally at myself. I don't expect him to be any more than a teenager. I post because after a few days of being treated with utter disdain by DN because I am awful and set rules, make him do his schoolwork etc. I am having a slump. Granny is lovely and lets him do whatever he wants, agrees I'm very strict to him while at the same time thanking me from the bottom of the heart for saving him from her terrible parenting skills. She has brought him up from a baby so he is unlikely to see us as his real home - we are a boot camp at best.

[Gastonladybird]

Mamateur - sympathies (and wine) as had some screaming rows with dss . But deep breath and try to put it behind you tomorrow - summer holidays also an extra trying time.

And hold onto positive as bond dn and your ds sounds great