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Really need some support

(9 Posts)
keepingupwiththejoneses Tue 19-Jul-11 19:42:48

Where to start! DS1 18 has been taking drug for almost 5 years, exp(his father) virtually encouraged it. He has been in trouble with the police repeatedly and decided to live with his father a week before his 15th birthday. A bit of a back story, in a nutshell, exp had been paying CSA who had increased his payments and exp decided he didn't want to pay so pestered ds to go live with him. Roll on 6 months and school said it was the quickest downward spiral they had ever seen. He was then expelled and started stealing and which point ex disowned him. Due to his behaviour ds has been floating between family members, then went into care who set him up in a house with another boy who moved out as ds turned it into a drug den and destroyed it. He has been living in a youth homeless hostel for the last few months but got thrown out at the beginning of june for reckless behaviour (he threw a burning object out of a 3rd floor window) I spoke to the manager who showed me the list of ds's sanctions at the hostel, they where as long as your arm, all stupid things. He is now saying he has a room at a different hostel but has never stayed there and has been blackmailing me and my dad for money. It got to a head today, I have handed over £35 in 3 days and when I spoke to my dad he had given him £30. DS refuses to get a job or go to college and can be very aggressive. I called the hostel he said he had a room in and they have never heard of him!
I just don't know what to do any more, I can't bring him home as ds2 had severe ADHD and ds3 has ASD and LD and I can have him around them, he threatens to kill ds2 in his sleep! Also our disability social worker has said that ds 2&3 would been seen as at risk if ds1 was to live here.
DH has been in ds's life since he was 17 months old and says I can't just right him off, I am not so sure. I have tried being the nice mum, the hard mum, now I just don't know if I can do it at all. to top it all of it is summer holidays next week and it is stressful enough with ds 1&2, we don't get respite!
Is it possible to cut him out of my life until he sorts out his life?

gapants Tue 19-Jul-11 19:45:33

Wow, sorry no advice here, but really didn't want to read and run. Hoepfully someone will be along with some good advice.

The only thing I would say, from my gut feeling, is that if you did have very limited, structured contact, I would say it would not be a bad thing, and would be nothing to feel bad about.

overthemill Tue 19-Jul-11 19:48:53

it is actually what you need to do, it won't change until he realises that he has to do so. If you always step in and pick him up he won't need to change. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done but it will also be the most loving.

if you need info about places to go for help for yourself let me know

keepingupwiththejoneses Wed 20-Jul-11 00:10:03

Thanks for the reply's. I know it is what I need to do. I do ok stress wise with ds2 & 3 and then ds1 blows up again so to speak. It is going to be hard but I have to do it. I also think it needs to be all or nothing.

overthemill Wed 20-Jul-11 08:51:42

it does. all or nothing and you need to totally withdraw from him. it is the only way. good luck

Maryz Wed 20-Jul-11 09:58:36

I really do sympathise with you, as we went through something similar with ds1. But he was much younger, and so we kept him at home and managed as best we could. But the violence worried me, as did the risk to my younger children. ds is now 17 and seems (touch wood) to be growing up a bit. Although we have episodes which are scary he is now in a youth training scheme and attending shock.

I know the sensible thing to say is have a complete break, but I also know it is harder to do than to say.

I think you need to take a deep breath, sit down and decide what you are willing to do for him. You need to keep a diary of all your interactions with him (get your father to do it as well) so that you all know when he has contacted you, how much money he has got, that type of thing.

When you decide what you are willing to do, tell him, and stick to it. So for example if you decide you will give him 10 quid a week, do it, but no more. If you want to do something tell him you will have a food shop for him on x day a week, or you will pay 10 a month into his mobile phone account, that type of thing. Or you are willing to feed him on such and such nights, but he must be gone by 10.

Make a list and you will feel a bit more structured and less out of control. And when he isn't there, stop yourself worrying about him, where he is, what might be happening. Just make yourself stop, you can't cope with that type of stress year after year it is too exhausting, so you have to live with the mantra "out of sight out of mind".

Two other things - firstly I have been going for counselling for the last year and it has really helped me to talk about ds to someone outside the family, and I am beginning to realise that it isn't all my fault, sometimes things happen, and you have to stop having regrets and just go from where you are now. Something similar might help you. The other thing that occurs to me from your post is that your younger children have ADHD/ASD - I'm sure you know that these things tend to run in families, so your older son might be on the spectrum which might explain (not excuse) some of his attitudes and behaviour.

My son has a diagnosis of Asperger's, and as he has got older I have realised that his AS caused his drug use, rather than his drug use causing his problems, iyswim. He suffers from anxiety and depression and self-medicates with drugs (as do a lot of people with high-functioning ASD and other mental health issues). It might be worth having a think about where the problems with your son started, and whether he might have a reason behind all his behaviour (looking at it all with fresh eyes might throw up something). I know why ds behaves as he does, which makes being dispassionate about dealing with him easier.

I don't know if this helps, but you have my sympathy smile.

purplecupcake Wed 20-Jul-11 14:06:36

You have my sympathy.. i know all to well what drugs can do to a young persons life. We went through similar kind of thing with DS.
My DS started drugs at an early age, it got so bad that i threw him out the house, I helped him get his own place.. and still then i was doing everything for him and the more i gave the more he wanted, we hit breaking point when he OD on drugs 3 times in 2 weeks and ended up setting fire to his flat .. he was arrested, he phoned me for help and pleaded with me to let him come home .. i refused to help till helped hiself.. he spent 4 months in a Young offenders. He came out of it drug free and i finally got my son back smile It broke my heart to say NO to him but it was worth it in the end

no matter how evil you think your been by cutting ties with him, sometimes its the only thing you can do

keepingupwiththejoneses Wed 20-Jul-11 16:24:45

I have decided that I will keep my contact with ds as minimal as possible. maryz I know what you mean about the asd/adhd he has been assessed and given the all clear. I have tried limiting the money I give him to food and mobile top up once a month but he would beg and beg, when I refused to give him cash he them started to get aggressive, he has never actually hit me but I am scared of him.
purple I wish he would be put in somewhere for the crimes he does but he just keeps getting off, he has an ASBO and has been on tag so I feel it is only a matter of time. I know it sounds terrible but I want him to go to prison as at least I will know where he is and that he is as safe as he can be.
I am going to speak to my dad as ds is living there at the moment, I can't carry on with the stress anymore.

purplecupcake Thu 21-Jul-11 09:17:20

To me it doesn't sound terrible that you want him to go to prison, i felt the same way, the first night my DS spent in custody was the first night i had slept peacefully in a long time smile Hang in there and stand your ground, don't let him see your scared of him.

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