Really need some support

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

Where to start! DS1 18 has been taking drug for almost 5 years, exp(his father) virtually encouraged it. He has been in trouble with the police repeatedly and decided to live with his father a week before his 15th birthday. A bit of a back story, in a nutshell, exp had been paying CSA who had increased his payments and exp decided he didn't want to pay so pestered ds to go live with him. Roll on 6 months and school said it was the quickest downward spiral they had ever seen. He was then expelled and started stealing and which point ex disowned him. Due to his behaviour ds has been floating between family members, then went into care who set him up in a house with another boy who moved out as ds turned it into a drug den and destroyed it. He has been living in a youth homeless hostel for the last few months but got thrown out at the beginning of june for reckless behaviour (he threw a burning object out of a 3rd floor window) I spoke to the manager who showed me the list of ds's sanctions at the hostel, they where as long as your arm, all stupid things. He is now saying he has a room at a different hostel but has never stayed there and has been blackmailing me and my dad for money. It got to a head today, I have handed over £35 in 3 days and when I spoke to my dad he had given him £30. DS refuses to get a job or go to college and can be very aggressive. I called the hostel he said he had a room in and they have never heard of him!
I just don't know what to do any more, I can't bring him home as ds2 had severe ADHD and ds3 has ASD and LD and I can have him around them, he threatens to kill ds2 in his sleep! Also our disability social worker has said that ds 2&3 would been seen as at risk if ds1 was to live here.
DH has been in ds's life since he was 17 months old and says I can't just right him off, I am not so sure. I have tried being the nice mum, the hard mum, now I just don't know if I can do it at all. to top it all of it is summer holidays next week and it is stressful enough with ds 1&2, we don't get respite!
Is it possible to cut him out of my life until he sorts out his life?

[gapants]

Wow, sorry no advice here, but really didn't want to read and run. Hoepfully someone will be along with some good advice.

The only thing I would say, from my gut feeling, is that if you did have very limited, structured contact, I would say it would not be a bad thing, and would be nothing to feel bad about.

[overthemill]

it is actually what you need to do, it won't change until he realises that he has to do so. If you always step in and pick him up he won't need to change. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done but it will also be the most loving.

if you need info about places to go for help for yourself let me know

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

Thanks for the reply's. I know it is what I need to do. I do ok stress wise with ds2 & 3 and then ds1 blows up again so to speak. It is going to be hard but I have to do it. I also think it needs to be all or nothing.

[overthemill]

it does. all or nothing and you need to totally withdraw from him. it is the only way. good luck

[purplecupcake]

You have my sympathy.. i know all to well what drugs can do to a young persons life. We went through similar kind of thing with DS.
My DS started drugs at an early age, it got so bad that i threw him out the house, I helped him get his own place.. and still then i was doing everything for him and the more i gave the more he wanted, we hit breaking point when he OD on drugs 3 times in 2 weeks and ended up setting fire to his flat .. he was arrested, he phoned me for help and pleaded with me to let him come home .. i refused to help till helped hiself.. he spent 4 months in a Young offenders. He came out of it drug free and i finally got my son back :) It broke my heart to say NO to him but it was worth it in the end

no matter how evil you think your been by cutting ties with him, sometimes its the only thing you can do

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

I have decided that I will keep my contact with ds as minimal as possible. maryz I know what you mean about the asd/adhd he has been assessed and given the all clear. I have tried limiting the money I give him to food and mobile top up once a month but he would beg and beg, when I refused to give him cash he them started to get aggressive, he has never actually hit me but I am scared of him.
purple I wish he would be put in somewhere for the crimes he does but he just keeps getting off, he has an ASBO and has been on tag so I feel it is only a matter of time. I know it sounds terrible but I want him to go to prison as at least I will know where he is and that he is as safe as he can be.
I am going to speak to my dad as ds is living there at the moment, I can't carry on with the stress anymore.

[purplecupcake]

To me it doesn't sound terrible that you want him to go to prison, i felt the same way, the first night my DS spent in custody was the first night i had slept peacefully in a long time :) Hang in there and stand your ground, don't let him see your scared of him.