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15 yr old ds wants his girlfriend to come on family holiday

(28 Posts)
meercatmum Wed 13-Jul-11 17:46:49

15 yr old ds has asked if his girlfriend can come on family 2 week holiday villa in Spain. He says she has never been abroad and that cost of flights will be covered by her and his savings from a part time job. There isza spare room available and she is nice enough. However I feel this is v young and am uncertain how this will change family dynamics. Dd is 13 yes old and is going to be assessed for aspergers so can get v easily upset and anxious. She has quite serious self esteem problems and gets very angry and spends approximate 1.5 hours putting on foundation makeup. She like ds girlfriend but feel concerned about it all ... Son argues that dd would behave better with another teenage girl there ...hmmmm possibly.
Ds will get really upset if we say no because as far as he is concerned there is no money implication and we have the space. Would be interested to hear others views on this as it is hard enough on a day to day basis with the 4 of us and I do realise ds often has a tough deal with all energies spent on ds and her issues at home and school!

Tortington Wed 13-Jul-11 17:48:17

depends - do you wnat to see your son and speak to him on your holiday?

kreecherlivesupstairs Thu 14-Jul-11 06:33:12

I think I'd be reluctant to upset the dynamic of your family. Could you compromise and have the GF fly over for the weekend?

inthesticks Thu 14-Jul-11 14:09:38

My 15 year old DS1 asked me the same thing.
I had told him he could bring a friend, meaning a boy. DS2 is 13 and I had said he could bring a friend as well but he chose not to.

I said no because, while I am prepared to be responsible for someone else's child on holiday, I could not guarantee to chaperone them all the time. (I would feel uncomfortable if they were left unsupervised in the accommodation.) Yes I know that if they want to do it they will find a way, but somehow it seems more my responsibility on holiday.

He took it it quite well and is bringing a male friend. The boy gets on well with both of my DSs so hopefully they will have fun together. However my family dynamics are different from yours having two boys.
Do your DS and DD enjoy spending time together normally on holiday? If not could you compromise and invite another boy?

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 14-Jul-11 14:17:34

No. I want to be relaxed on holiday and not piss about looking after someone else's child. Lot of responsibility taking a teenager which is not yours on holiday I bet. I couldn't be arsed.

maybe I would think differently if it was dd's best friend who she had known for years and years, but not a boyfriend who she could dump next week and never speak to again.

But I would still be very very reluctant. I want to relax on holiday, with my family, and spend my precious holiday time with my daughter.

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 14-Jul-11 14:18:49

Plus - apart from everything else - your priority is your daughter. You don't ant her to spend the holiday feeling anxious because she cannot relax.

I would say no if I were you.

GnomeDePlume Thu 14-Jul-11 17:54:16

Honestly, no.

There are so many 'what ifs' in this, this is just a few:

- what if she gets ill (will he look after her, what if its serious?)
- what if he gets ill (will she look after him, what if its serious?)
- what if they split up beforehand?
- what if they split up while on holiday (could you face two weeks of misery?)

IMO going on holiday is a huge step. For this reason we have always said 'no friends'.

nokissymum Thu 14-Jul-11 18:00:14

What about the girl's parents in all this ? What do they have to say, are they happy for their daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend's family ?

Frankly i feel this is all too young, what will the young couple be doing all day ? This will change the whole dynamics of "family" being on holiday as they will pair off.

Too young for all this but i know lots of families do it.

higgle Thu 14-Jul-11 18:23:15

My situation is the other way round, DS2 is going on holiday with his girlfriends family ( they are both 16) Her family are taking all 3 boyfriends ( she has a twin sister and one two years older) with them. They seem to be a very laid back relaxed family and I'm really quite jealous of this, as I think I would find it quite stressfull. I don't really think I could relax with extra people along, and was wondering if I should try harder to be more chilled sort of person.

lazymumofteenagesons Fri 15-Jul-11 13:17:03

I would be very careful about this. I have only taken kids on holiday with us whose family we know and I've known the kids since they were little and know they will do as they are told. Also its always been the same sex and I have 2 boys so they all go round together. It can be very unrelaxing otherwise. We did make one mistake a couple of years ago and I really resented my holiday being spoilt.
2 weeks is too long even if you decide its ok. Maybe compromise and she can fly out for 5 days.
Also you do realise that every time you go out for a meal or wherever you are paying for one extra.

We took an extra last year (2 weeks abroad) and it was great! I have 4 teens anyway so one more wasn't a problem.. BUT it was same sex friend so no relationship worries!

This year we are taking 3 extras camping.. two boys and a girl who all get on happily and for us it just makes it more fun.. but we have known them for years ...

meercatmum Wed 20-Jul-11 11:35:45

Thanks for all the input confirming my own feelings and hesitancy-have told ds who was a nightmare for 24 hours and told us he had already invited her which I said proved his immaturity and now seems to have accepted the decision.... Lesson for us as parents do not prevaricate for too long and raise expectations!!

upahill Thu 21-Jul-11 09:36:00

It's a no from me as well.

One of the reasons being at that age we haven't got many family holidays left as in another couple of years they will be going off with mates.

i want our last few holidays to be carefree without anyone else there.

TheRhubarb Thu 21-Jul-11 09:41:54

No from me too.
It's a family holiday. Give him another year and he won't want to go anywhere on holiday with you so I would make the most of these family holidays whilst you still can. Also it's his girlfriend and not just a friend, which changes the dynamics. I would feel uncomfortable and very very responsible for her. They are both underage and whilst there may be no intention to have sex for either of them, the temptation whilst on holiday will be high.

I would tell him that it may be your last family holiday together and that you want to relax and have a good time and not be responsible for someone else's child. Plus her parents might not even want her to go. It's sad she's never been abroad but that's not your problem. If they are still together when they turn 16 they can sod off on holiday then, but not now and not with you.

Danthe4th Thu 21-Jul-11 09:42:27

Why not invite her to stay at your house for a few days and see how everyone gets on, it may be great in which case invite her or if you don't enjoy it then you have your excuse to say not this time.

C4ro Thu 21-Jul-11 10:04:11

What a shame you said no already! I'm a yes with only some small provisos; assuming she has been the GF for a reasonable amount of time for teens (so more than about 3-6 months); If she already comes to your house enough that you know her a bit and have a good guess whether she will fit into whatever your family's idea of a good holiday is and finally if you vaguely know her parents. I both went on family holiday with and took BF on family holidays from about age 14/15 and it was great. The biggest mistake holiday I went on with BF and family was when I was older at about 21. Horrendous mismatch of ideas on what a holiday should include/ be like. I think by opening up family holidays to very good friends/ GF/ BF of your teen kids you will keep them interested to come on the holidays with you until they are much older.

noddyholder Thu 21-Jul-11 10:14:15

I would say yes with certain rules. I think if you start from a point of trust with teenagers with rules laid out from the start they are more likely to be mature and not rebel. He will be so moody as well that you will wish you had after 2 days!

Blu Thu 21-Jul-11 10:18:31

My nephews gf has been with us all on family hols and it works out really well. She fits in v well, it helps make the bf / gf relationship very friendly and family based, rather than outside the family set-up, iyswim, and she gets on v well with my younger dn.

As for illness and potential disasters - it's not such a huge thing to think about having another young person to have responsibility for, as long as both sets of pafrents are on board and understanding.

Blu Thu 21-Jul-11 10:19:23

All the 'no-ness' seems a bit sad and negative.

But I guess you have to do what you are comfortable with and feels right for you.

Yes from me. Sometimes you just have to (not you personally) lighten up. THey could be together forever, they could split the day before... who knows. If they are mature, sensible and adhere to any rules (NO bed hopping!) then it could be a nice 2 weeks - DS will be happy, make sure they include your DD so that she almost has a friend coming.... or invite one of DDs friends?

TheRhubarb Thu 21-Jul-11 10:41:54

There is a point here though. The son has already told his girlfriend she can come without confirming it with you. And you haven't spoken to her parents about it.

On that basis I would say no. He shouldn't have presumed she could come and he shouldn't be putting you in that awkward situation. Has he also told her parents she is coming? Parents of daughter's tend to be a little more protective and they may not be too thrilled about the idea.

noddyholder Thu 21-Jul-11 10:51:56

They do that though teenagers I have heard a lot of 'My parents won't mind' over the years They just assume every idea they have will be good with you too. It is nice for them to have a friend of their own on holiday At 15 a family holiday is excruciating for them Give them a few years and tehy love it because they know you pay for it all.

TheRhubarb Thu 21-Jul-11 10:57:09

A friend is one thing though, he wants to take his 15yo girlfriend. That's a bit different.
But her problem may be resolved if her parents say no. I wouldn't let my 15yo dd go on holiday with her boyfriend and his family.

noddyholder Thu 21-Jul-11 10:59:48

I think they would say yes. They are 15 and not exactly going to be shagging in the next room! This is why teens get a bad name people assume the worst. He has a girlfriend that is a fact and they could have sex anywhere much less likely with his parents around!

TheRhubarb Thu 21-Jul-11 11:21:04

I see your point however at 15 my main concern would be that she is going off with someone else's family when she should be holidaying with her own. I would feel cross that someone else is taking her abroad for the first time and even crosser if they gave the trip the ok without consulting us first.

The OP doesn't mention if she knows her parents or if they have agreed. And whilst yes you are right, they can have sex anywhere they like, it doesn't mean to say you should provide them with the means to do it. It's still illegal at that age and I wouldn't do anything that would encourage them. Once on holiday, in the sun, freedom from her parents, one thing can lead to another and I wouldn't like to be the responsible parents on guard at that time.

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