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14yr old dd - how should i be broaching this one then?

(10 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Jul-11 17:37:12

DD was 14 just this week. She is tall and very attractive and i knew it wouldnt be long before we had interest from boys etc.

It came to my attention from her facebook page that some of the people who wished her a happy birthday were a) wayyyy older than her and b) she didnt actually know half of them.

One of these face book "friends" was a bloody sailor whos ship docks here, he looked about 40, another was in Germany, looked in his 20's and was posing naked in front of a mirror! i was horrified and very very angry with DD.

DD had gone to bed, and i asked her older brother to hack into her fb account so i could see if she had had any conversations with these men, which to my massive relief she hadnt,

The following day i sat with her, we had a talk about internet safety etc and she deleted all the people on her facebook account that she didnt actually know in person. She also agreed to my having her password and seemed to fully accept and understand how silly she had been.

Great.

except that while i was on her account, i read her messages....now i knew she has been on about a lad for a while, he is 15, goes to a school nearby and she met him through friends. BUT he is 15, and there conversations really shocked me. Some of it was quite sexually explicit.

I have spoken to DD about boys etc, but how can i broach this without letting on i read her private messages? I did it for the best of intentions, to make sure she wasnt speaking with these older random men she had added, but i feel like ive read her diary or something....

We have talked, about boys in general, she swears she doesnt have a boyfriend, she swears she has not met this lad but simply talks to him on FB and she says she isnt ready for a boyfriend yet. I want to believe and trust her and she has never given me any reason not to,

but i dont want her to be wanking fodder for a 15 yr old either....he has obviously been asking her to send him some photos etc, which she appeared to have refused....i have talked to her about the danger of sending 'those' sort of pictures and she says a girl as school did it and ended up a laughing stock after the lad she sent it to posted it publicly....so she says she would never do that etc.

but their conversations were very sexually oriented and i cant help but feel shocked. We do have a really open relationship but she obviously feels she cant speak to me, or simply doesnt want to, about sex.

She promises me that when she does get a boyfriend she will tell me, and we have talked about contraception etc....but she is the one who gets embarrassed and wont really engage with me about it, she just rolls her eyes and goes "yes mum"....

What to do here do you think? this boy obviously fancies her and i suspect from the flirting going on she likes him.....its only gonna be a matter of time....help!

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Jul-11 17:39:20

(oh and of course ive got to do this conversation without letting on that i read their conversations!)

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Jul-11 19:10:34

B-u-m-p......

GypsyMoth Wed 13-Jul-11 19:30:10

What's more to say to her? You say you've covered respect, contraception etc, she isn't going to tell you anymore because it's private between her and him

You run the risk of having her confide nothing if you pressure her. Facebook culture is part of a teens life now. I don't like what I read either, but my teen girls ate both 'friends' with me on fb so I can see lots.

I don't think it's normal for teens to tell everything.

Sam100 Wed 13-Jul-11 19:35:35

The CEOPS "think you know" website here has a section aimed at 11 to 16s and covers topics like sexting and putting things on the web that you wish you had not. Maybe you could work through it first and then sit down and discuss bits of it with your dd where you have concerns without letting on that you have read her pages.

Hullygully Wed 13-Jul-11 19:37:22

They all do it. Kind of dreadful, but they do. Even ones you think absolutely wouldn't.

pointydog Wed 13-Jul-11 19:40:28

It sound slike you've dealt with it as much as you can.

I'd advise her not to write down anything she might regret if other people saw it, re facebook chat and texts.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 13-Jul-11 20:45:26

i just wanted her to have some self respect and dread the thought that this lad is going to school and telling his mates or something....(or worse - showing them)

none of their conversations are in the public domain - its all on private messaging.

i am worried that he was asking for photos and she replied she sent him one in which he could see her bra.....he then asked for another....and its vanished off fb so that worries me - what did she send him? i cant ask because im not supposed to have read the messages...

and when you read a lads comments saying what he would like to do to your daughter its a little difficult.....and she isnt exactly discouraging it.

DH read a little, said "oh charming" and said he didnt need to see anymore.

i just want her to be safe.

HuwEdwards Wed 13-Jul-11 20:50:42

I think the explicit conversations between early teens ONLY happen on social networking sites, because they're simply too embarrassed to say them face-to-face so it's probably an outpouring of feeling that gets a vent online because it doesn't in real life.

Re photos, you need to find a news story where a girl REALLY regrets sending an explicit or even semi-explicit pic - I'm sure I've read a few - do a search on bbc news site. Tell her you've heard that girls are still doing this, so you wanted to find an example of what it can do.

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