Help - 19 year old son

[blue1234]

Firstly, I apologise for this long message!
I am in desparte need of some advice regarding my son. Since he was about 13 he has been hard work, ignoring house rules, causing trouble at school ect and more recently an incident involving the police which resulted in community service. He left school with a handful of GCSE's, not great grades, started a college course which he dropped out of and has had a few jobs in the last 3 years, which have either come to an end or he has decided to leave. He is activly looking for work, but sayes there is nothing out there that he wants to do! He does not seem to realise that most of us are working in jobs we dont want to do! He will not sign on as he feels this is beneath him! He asks me for money on a daily basis which stupidly I give him. I have funded a motorbike to make things easier for him to get around as we live in a rural area, this was on the promise that he would find a job as soon as he got his bike, and yes you guessed it he still has no job and that was 2 months ago!
He lives at home in a house (rented) completly funded by me with no help from him. I have recently bought a house about 20 miles away with my partner and tend to spend most of my time there as it is easier for my job. My son often makes me feel guilty about not spending time at home especially when I say I am not giving him any money and yes I do give in!My son and my partner dont get on at all which dosnt help. This is through no fault of my partners as he has done everything over the last 10 years he could to get on with my son.
As you can imagine i am broke! I am funding two houses and giving my lazy son money on a daily basis! I am going without basic things for myself to try to keep everybody happy!I cry on a daily basis and think I may have slight depression, I seriously have forgotton how it feels to feel happy as I cant see any end to this situation.I am not looking for sympathy as I know i am very weak and struggle to say no, I just needed to get everything of my chest and hope somebody can give me some advice. Thanks for reading xxx

[javo]

blue1234 I can see that you are trying your best but your son is 19 now - he really must sign on. You need to explain you simply can no longer afford to sub him - offer to help him with the forms etc. Also you could stop renting your house and get your son to find a flat or house share which the DSS will pay for (you get nothing for housing if you live with a relative) .

If your son signed on he would get help in applying for jobs and writing cv's etc. He can't just live in limbo long term he needs to sign on or try to go back to college - I think you need to be tough which I know is hard if you are depressed - since he does not get on with your Dp could you ask a friend or relative to support you in talking to your son?

[boysrock]

He doesn't need to do anything does he? Mummy is subsidising him 100%.

Stop it!

He is 19 not 6. If he doesn't want to sign or take job then he should live with the consequences of being skint. I'm sure he will make you feel guilty. Lets face it, its far easier than a days graft.

[blue1234]

Hey, Thanks for your replies! I do know what I need to do, and it is exactly as you have both said!
Ashamed to say that Boysrock your reply made me cry, but in a good way!! I am very weak and seriously need to get a grip of the situation

[boysrock]

Ah no. Now i feel awful ~ you were meant to go and shout at him!

Fwiw you arent on your own I know of a few like this. The common denominator though is that they all have enabling parents. I do wonder if there is a fear or compensation on behalf.of the parent going on though. I also wonder if counselling helps in these cases to understand the enabling and break the habit without feeling guilty.

[blue1234]

Boysrock you have hit the nail on the head, in my situation anyway! I have a fear, unsure what it is, but probably the fear of feeling guilty as he lives on his own the majority of the time. I should not feel guilty, he is nearly 20, he has a house fully paid for, friends over all the time,sky TV, internet and food provided. I even buy his deodorant!!!
My daughter has just returned from traveling, fully funded by her and is currently working to pay off her bit of debt before moving away! She asks me for nothing!
Definatly time to open my eyes and see who is taking advantage!

[ellisbell]

what will happen to your son when you eventually die? He won't be capable of supporting himself and no woman in their right mind would take him on. Stop his money now, if you must buy his food make it basics beans and bread. Give notice on the Sky TV and internet and tell him to sign on if he wants it to continue.

I'm not surprised he doesn't get on with your partner, very few people like a leech.

[blue1234]

Thanks Ellisbell, all the replies today have really helped!

[LauLauLemon]

Honestly, cut him loose. With no help from you he will have to sign on and get housing benefit if needs be and when he realises this won't make ends meet he will have to find a job whether he wants to do it or not.

He has a sense of entirlement and no sense of self respect, respect for you or responsibility. It'll be difficult and you'll worry about him but it's what's best for him and you.

[HattiFattner]

You are fostering an dependency from your son. You. No one else. It is your duty and your responsibility to prepare your child for life in the real world and to kick him out of the nest. Your responsibility, not your partners.

I would give him notice, give up the rented house, cancel the sky and internet and phone, stop paying him any money and only buy essential, basic food that will last until the end of the tenancy.

if you don't, you will have failed your child in the most awful way - he must get out into the world and start living independently. The only way he will do this is if you cut those apron strings and let him go. He is a big lad - not a child.

If you really need to salve your conscience, rent a room in a shared house for him, and pay the deposit and the first months rent. Then he will have to get out there and get a job or sign on. Like thousands of young people around the country who are waiting tables or bar keeping or flipping burgers or carrying bricks while they look for that happy ever after job.

[mumblechum2]

Perhaps you should take him to the jobcentre and wait outside for him to sign on for JSA? They'll at least try to get him to do some sort of course if he can't find a job, and it will give him something to do all day.

It's not fair on either of you to carry on like this, but I think you know that.

[blue1234]

Thanks for all your replies!
I have had a conversation with him today, which resulted in him telling me to F off! so, guess what i did!!Told him money has stopped, and so far no begging phone calls! I have given him the rest of the week to find work, if nothing we both go to the Job Centre where he must sign on. I do wonder if he has slight depression or is it the lack of a structure to his life? His confidence is also very low. Its going to be a tough couple of months, but I should of sorted this mess out ages ago.

[gingeroots]

blue1234 - maybe stop criticising yourself so much ? Your daughter seems to have a very different attitude ,so some of it must be down to personality ,noy you .

Could you maybe have a chat with son ,explain how you're feeling .
He'll probably seem to reject it all at the time ,but will think about what you've said ( suggest non critical approach ) afterwards .
Good Luck .

[blue1234]

I have told how I feel several times, but he just throws it back at me by sayin " How do you think I feel"
then he gets upset, so I give in and the circle starts again. But I am not going to give in this time, all your replies have made me think very long and hard at the situation, just wish I had found this site months ago!

[cory]

Sounds like you have made a sound decision and just need to stand by it. Forcing him to sort out his life is really much kinder in the long run than enabling him because you can't bear to see him upset.

[MadameCastafiore]

He is playing you lady and you are letting him.

I'd get upset if I was sitting on my lazy arse doing nothing and someone threatened to stop paying for me to do so.

In all honesty you are not being a good mum whilst you are doing this - this is not what he needs - it is what he wants but your job as a parent is to correct him and make him take some responsibility for himself.

[ellisbell]

he may indeed be feeling bad about his position but your job is to make him realise that its attitude that needs to change. He can't go on saying he doesn't want to sign on and there is nothing out there he wants to do. You've tried the gentle approach for years, now you need to try being tougher.

Keep telling him he can do this - and go with him to the job centre if you think he needs that.

[tms1992]

Blue1234- I have the best solution if he is ok with doing.
I am currently a student at the Tulsa Job Corps. I am 18 about to be 19.
The tulsa Job Corps Center is a very good place to go if you are having trouble with your son. The TJCC is a government ram facility.
I stared TJCC back in Aug 2010 and i will be graduating in Sept 2011. Im so excited. The TJCC has done wonders for me.
What you need to know is that he must NOT have any felonies!! But here is the link to go an check it out. Or find somewhere close to you. tulsa.jobcorps.gov/home.aspx

I hope this helps you with your son.

Also what is great about this place is that they help you for 2 years after you graduate with finding a job or going to college. Its a great opportunity!!!