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have i failed?

(23 Posts)
purplecupcake Mon 11-Jul-11 12:33:09

I'll try and make it as short as possible

DS is 21, been through hell and back with him and hes back on the right track after spending a few months in prison through drink/drugs related things.
DD1 is 18 lives on her own near her father, i have contact with her on her terms when she wants me.
DD2 is 16, very difficult child, can be abusive violent and just damn nasty, got her onto a programme at Fairbridge which is settling her down, she was sexually assaulted last year so went to live with her dad for a while, he threw her out after 2 weeks cos his gf told him to.
DD3 is 15, always had no trouble from her till last past few weeks, shes become moody, demanding and emotionally blackmailing.

DD2 and DD3 very rarely see their father, we split up 12 years ago.. not once in 12 years has he took them anywhere, spent any money on them or done anything with them..they have him on fb where he constantly calls me a bad mother to them and how i only had kids for the money ... Is it possible DD3 is listening too much to him and blaming me for something.
This weekend DD3 went out and got totally drunk and didnt come home, she phoned me at 1.30am in the morning wanting to come home then yesterday she packed all her stuff and moved to her friends house.. shes coming home today she says.. DD2 and DD3 constantly bitch each other, and i get stuck in the middle

have i gone wrong some where, have i failed as mother..cos it feels like it sometimes

nickschick Mon 11-Jul-11 12:35:12

I think a lot of it is teenage angst .....and we as Mothers of course blame ourselves sad.

mrsc59 Mon 11-Jul-11 17:41:31

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ScaredOfCows Mon 11-Jul-11 18:02:51

mrsc59 - prison for drink/drugs doesn't have to equate to a poor upbringing. Statistics show that many prisoners have additional problems such as ASD, ADHD etc. Your comments, when you only know as much as the OPs first post, are less than helpful.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 11-Jul-11 18:07:32

That is mrsc59's first and only post on Mumsnet, so I think it's safe to ignore him/her, and I have also reported it.

activate Mon 11-Jul-11 18:13:25

why would you report it? surely MN is here for support

Are you a moderator then?

teenage years are tough - you have the problem that they're ganging together against you - can you find a way to get them together - a family meal / day out just the 5 of you?

we all fail and we all win in equal measures through the teenage years

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 11-Jul-11 18:22:03

activate, it's because the OP (purplecupcake) is here for support that I have reported mrsc59's post - her attitude and response was definitely not supportive!

activate Mon 11-Jul-11 19:01:30

oh god total misread - you're quite right and I'm an idiot - sorry BecauseI'mWorthIt I totally misread that and thought you'd reported the OP- I'm obviously not on the same planet today

apologies and may I say how nice you look in that outfit and your hairstyle really suits you too - grovel grin

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 11-Jul-11 19:42:52

grin

My only fear, activate, was that the whole thread was going to be deleted, and you would forever think I was a horrible woman!

purplecupcake Tue 12-Jul-11 08:58:52

thanks .. i didn't read what mrsc59 wrote, but im assuming it wasn't too nice. anyways for the record incase she reads it, he was sent to prison for arson..he set his flat on fire with him inside it to try and kill himself, he was a self harmer and the last attempt was a kick up the backside..he has to live with the scars each day to remind him of what he was like sad

i do days out, i end up going alone or with my partner cos no one else wants to come with me even though they choose the activity..they think i embarrass them grin lol
Its more the constant arguing, bitching and them generally putting me down that gets to me the most.
Life goes on i suppose, teenagers aint teenagers forever right ?

ZZZenAgain Tue 12-Jul-11 09:04:41

family dynamics don't sound good. I don't know what is going on, have a feeling when things start to go wrong with one member of a family, it can so easily spill over and poison the whole thing. Your ex is acting vrey irresponsibly but I don't see what you can do about it.

So atm the 15 and 16 year old girls aret he only ones who live with you and they are constantly fighting?

purplecupcake Tue 12-Jul-11 09:39:48

no my son lives at home aswell.

the 15 and 16 year old constantly fight, especially bedtimes..even if they go to bed different times. They spend alot of time together with been a close age, having the same friends.

They all put me down constantly cos i don't work and cant give them all the luxuries they want..blackberries, laptops etc.. I would love to go to work but atm im living in pain from arthirits and polymyalgia rheumatica. my partner works every hour god sends to provide for us all

There father, hes not a dad to them, never has been although he'd like to think he'd get the father of the year award every year. i never bad mouth him infront of the girls even though how bad things can get between us all
My partner has been with us 10 years, hes not there dad either..hes there to support them and does spend time with them.

Is it possible there just mixed up and confused like every other teenager

ZZZenAgain Tue 12-Jul-11 09:57:53

I just have one dc and she is not a teenager yet so I couldn't say ifthis is the normal teenager thing. I have a feeling it is not.

Don't really know what to do. Your dp sounds alright. How are you getting on with your ds?

mumsamilitant Tue 12-Jul-11 10:20:08

Oh dear Purplecupcake. Teenage years are a nightmare huh! Got a couple of stories to tell you.

My sister who has always been a single parent (shes a teacher) had a total nightmare with her only daughter. Daughter swore at her more or less constantly. Would hardly go to school, ran away, cut herself, took an overdose, drank under age, was put in a cell over night, basically, you name it, she did it! Her daughter is now nearly 20 and a total dream!!!!!!!

When I was a teenager my mum turned into an alcoholic more or less over night (put this down to her working for first time in a pub and the menopause). She left me and sis with dad. The poor man just couldnt cope with us. We faught like wildcats night and day!!!!!! Glad to say we both came out decent people in the end....

What Im trying to say honey is the nightmare does end!!!!! (My mantra as now have my own 13 and a half year old son)

Ive just started reading "Get the Hell out of my Life, but before you do can you give me and Alex a lift". This was recommended by mumsnet and is fab.

xx

mumsamilitant Tue 12-Jul-11 10:22:55

Oh and other sisters son blew the roof off their house whilst growing weed in a tank in his bedroom (sis was told and naively believed it was a tropical plant for some school project!!!). Once again... her son is fab now...

purplecupcake Tue 12-Jul-11 11:16:14

i get along with my DS just fine ZZZenagain, we have our moments like every mother and son, but hes not half as demanding as the girls

thanks mumsamilitant, you put a smile on my face..made me realise were not the only dysfunctional family out there .. i will look into getting that book.

on a brigther note i already started looking at my retirement home..and dreaming of those peaceful nights sipping tea on the balcony in the sun .. i'm allowed to dream aint i lol

rainbowtoenails Tue 12-Jul-11 11:37:20

Are they sharing a bedroom? Maybe they need space from each other?

purplecupcake Tue 12-Jul-11 12:03:00

yes they share a bedroom ... a very big one, the loft. i do agree they need there own space and own friends

rainbowtoenails Tue 12-Jul-11 12:35:51

Could you split it in two or swap other rooms around?

purplecupcake Tue 12-Jul-11 12:43:10

i wish i could, there is no way it can be done unfortunatly

rainbowtoenails Tue 12-Jul-11 13:00:16

Could you move to a bigger house?

ZZZenAgain Tue 12-Jul-11 18:46:24

when you say they are all nasty to youbecause you don't work and so they don't get the phones etc they want, you have a 21 and an 18 year old who are both out of school so ifthey want something, they have to go outand try and earn the money for it themselves. Your dp is working to support to support 6 people: you, himself and 4 dc who are not his own. Neither you nor your dp should be putting up with this lack of respect. It is just not going to stop of its own accord is it?

The 16 year old was sexually assaulted. This is obv iously very bad and then the father's gf threw her out. I don't what it is you are saying she is doing at Fairbridge but good that it is helping stabilise her a bit. She's still at school? Nothing stopping her getting a holiday job if there is one to be had, that's how you pay for phones etc your parents cannot afford to get you.

The 15 year old could do with being away from it all for a bit but I am not sure how this could be accomplished. You say she was no trouble till a few weeks ago. What happened a few weeks ago - the sister moved back in?

purplecupcake Wed 13-Jul-11 09:35:19

you are totally right in what your saying .. yeah the trouble with the 15 year old started when the 16 year old moved back in, im guessing there is alittle bit of jealousy going on there

the 16 year old is left school, at Fairbridge she is doing alot of activities including anger management, self esteem aswell as practical things like canoeing .. this week she is doing her lvl 1 in football coaching. But your right she could also be looking for some weekend work.

The 21 year old doesnt ask for money, he claims JSA and anything he borrows he always pays back, he is actively seeking work and will take any job offered to him atm

Its all down to lack of respect towards me, i have no idea where to start in getting them to respect me.. im not a bad mother, i try to do the right thing by them and always thought i brought them up to respect elders..which they do apart from me ..

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