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How should I have handled this?

(20 Posts)
Butterflybows Sun 10-Jul-11 19:27:00

Hi,
My 13 yeaols son has had the living room to himself all afternoon and left it in a mess.

I have spent the afternoon helping him with stuff he was doing and being busy elsewhere to escape the blaring TV.

After dinner, I'd wanted to sit in the living room on my computer so asked politely if he'd turn the volume down. He madwe a fuss then turned it down a bit. It was still blaring so I asked him to turn it down to '40' and he refused and sat on the remote. I kept calm and asked him for it and he told me to "f**k off" and was very vile. I told him this was the reason I wouldn't let him have Indian takeaways - cos of the rude way he spoke to me and he replied "it's because you don't have any money because you don't get off your fat arse and get a job, your a f***ing c**t". I made the mistake of telling him he doesn't work at school (countless detentions/internal exclusions) and swore at me again, threw the stool at me and stormed out the house.

My h left us just before christmas and his sister is in an psychiatric adolescent unit, so obviously there is a lot of stress BUT when he gets angry he quickly resorts to vile language (including the teachers) and I can't deal with it.

My h says they are 'just words' and I'll have to tidy up the living room etc etc and all teenage boys swear/get angry. He says I should have gone upstairs when the TV was too loud, but why should I be banished from my own living room? He's had the run of it all afternoon?

I'm very confused and at the end of my tether...any advise please??????

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 10-Jul-11 19:30:23

I would have switched the telly off for starters. And removed a treat/ipod/phone/whatever for every swear word, and sent him to his room until such time as he learns to address me with respect.

Butterflybows Sun 10-Jul-11 19:36:15

Thanks for reply.

I told him "I'm your mother, you don't speak to me like that" His reply was "I just did".

The problem is, he gets so angry. My h says: "he isn't like that at mine"

I have removed his screen from his room for rudeness but nothing makes any difference anymore. My h justs lets him swear at him cos he says its to be expected because he is a teenager, but I don't agree.

My h is the one that left, but my son is so vile to me and I can't accept it.

He has begun anger management at school and is awaiting a CAMHS appointment.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 10-Jul-11 19:49:28

I expect teenagers to swear, but not in front of me, and certainly not at me. (I have two sons, the younger about to turn 21.)

Your DS is probably angry at you because his dad's gone, and he blames you. What does he know about the circumstances?

Butterflybows Sun 10-Jul-11 19:57:51

Thanks for your reply.

He knows his dad had an affair and used his loft conversion bedroom money on his gf (£25,000+ in 7 months).

It's the lack of respect I can't understand. I tell him I don't swear at him, so he shouldn't swear at me etc. When he's angry he gets in a near uncontrolable rage. The problem is he gets away with it with his dad, so that must be confusing. He no longer gets how innapropriate it is to talk to adults in a rude way and I don't understand when this happened.

I'm beyond the end of my thether with his outbursts. If I remove myself, it means he can turn on rudeness to get his own way and I'm not having that.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 10-Jul-11 20:00:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 10-Jul-11 20:02:03

That must be painful for him. (And you!) Many teenage boys do find it difficult to contain their tempers. I used to get mine to do some hard physical stuff when they got angry; a punchbag or big cushions have their uses during those early teen years.

How is he with you when he's not angry? Would he be open to discussions about what to do when he feels the red mist descending?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 10-Jul-11 20:02:27

X post, mine to OP.

Butterflybows Sun 10-Jul-11 20:17:27

Thanks again.

I don't know where he is and I'm trying to be calm and hopes he's coming back when he's calm. He doesn't usually go out without letting me know, so I can feel panic rising.

I've told him if he hits me I'll phone the police (not an idle threat) and he tells me I'm a bad mum etc etc.

If I walk away, I feel I'm held in some kind of blackmail by him; 'give me what I want or I'll get angry' and that'll make things worse imo.

I do try to talk to him when everything is calm and normal, and he knows he shouldn't swear etc but it keeps happening.

He's got a punch bag - infact I helped him bring it downstairs earlier so he could use it whilst watching a film about boxing!

He can be lovely, very thoughtful and funny - so long as everything is going his way. It's like he's a spoilt bratt, but he knows he can't always have what he wants.

My h says he backs me up, but I disagree. If I were to take his phone off him, my h will probably say I'm not being fair because all teenage boys swear etc etc (same old same old).

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 10-Jul-11 20:23:19

Is it your daughter who is in a psychiatric adolescent unit? Do you fear he'll need this too?

I wouldn't worry too much about him being out just yet, he's probably just walking off the adrenaline and muttering under his breath about "not asking to have been born".

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 10-Jul-11 20:39:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterflybows Sun 10-Jul-11 20:46:52

OldLady - I do feel he is almost needing to go to the same unit. My d even said he should be there!

OldBag - my h hasn't got a lot of room. My son goes there for a night a week. My h is too busy reliving his youth and I wonder if it would be devisive.

Spoke to h on the phone. He agrees swearing isn't good but reckons I need to just keep reminding son of this and in a few months he'll finally learn hmm.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 10-Jul-11 21:36:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterflybows Mon 11-Jul-11 10:30:02

Thanks, Oldbag (makes me smile when I write that)

I think you are right on everything you have written smile

I think spending more time with him is the way to go. I did begin that last week, but obviously too soon to make much difference. I'm afraid to ground him incase he goes anyway, and I won't know what to do about that blush
I feel very inadequate as a parent tbh. I used to be consisstant with him re behaviour so I don't know how it's all gone so wrong.

I suggest things we could do, but he never wants to do anything that doesn't involve spending money on him. I'm sure he'd like going to the beach etc if I could get him to go.

I don't know how I've got to the point where my son won't do anything he doesn't want to do blush

I'm just holding onto the fact he can be lovely.

BusyBodd Wed 13-Jul-11 22:18:17

This isn't to excuse your son's behaviour but I wonder if he behaves like that with you because he is very angry about his Dad leaving and trusts you as a safe place to release that anger - it sucks, but it's kind of a compliment too.
He's probably scared witless because his world has crumbled around him and the only person who seems solid in it all is you.

Monty27 Wed 13-Jul-11 23:51:57

Butterfly he sounds lost and is taking it out on you sad

DON'T LET HIM.

He needs reeling in and you'll need to try and do that with all the help you can muster- while showing him he's loved, it's the 'dark tunnel' syndrome when we await the 'other side'.

tries to take own advice

It's so hard, you have my sympathy.

Butterflybows Sat 16-Jul-11 15:28:07

Thanks for your replies.

My son is now staying with his father for a few days. He has got what he wants; to be at his dads where few boundaries are put in place, he can swear and do basically what he wants. He has been rewarded for his vile and violent behaviour which resulted in him holding a pair of kitchen scissors to my throat shouting that he was going to kill me/I am the worst mom/a f**king wh**e etc. I called the police cos I was scared and he narrowly escaped having to go the police station and possible be prosecuted (he admitted what he'd done and hasn't been in trouble with the police before).

Dad is the one who had the affair, spent our son's loft conversion money on a scanky teenage mother (3 years older than our daughter) yet dad can do no wrong. I am the steady one who tries to put boundaries in place and our son won't accept these boundaries so thinks he'll get an easier life with dad and is probably on his best behaviour so he can stay with dad. My son treats me not only without respect, but utter contempt. Its like he blames me for his dad leaving.

I asked my stbx if our son had shown any remorse for his actions, he said they'd had a talk about the trouble he could have got in with the police - nothing about it being wrong fetching kitchen scissors and literally holding them on my throat. When they came to collect some clothes yesterday, my h asked our son if he was going to apologise to me and our son just said 'no' and walked out the front door with his X Box and my h just shrugged his shoulders and carried on chatting to me. He didn't make our son come back into the house to apologise. He got his own way AGAIN.

I feel I'm going mad with the unfairness of it all.

Butterflybows Sat 16-Jul-11 15:40:21

I meant to say, the above resulted in me sticking to my guns re wanting look at son's phone to prove he hadn't texted me as he should have done re a deal we made about him cycling to school.

He refused to give me his phone telling me I had no right as it was his phone/f*ck off you c**t/f**k off you wh*re etc etc. I should have walked away but we don't have the calm talk later about his behaviour because he refuses to because he wants to do what he wants and resents it being challenged. By walking away, I feel it continues to allow him to in effect bully me and get his own way be being vile - and I can't tolerate that. So, as my h says, it is my fault for letting it get to the extent it did - up to a point.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sat 16-Jul-11 22:06:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butterflybows Sun 17-Jul-11 10:19:00

Thanks OldBag.

It's a nightmare. STBX's girlfriend dumped him when the money ran out grin so he lives alone and hasn't got a girl-friend atm as far as I know.

I want my son home with me where I feel he belongs, but I don't know how we can achieve that when he refuses to accept my authority and my stbx doesn't back me up. I'm also hoping this is a sort of 'honeymoon' period for my son who is probably feeling pleased with himself atm, and I'm hoping his best behaviour won't/can't last. My son won't even talk to me on the phone.

It keeps going round and round in my head. We have a meeting with the anger management bloke on Tuesday (who agrees with me that I shouldn't be sworn at by my son and he needs boundaries etc etc) so I'm holding out for that and trying to enjoy the peace and quiet (painting dd's bedroom whilst she is in hospital - very therapeutic).

Thanks for your kind support x

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