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What should I do?

(7 Posts)
Ali7 Fri 08-Jul-11 06:35:31

I was cleaning up in my teen daughter's bedroom and throwing out old papers and found her diary. yes i couldn't help it, I read it. and was shocked! Discovered TMI as she would say and now not sure what to do. she has represented that she has never drunk at parties, kissed a boy (in spite of wanting to) and is eating and behaving properly when out of site. NOT!

I discovered that she drinks (vodka) to excess ("was wasted") and has has "dry sex" with a boy, amongst other activities. She had a list of boys and what she has done with them. Buys and wears inappropriate clothing behind our backs to parties (fishnets, high heels, hot pants and tons of makeup) and has been trying to starve herself to be skinny. At first i was wondering if this was all fantasy on her part as she has represented herself to us (me and her father) as very conservative. the whole thing made me sick, more because of her duplicity than even her actions.

The whole thing made me feel sick. that she sees boys , not as people, but as sex toys. that she is seriously lying and representing herself to her parents as something she is not. She is no afraid of us. we have, what I thought, was a good relationship with open and honest lines of communication.

I am very worried about her now. I am also worried about my parenting skills. I have values and rules, but I have openly discussed sex, drugs, drinking etc.

Any advice out there? she is 16.

kreecherlivesupstairs Fri 08-Jul-11 07:36:21

Do you think she wanted you to find her diary?

cory Fri 08-Jul-11 08:51:50

couple of thoughts:

it could be that she wants you to find the diary and that this is a cry for help

then again, it is equally possible that it is pure fantasy

I was an extremely slow developer, I never even kissed a boy until I was 19, but the secret diary I kept aged 14 was pretty steamy

Think about the realities. If she was really wasted at parties, where were you that you didn't notice? Is it likely that noone would have noticed, either her drunkenness or the subsequent hangover? If it is likely, then maybe her best protection would be for people to pay her more attention. But if it couldn't have happened, then it hasn't happened.

My own hunch would be that this is probably a case of exaggeration. A sip of vodka could easily become "being wasted" in teen language: a chaste peck on the cheek could well be transformed into "dry sex".

Danthe4th Fri 08-Jul-11 08:59:25

Check out any facebook photos on her friends and her accounts. I bet plenty have been posted if they have wild parties.

Ali7 Fri 08-Jul-11 12:50:48

I don't think it is a cry for help, as we talk every day and quite openly about everything, including sex, drugs, smoking and what's happening with her friends.

I did wonder her diary was was fabricated or exaggerated. Her father and I are planning on having a conversation tonight at dinner to feel her out on what is going on. At a minimum, she is not acting with us the way she is outside the home, but in terms of how she is comporting herself and dressing. That need to hide what she is doing is no on with me in terms of honesty. telling me she hates alcohol but secretly drinking at parties is also not on.

these parties she has been at were followed by a sleepover at a girlfriend's house, except for this week. so i am planning on saying she looked odd and like she had been drinking when she came home and ask her if that was the case. she WAS in very high spirits, but I thought that was teenaged excitement. Foolish me!

As for FB, I would have to hack into her computer to check out the FB and I feel that is really awful to do.

any further comments gratefully appreciated!

Maryz Fri 08-Jul-11 17:25:42

It would be bad to hack into her facebook page, but not to read her diary? I don't get the difference confused. She is 16, technically she can have sex with whoever she wants, so you can't really forbid her to. The drinking - if you have never seen her drunk or hungover, it seems a bit unlikely that she is downing bottles of vodka hmm. The inappropriate clothing sounds pretty normal.

It seems to me that the problem is the difference between what you thought she was like and what the diary tells you. But really, it makes no difference, she is still the same person.

If you go in all guns blazing, tell her you have read the diary and that you are shocked by it, what will you achieve? Either it is made up, in which case she will be embarrassed, or it is not, in which case she will be angry at your interfering.

I would have a long think before you challenge her about what you want to achieve. Because you will lose a lot if you admit to reading the diary; you need to make sure you will gain something, iyswim.

cory Fri 08-Jul-11 20:43:32

I would agree with Maryz. She knows, and you know, that in the long run you will not have control over what kind of person she is: that is for her to decide as she grows up - and that 18th birthday is not far off. If she feels under too much pressure to live up to a certain image you have of her, she could end up feeling she needs to get away from you as soon as she possibly can, for her own sanity. It is best if she can feel that you will accept the person she is, even if you do have rules for how she is allowed to behave while still a minor and under your roof.

btw is there any particular reason you feel make-up and high heels are inappropriate for a 16yo going to a party? If you have special conservative/religious views, you need to be aware that she may not share those as an adult: now is a good time to start compromising.

I totally do not see how anything you could mistake for teenage excitement could possibly be the same as being "wasted"- unless you are an abnormally unobservant person. Severe intoxication cannot really be mistaken for anything else; if she came across as giggly and excited she was not wasted.

But whatever you do- if you have a talk, make it a one-to-one: don't sit her down with two adults, that will make it much harder to communicate.

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