Do they all just lie?(51 Posts)
My son is 13. Gave him a choice whether I took his phone or sim off him at 10.30, he volunteered his sim after a couple of days soooo readily, i thought, hmmm hang on, this is to easy, low and behold he stuck another sim in it! blimey! im heart sore! I went into his bedroom and screeeamed at him you f.... ing little liar! how dare you! not a smart move i suppose but the first time I have caught him in a lie! Is this how its going to be for the next 5 years????
If the sky is blue, they will say it is green. Typical teen thing. They lie about everything from have you brushed your teeth to do you have homework.
You will just have to turn into Poirot and catch them out at every turn.
Next time take the phone and also remove charger.
My dd lies quite a lot and I don't really understand why. We are very easy going with her and never stop her doing reasonable things. She has a boyfriend and often goes to his house when there is no one there. I know there is no one in except my dd and bf because there are no cars on the drive and his parents are at work, yet she will tell me that his mum and dad were there. It drives me mad. If I objected to her being with him, I wouldn't have taken her round - would I???
I often feel that a lot of her lies are just silly tbh. However, you get used to it - I just refuse to believe anything she tells me! Lol.
It is fairly normal.
I use two strands in dealing with it:
a) additional sanction for lying - making it very clear that it is because of the lie. This is aimed both at punishing wrong behaviour, and also at altering the "risk/benefit" balance of trying to lie their way out of something.
b) sometimes surprising them by remitting the usual sanction if they have owned up. Obviously this depends on what the first "offence" is, as some cannot be ignored. But reward for truthfulness can be helpful, especially when combined with a reminder that you are always on their side even when things are tough. But you cannot deal with things unless you know, honestly, what those things are. (Very useful if it's the fallout from eg incidents at school).
Thanks for answers. Im also rather easy going with him, well I have been! He's 13 and a half and even let him go to bed at 10.30, which I think is quite late but he's never been a sleeper and when sent to bed at 9.30 was always awake till 12 anyway, up and down to the kitchen, in and out of the toilet. I once found a who loo roll had been made into little balls, square by square!!! lol. Maybe I need to read up on things. Has anyone got any suggestions on good books?
Good section on lying in this book - 'Get out of my life' by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks.
Yes, I think all teenagers do lie
some are bigger lies than others < traumatised >
it sounds awful, but i tend to come from the viewpoint that I don't know the full truth, and take it from there, rather than the other way around
me: I want you to think very carefully before you answer my question
me: Have you been sending texts during lessons?
ds: no, absolutely not
me: you sure about that
ds: oh yes
me: you don't want to change your answer?
ds: no, what do you take me for? of course I haven't been texting in lessons
me: you do realise that I can get a print-out of all the texts you send, who they're to and the time they're sent?
ds: ah, well maybe I sent a couple of texts in history as it was just a cover lesson and we were watching Saving Private Ryan ...
ds is 14 ...
Me: did you go over your phone bill this month dd?
dd: no I PROMISE <big eyed>
Me: then why is the bill about 30 quid more than it should be then?
dd: I don't know mum, I swear to god I have only used it to text.
Me: so you haven't sent picture messages which cost more, or downloaded apps which cost then?
dd: OHMIGOD no well I haven't, perhaps dad used my phone.
Me: dad has his own phone
dd: orange made a mistake then mum
Me: well let me look at your phone then and we can match it to what it says on the bill
dd: oh for GOD SAKE why do you never believe me, I am not lying
Me: <losing rag> look, phone bills do not lie. You can eiither tell me the truth in which case I will confiscate the phone for the weekend, or you can carry on lying and I will take it away for a week
dd: <SLAM> of phone on table then of bedroom door
dd: mum, can I borrow a tenner?
I have just found out she has been smoking as well. That was an epic row last night.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
But so did we.
It's called being a teen.
I can TELL when she lies. She does long blinks. I just let her tie herself up in knots for the amusement factor most of the time.
But last night
me: i can smell smoke on your hair
me: you have been smoking haven't you
dd: NO mum I PROMISE <long blinks>
me: I know that you are lying, there is not point in lying to me, I can tell
dd: Sophie had a cigarette and blew all the smoke on me
me: I can smell it on your breath
dd: Why do you never believe a word I say <rent hair>
me: I do believe every work you say when it is truthful. Don't treat me like a mug, I know you are lying, and I know you have been smoking, don't make it worse for yourself
dd: oh god mum I have not been lying <long blink>
me: if I looked in you school bag and pockets would I find cigarette paraphernalia?
dd: there is a lighter there and some filters but Sophie put them there because she has lost her school bag <long blink>
It took ages to get the truth out. Tears at bedtime.
I lied all the time until I was about 19, to be honest.
I used to get through a packet of polos a day.
What did you do with the shower caps?
I lied all the time as well.
Gran: don't let him kiss you will you?
me: <thinking> that ship has sailed
(It's me with a better wimbledon name change)
If you wore a shower cap when smoking your hair didn't smell
That's genius. I had short hair so not a problem, but my coat used to reek.
We've also always gone down the route of 'it'll be worse if you are lying to us" and it did take several
years occasions for DS to realise it.
Though I have to confess that I lie to him too. If he is looking a bit shifty and I think he's been up to something he shouldn't, I will say to him "DS I've heard something and I think it would be better hearing the full story from you" He usually looks very guilty and will tell me what it is.
Though so far he is proving to be a quite sensible teen when I compare his behaviour to mine at the same age
And I so realise that my tactics won't work forever and that he's going to wise up to me soon.
To the poster whose DD is smoking, I was like that and nothing my parents did could stop me. In fact the more I knew it pissed them off the more reason for me to do it.
I wish someone had shown me the effects of smoking on skin. The lung bit never bothered me but the wrinkles would have spoken to my vanity at that age! Do you have any smoking and non smoking friends that you could do haggard v non haggard face comparison to show her? I hope you get through to her somehow.
Of course, they become much smarter each year and yet their parents become older and more confused. Bless them. It's a testing few years where the truth is a matter of opinion or so I'm told.
"I promise I won't shout, if you carry on it will just get worse, little lies lead to big whoppas and it will be much worse when the truth comes out so best come clean now" I have tried that and it did work, but then you can't shout, which is very frustrating.
Me : when me and dad are away at the weekend, and you are supposed to be staying at your mates house DO NOT ENTER OUR HOUSE
dd, 15 : what do you take me for, you never trust me
Me : ok
Me (on arrival back home) : why has the shower been ripped off the wall, the house been flooded with gushing mains water, my bed been slept in, several spare quilts hurriedly shoved back into wardrobe, my laptop broken and all the chocolate (of which there was lots ) in the house been eaten ?
dd : I just popped in for something, and it was already flooded why do you never believe me..... < rents hair, throws paddy >
Me : er, no, I don't believe one word that comes out of your mouth
Cue ; 3 days of lies, lies and more lies until I eventually wear her down to tell the truth (it's not pretty) and then we get the tears and "I wanted to tell you, I just didn't know how and I knew you would go mad"
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