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I hit my 16yr old daughter

(90 Posts)
crapparent Sun 19-Jun-11 13:18:57

again. I slapped her face, grabbed hr hair and was really rough with her.

She is regularly so rude to me and shouts at me. I lost my temper, I know it is no excuse but when she is rude it hurts me so much and i lost it. I dont know what to do, this cannot happen again. DH on business trip. DD is being cold with me nd thinks I need to apologise to her. As I walked away from her, she also hit me on my back. This all happened yesterday evening.

MoreCrackThanHarlem Sun 19-Jun-11 13:30:26

I think you do need to apologise.
Explain to her why you got so upset and angry but don't make excuses for the violence. Hitting, especially around the face, and pulling hair is never acceptable.

Can you explain in more detail what has led you to this?

BitOfFun Sun 19-Jun-11 13:35:01

Would you do this to an adult who disagreed with you? It's not any more acceptable with a lippy teenager.

It might be worth seeing your GP about some anger management.

UkeHunt Sun 19-Jun-11 13:41:35

What you did is no excuse full stop. It doesn't matter what she says or how hurt you are.

Your dd is behaving like the adult here, not you.

You absolutely need to give your dd an apology and an explanation - and don't use the word 'but' in it.

Oblomov Sun 19-Jun-11 13:46:04

What you did was bad, but you know that. Bet this wasn't a one-off-event, though. what led to this ? and she hit you on the back, as you walked away ? Thats shows she was as much at a loss of contyrol as you were. Have you told your dh yet ? What does he think of her behaviour and the way she treats you. What does he think of the way you treat her ?

GettinTrimmer Sun 19-Jun-11 13:46:53

Haven't got teenagers (yet!) but a friend of mine hit her teenager round the face, she lost it and was furious - she apologised as it was the first step to opening up communication.

You must have felt at the end of your tether? No excuse I agree but talking what provoked this could help.

I remember being awful to my dad at age 17 and reducing him to tears sad

RoseWei Sun 19-Jun-11 14:33:47

Well, you posted here, OP, and that's a positive start. What led to all this - how bad does it get?
I guess you know that hitting your child was unacceptable and should never happen again.
But be gentle on yourself - you'll be feeling awful - you and DD must sit down and talk. Apologise, and tell her just how much you love her. That you want a fresh start and you're feeling lousy.
Don't beat yourself up over this - bad though it was - you and DD have got to recapture your relationship.
Take care of yourself and your DD.

teapot5 Sun 19-Jun-11 14:39:06

I liked your comment, RoseWei. It's a positive start. Positive outcomes often come from negative experiences.

Take care. xx

crapparent Sun 19-Jun-11 14:47:20

I have not apologised. I cant stop crying. I feel bad for me and I feel bad for her. I have created a bad memory that cannot be erased. This is the second time it has happened. I can't justify it. I am obssessed with my children, I love them with such passion. I am an extreme person and I cannot uderstand why DD would be the way she is. I was such a quiet and respective child. She cuts through to my heart. I have told her I cannot deal with her anymore.

crapparent Sun 19-Jun-11 14:50:35

she is spoiled and I am a walkover. I have been weak with discipline. I always want to give to her. I feel like the worst mother ever and am disgusted. I want to leave, crawl under a rock and die. DH will blame me when he comes home and tell me its my fault, that I shouldn't shout or raise my hand. He will tell me I have over reacted.

chimchar Sun 19-Jun-11 14:51:43

i really feel for you.

you need to say sorry. you need to tell her that you were wrong to hit her.

can you try to sit and talk about why you are not getting along...can you have a grown up discussion about it and listen to her side of the story...she may be feeling fed up with you too and hopefully you can agree on some middle ground.

whats done is done, and you are the need to make the first move.

good luck. be brave. go and do it now.

Mamaz0n Sun 19-Jun-11 14:52:45

I think people without teeenagers can often underestimate just how trying they can be.

I have had to walk out of the house when my teenage siblings get going. Thankfully they aren't my "problem" so i can just walk away.

Hitting her was wrong and of course you should apologise.
But it should be an apology or your violence, the upset and anger you felt at her behaviour still stands and still needs to be adressed.

Go and talk to her now that things have clamed slightly. Tell her you are sorry you hit her but that such behaviour is simply not going to be tolerated.
ask her how she feels you should react when she speaks to you like that. get her to try and see it from your POV.

CybilsLiberty Sun 19-Jun-11 14:53:08

tbh it sounds like there is a LOT more going on than just the slap

Apologise to your daughter. Explain why you did it but dont justify it

And get some help for yourself

crapparent Sun 19-Jun-11 14:55:50

trying to talk to her is so frustrating. She just replies 'i don't know', practically ALL the time, no matter what I am asking or trying to talk about. She shows little emotion at the best of times about anything.

noddyholder Sun 19-Jun-11 14:57:26

What was she doing when you hit her? We have had a really challenging year with ds He was 17 in May and I had to walk away a few times I agree you need to apologise and not say but just apologise and let her digest it. Maybe talk tomorrow?

CybilsLiberty Sun 19-Jun-11 14:59:08

I know its tough I ahve a 15 yr old who claims to despise me most of the time

Teenage girls do love barney and an argument and will push all buttons to be proved right about how little we apparently care about them

My H says I have to try to be beyond reproach with my dealings with my d which will take superhuman strength as she winds me up like no one else . We are too similar.

I'm going to suggest to her that we both tell each other what we need from each other as its so easy to get it wrong and turn into a blame game

GilbertsGrapes Sun 19-Jun-11 15:00:16

Agree with Mamazon - apologise for the hitting but not for being angry and upset with her.

I was an evil cow with my mum at that age and all she did was love me, gave me affection and love, but I remeber yanking her chain beyond breaking point one morning before school and she slapped me across the face. She too apologised for the slap, but she made me understand that she had had enough and I needed to change which i did (a fraction)

Hope you're okay?

shineoncrazydiam0nd Sun 19-Jun-11 15:01:30

I would probably apologise but not justify it. Teenagers can be incredibly rude and you lost your temper. Maybe next time she'll think twice before mouthing off at you?

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it either but it's definitely time for a proper chat about general behaviour/acceptable attitudes.

crapparent Sun 19-Jun-11 15:18:39

I just tried to talk to her. She had nothing to say other than her own 'sorry'. I explained about how hard it is to be a parent and how it hurts me to the core when she is rude to me, it breaks me. I told her that I felt like leaving and never coming back because i felt so bad. She had nothing to say so I left it and walked away.

crapparent Sun 19-Jun-11 15:20:23

Noddy, nothing was happening at the time of the 'explosion'. I was talking to her about trying to be more assertive and she didnt like it and started shouting at me. It was like a red rag to a bull and progreessed from there really.

Goblinchild Sun 19-Jun-11 15:23:38

'trying to talk to her is so frustrating. She just replies 'i don't know', practically ALL the time, no matter what I am asking or trying to talk about. She shows little emotion at the best of times about anything.'

It can be a teenage defence mechanism if you have a parent who is very emotional and passionate and involved in everything you do.
Flashback to my father and me as a teen smile
It can be very wearing, I once disappeared for three days to various friends' sofas because I couldn't cope with the intensity. He knew I was safe, just not where. I told him that if he didn't calm down and back off, I'd do it again.

alemci Sun 19-Jun-11 15:31:45

I totally understand. there are times when I want to do the same particularly with my 17 year old. I must admit that I told her whilst driving her to a dance lesson which i never even get so much as a thank you for to 'shut the up'. I try not to swear but I totally lost it with her.

Usually things build up between us and I suspect you are the same with yours.

I did apologise the next day but would not justify myself as I have done before. I think you could do the same. Don't be too hard on yourself. I find it so difficult with my dd. you have my every sympathy.

WriterofDreams Sun 19-Jun-11 15:36:24

It sounds like your relationship has totally broken down. Do you listen to what she has to say? Do you know much about her as a person? Teenagers are incredibly sensitive to criticism and despite appearances they really really want approval. You talking to her about assertiveness probably came across to her as criticism - you were trying to be helpful but all she heard was "you're not good enough, here's how to be better." She reacted really badly and it escalated from there. Do you think you could sit down with her and just have a friendly chat about who she is as a person such as her views on things and what she wants for the future? Being a teenager is really tough. Teenagers feel grown up and think they know everything about themselves but at the same time they feel very unsure about the world and what to do with themselves. Well-meaning advice from parents can really really grate on them and when you combine that with hormones it can be a recipe for disaster.

It worries me that you compare her to when you were young - she is a different person to you and you need to accept her for who she is, not who you want her to be. Hitting someone is never acceptable but you realise that so there's no point in going on about it. This should be the time where you decide that things have gone far enough and the you need to make a positive effort to change things for the better.

Mamaz0n Sun 19-Jun-11 15:38:09

There are loads of studies that suggest that during teenage years the brain starts evolving again, at a similar rate to when they are toddlers. Their decision making abilities are not fully developed and so their actions are often regrettable.

Now that only helps when you are calm and with hind sight can tell yourself that it wasn't her fault, that she is just a typical teenager. That she doesn't hate you, you aren't failing her, that this really is the exact same thing that happens in every other house up and down the country.

I don't think it is a necessarily bad thing that she didn't respond. Give it a little while for what you have said to sink in.
Also her telling you "i don't know" is probably not just to be facetious, she probably doesn't know. She just doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand what she is doing. and if she does she understand she doesn't know what to do about it.

I think with teenagers, the best way to deal with them is to treat them similarly to the way you would with a toddler.
If they have a tantrum, the worst thing you can do is to engage with it.
Say "i am not arguing with you. we will talk when you have calmed down"
then if you can, remove yourself.

And every now and then, when things are less aggressive just say "i love you" for no apparent reason. half way through eastenders or something.
Don't expect a big conversation or for any response other than a raised eyebrow and grunt.

I am also a big fan of when they are stomping up to their bedroom, yelling about how evil a mother you are and how much they hate you and blah blah poor hard done by blah blah wishes she was adopted etc etc you call up to them, when they inevitably shout "what" you say, in your sweetest most pleasant voice "I love you DD" Nothing more.

It is very easy to slip into a cycle where the only time you speak is to argue. This way you can let her have a her vent and whilst you aren't engaging with that you are telling her that despite her anger and her behaviour, you still love her. It won#t seem like it most times but it does help.
not least to lift your own mood.

WriterofDreams Sun 19-Jun-11 15:42:17

I totally agree with what Mamazon says. You can't expect a high level of maturity from teenagers, you just have to accept that they're going to be tough for a few years and try to make the best of it.

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