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Help! I've got a very difficult DD (16 yrs)

(9 Posts)
teapot5 Thu 16-Jun-11 14:34:30

Hello. I only found out about this talk forum a few days ago when I had a really bad day with my DD (16 yrs). It's going to be a long message. I know I will be alright (I have to be), but at times it's so so depressing and seems so hard to cope.

She has been very difficult for the last two years - it started with a very rude attitude to my husband followed by talking back, refusing things she was asked to do. Then it got worse and worse. Being late for school, calls from school, being nasty to her 11 yrs sister, verbal abuse to me and my husband. Since the beginning of this year she started going to parties and I know that she drinks and smokes. Her behavious is getting worse continuously. We tried to talk, being nice (yet tying to have a boundary), giving her space, walk out when things are really tense and bad, having a walk, having mum & daughter day out. There are times that she is almost connected with us again but we are losing control. She still goes to sleepover parties without telling us the address (she refuses a lift), extremely rude to us. If things don't get done as she demands she throws a major tantrum - verbal abuse, breaking things, trashing rooms. I am deeply concerned about her well-being. She might be in trouble, she might be just going through a hormonal change, also the stress she's got over the GCSEs are huge. She just doesn't seem to be able to manage her anger. This morning she started throwing things (inclding the toast she was eating) when I said that she's got to hurry to catch her train.

I'm frightened of her coming back. At the same time I want her to come back so that I know she is safe.

daireen Thu 16-Jun-11 14:42:31

Have just posted a message in another thread (DD 14 stealing from family) to say that I had similar experiences with my DS2. It was really difficult and nothing I tried seem to really work. It was not just bad for me, but my younger son would not stay alone in the same room as his brother as he was frightened.

But he did grow out of it after a couple of years, and now is a lovely 20 year old

teapot5 Thu 16-Jun-11 17:08:56

Thanks for your post, daireen. I was reading the thread (DD 14 stealing from family). I have heard from friends with similar experiences that their DD or DS grew out of it. How did you cope? At the moment it's living for alomost 'minute by minute' - living in fear. I know it sounds pathetic to 'fear' my own DD, but sadly it's true. When I am being shouted at, be thrown things at it's awful. She has even hit/scratched/kicked me before. These behaviours are only towards us. She is a different person with other people. She is desparately angry but wouldn't talk what's bothering her. She said she hates me. Is it a mental health issue? - I don't know what to think. DD is on my mind all the time and it drives me crazy.

frenchfancy Thu 16-Jun-11 17:39:19

What is her relationship like with your husband? It sounds to me as an outsider that the issue could lie there. How old was she when you remarried?

I am assuming that he isn't her Dad as you refer to him as your husband - does she have contact with her Dad?

RavenVonChaos Thu 16-Jun-11 18:15:29

I really sympathise with your situation. It sounds like you are doing everything you should be doing too.
I posted on here recently about my 17 dd who has been caught shoplifting again. She has been at a friends since last Friday and the house has been calmer and nicer without her. we are having a meeting with her today to discuss our expectations when she returns.

It might be good to sit her down and have a meeting - ask what she thinks is acceptable behaviour? Perhaps now the exams are over she may be less stressed.

I am no expert but hopefully it is just a phase. Good luck x

teapot5 Thu 16-Jun-11 18:48:43

Thank you for your messages. My husband is her daddy - sorry for the confusion. We all used to be very close - up to about 2 years ago. DD used to make a beautiful cards for mother's day, father's day, when I was ill etc. -

DD came back and I tried to talk to her about her dreadful behaviours. She just said 'shut up'. 'Fuck off - shut up!' is a her response most of the time, and often followed by trashing a room, stealing my clothes/make-up/accessaries (but not money). She is not up for a meeting. I have been trying to find 'calmer' moments to talk things thourough. But always back to square one.

Good luck with your meeting with your DD, RaveVonChaos. Please post how it goes.

My DD went out about an hour ago. Don't know where or who she is. Texted her and the reply was 'i'm safe- i'm out with mates', but she didn't say where or waht time she will be back.

Parenting at this stage is the hardest thing I've ever done.

RavenVonChaos Sat 18-Jun-11 19:49:20

Hi teapot5 hope things are better with your dd.

We had our chat and she admitted that the shoplifting is a response to anger and frustration.

She got very emotional saying that she has thrown her education away and was gutted about stopping her dancing etc. She was just like a little child. I felt really bad For her. I lost a baby 10 years ago when she was 7. I know that this has severely affected her and tried to get her to go for counselling all through school but she wasnot ready. She says that she has flashbacks that make her really anxious. We agreed to go to gp's on Monday to talk about counselling.

This was on Thursday night. We spent the whole day together on Friday - she helped me around the house and then came to watch her sister have a riding lesson. Then we all watched west side story and had a Chinese takeaway. Today she came to ASda and we have been baking and cooking all day. She is like a different person. Even the kids mentioned it.

Its really hard to parent an aggressive, thieving teen but I guess these are just symptoms. I hope that we have crossed another bridge, even if we are not out of the woods.

Keep the faith teapot5 xx good luck

teapot5 Sun 19-Jun-11 14:02:51

Hiya, lovely to hear from you, RavenVonChaos. It's a really good news that you and your DD had a 'connection' time. Sounds like a big breakthrough. I think it's important to try to understand why our DDs behave the way they do (although it's hard - I often victimise myself and feel '--but she was horrible!!, I just can't bear this any more!!').

I had a bit of a chat with my DD, too. We had a very similar day to yours on Friday. We chatted without screaming and shouting!!!! She even admitted 'I know I am really really bad.' I know it won't last and she will swear/throw things/smoke/drink etc. etc........But as long as we provide her with a home where she can feel safe and comfortable - eventually she will become a reasonable human being. Yes, I need to keep the faith.

frenchfancy Mon 20-Jun-11 19:31:46

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Just stick with it, and remember that deep down she is still your little girl.

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