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My 13 year old son is out of control! Pls advise

(9 Posts)
pomegranate1975 Mon 13-Jun-11 05:30:21

I have four children, and the oldest is 13 in 2nd year of high school.
He has changed the last one year. whenever we punish him by taking things away from him and he doesnt get what he wants he bullys us and doesnt listen till we give it back to him . My sons father and i have been separated since he was 3 years old. My husband has been raising him for the last 8 years. My son gets agressive with me e.g comes up to my face and screams and his hands are in fist but no in my face. My husband thinks he will soon be physically agressive with me. When he goes through a stage of craziness, he doesnt care about anyone but him and he will scream and yell and say he will dob on us to his biological father which he does and his real father says to stop his behaviour and start being good. My husband trys and talk with him and he just yells and blows thingsg out of proportion. our babies wake up from the yelling and screaming. eg of another fight is i didnt bring the right shorts to the swimming pools and my son kept bullying me and telling me off at the pools and he dragged it on at home as well then he went outside and says he wants to run away etc. Another fight is when his biological father took his iphone away and he blamed us for it and went off. Also when we tell him to go to his room and if doesnt feel like it he says no, we feel that we have no power over him. In general his behaviour is loving and kind but he doesnt go through stages like this once to twice a week.
We decided that we will take him to his biological dad house to live there but its been 2 days and i have feeling so heartbroken and feel like crying cause i want him back home.
My husband thinks its a bad decision and his behaviour will get worse if he stays with us. Have you been through this kind of behaviour with your teen? Is this normal or abnormal?

pomegranate1975 Mon 13-Jun-11 05:39:34

his school marks have been good. He has been getting in trouble with school, he has been suspended once and have a few warnings for different things. Also the teacher told him to go to isolation desk and she said he didnt follow instructions. So is my son sounds like he will get worse?

sweetkitten Mon 13-Jun-11 13:11:15

i do feel for you and know kind of what you are going through..believe me your not alone, and i wouldnt say its normal behaviour for a teen. I am going through a similar thing with my 16 yr old DD, Last year i totally broke down, i was on anti depressants, everyone hated been in the house when she was in.. she was physical and verbally abusive to me, her sister and my partner. In the end i gave in and put her on a train to her fathers, whom didnt want her but had no choice, he sent her back to on the first occasion of her doing something wrong.. Her attitude hasnt changed much but shes stopped been violent. Now she just screams, shouts and stamps her feet when she doesnt get her own way.

is his behaviour any better when hes with his father, and if yes then i believe for now you have made the right choice

pomegranate1975 Mon 13-Jun-11 15:21:15

his behaviour is great with his father, but he only sees him 2 days a month for the last 10 years. My son is himself and has fear of him. He seems to be polite with him. My son ended up coming back home tonight. We just thought its better cause school holidays are coming up in 3 weeks and he will get report card soon.If it gets worse then he will go for sure to his dads house. I just want to keep the family together. If he goes to his dads house then he will have to start a new school and he will be over a hour away from me. I just want to make sure its the right decision and i dont want him to hate me if i send him off. When did your daughter start acting rebellious?

tinkgirl Mon 13-Jun-11 19:56:27

I'm sorry that you are going through this, DS is only 12 and we are starting to have a bit of this although not half as bad as you from the sounds of it.

I work with teenagers and find that generally (and I mean generally) speaking when the behaviour goes down this route, it tends to be that for whatever reason they are feeling very insecure and after being brought up within a good family unit these are alien feelings to them which they probably haven't ever had before.

If he's now staying with bio dad then I'd make the effort in going and collecting him at the weekend and have a day out. Just the two of you, go the pictures, bowling, go-karting etc. Re-inforce that you are there for him. You mentioned babies in your post, so it could be that he just needs to know that he is still important to you, even though you probably spend most of your time with the younger children.

sweetkitten Tue 14-Jun-11 10:41:11

when she was about 2 i think pomegranate..she's always had a temper on her, but it wasnt until she was around 12/13 that she really started been terrible, shes ripped a telephone out the wall and threw at me in anger, i've had books thrown at me, ive been called names i didnt even know exsisted..

i do believe alot of it is due to her been insecure, after shes screamed and abused everyone, she sits and crys and says no one loves her..

i also have 4 children, none of them angels but the other 3 dont behave the way my lovely demonchild does lol

jshibbyr Tue 14-Jun-11 14:51:54

picking up on the baby thing, teenagers hate new children, younger kids get more attention leaving a teen feeling a bit lonely, left out and unloved. but being a boy and a teen... their not gonna sit and talk about it, he wants your attention, one way is to kick and scream and go back to being a toddler. give him a hug sit and talk, have you asked him why he gets so angry? i know it sounds simple, but just ask, give him a hug and a kiss be the soppy annoying embarrassing mummy, he may put on that front of "get off" but it'll make him know you love him, may be why he's good for his dad if he's the only kid there, it's a full attention thing.
good luck

pomegranate1975 Thu 16-Jun-11 04:49:42

thanks everyone for your lovely replies. I appreciate it. I ended up calling and meeting with the school counsellor and spoke to him. He gave me some tips on handling my sons anger.
He said to focus on one problem such as agression and forget the others. He said to do it for a month and sit with him and get his opinion and input on what he thinks is a good punishments etc and what relates to anger. e.g screaming in my face, yelling or breaking things etc.
i went throught this with him and he signed the contract that there will be consequences etc and if he does anthing that is related to agression he will get a warning first then, he will get 15min of playstation etc and it keeps additng up.
he was about to have his little fit yesterday and i gave him a warning and he stopped, so i hope this works permanetly to kick the agression out of the way.
But now 1st time yesterday he started saying i am weird, and that there is something wrong with me. i find his words so demeaning and hurtful.

jshibbyr Thu 16-Jun-11 16:15:56

he's just trying to get the attention through other means, stick with it it will get better

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