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How to deal with this?

(10 Posts)
lucky4 Wed 08-Jun-11 16:24:42

DS changed the minute he turned 13,he has just turned 15 now.He went from being a quiet,kind boy to a moody,foul mouthed,nasty boy who started to fight with his 6 year old brother and hit him.He has a terrible temper and if he doesnt like what he hears or whatever he will just kick,fist a door etc and swear at you.He still had the gentle side though and he would nearly always apologise for his behaviour to me but never his dad.If his dad spoke to him about his behaviour he would swear like a trooper and sometimes fist him in the arm or maybe kick him.
He had a friend(a neighbour) at the time who also goes to his school who befriended him and slowly took him away from all the other friends he had so eventually he was reliant on this one friend who played mind games with him it seems.
The friend is a controling jealous type of boy who would not speak to him for days if another boy walked home with him etc.This is what started my ds behaviour change,he seemed to think this boy was god and was afraid of upsetting him so ended up a loner reliant on this one boy.
Last summer this boy started to hang around with other boys and only called for my son occasionly and when he did he would be tagging behind like a spare part.Eventually the friend told ds to get lost etc and so my ds stayed in,hardly venturing out.Sometimes as he passed our house with his new friends he would wave at the windows assuming my ds was in looking out at him which he was some of the time.My ds wouldnt talk about it and gets extremely angry if its brought up and walks away with a foul mouthed attitude.
He started to gain a few friends at school and some times goes out with them now but only if they ask him,he will never ask them and therefore they might not bother again for a while.There is no talking to him about it he says mind your f..... business and alot more bad language with a lot of banging and stamping going on,have a 2 year old so dont always persue it,let it go for her sake,too upsetting.
The last 2 months I noticed he started to go to bed after school and wouldnt get up for maybe 2 hours or when he was called for dinner.
Was really worried about him,thought he could be ill or maybe depression which is what I think it might of been now.
A few days ago was going through history on computer and found on a few dates over the last few months he had been looking at some nasty porn sites,and had typed some dirty things into google.Was abit taken back but thought well he is ateenage boy and I am sure this is normal,he has never had a girlfriend and was probably curious.
Anyway had a word with him,got very shy,admitted it was him and ran up to his room.
Went up to talk to him as he was calm and he told me he was made to look these things up by a well known nasty bully at school.
He said this bully(who is a drug taker and wellknown for terrorising kids)picks on him or one of his friends every day.He punches him all over,asks him for money,I noticed his mobile went missing 18 months ago and he never wanted another one..strange I thought.Turns out this bully took it,read his messages and laid into him,some of them would be signed mum with a kiss.
He gets hit in the head,and generally punched,told him dirty disgusting vile things about porn and told him to look them up and come back and tell him about it.
He has several brothers who have been in prison and threatens him with them and tells him he will pull a knife on him.
DS was kicked between the legs last year and teacher rang us as he couldnt console ds who wouldnt stop crying,refused to name the bully.
DS wont report him,no one does as they are all scared and are afraid of the consequences and ds said it would make him worse.
Have promised not to report him,have heard lots of stories about him though he just hits who he likes when he likes and of course has a big gang of boys behind him,have heard boys in the past say he is psycho,this friend I mentioned earlier is now part of that bullys gang.
DS has seemed happier since telling me this and is alot calmer,he will not be in this boys year next year but will I presume still see him around school.
I am upset,blood boiling angry for my ds,and very sad that he has had to deal with this but have promised not to approach school going against every thing I feel fo my ds sake.
What a sad world we live in for one person to enjoy the fear he projects by destroying young boys lifes.Thanks for reading,just wanted to get it off my chest,to let off steam.

sweetkitten Thu 09-Jun-11 11:17:52

i would go meet this bully and give him a dose of his own medicine.. although that would probably make matters worse.. I feel for you, it must be so awful for you all, no body should have to go through this..i know you promised not to report him or go to school but surely thats the only way to stop it

Naoko Thu 09-Jun-11 11:38:46

Oh you must report it, your poor DS. I know you promised not to but he is a child and you are an adult, and sometimes you just have to do what is best even if he won't like it. I really feel for you as well, you must feel so bad hearing this sad

I know it's drastic but that kind of abuse, threats and assault is so severe, I'd consider moving him to a different school. Is that an option? Would your DS be open to it at all?

mumsamilitant Thu 09-Jun-11 14:52:04

My 13 year old was bullied a while back by a boy he was hanging around with in and out of school because my ds started going to Sea Cadets and couldnt see him as often etc. As your son, ds told me about it but begged me not to say anything. After agonising over this I did report it to the school. To my great relief they actually resolved the problem.

weetabox Thu 09-Jun-11 15:27:04

You could ring the NSPCC for some guidance - you don't have to report it, just listen to their advice. Call 0808 800 5000 it may make you feel better to have some real guidance and then decide what to do for the best.

It's good that he has been able to tell you, I'm sure things will improve now he has told you.

mamas12 Sat 11-Jun-11 02:13:48

Report it (and persue it) and remove him from the school to another one where he can have a new start.

weetabox Sat 11-Jun-11 10:29:28

Next year will be his last year. He probably has done some exam modules already, so it is important his education is not ruined, so important for next year too, his whole life ahead should not be ruined by this pathetic gang. Even if you don report it, please get him into another school ASAP. You will have to tell the school why so it will happen quickly and then they will have to look into it. I know it's a dilemma, one with no straight answer, because you simply dont want to make it worse for your boy. If he is on things like Facebook, get him to remove his account. Is he interested in joining a club or is there a local DofE group he can start? Tell your family, get everyone to rally round and provide the support for both of you. Really hope it gets better.with the summer coming up do you have relations he can stay with for a short break, so he gets away from this gang for a while?

lucky4 Sun 12-Jun-11 13:18:38

Thanks for your advice guys,really difficult one.DS has not said too much about it since but asked me did I notice "john" had been walking round with a cast on his arm for the last few weeks..well turned out he got a beating from this bully and ended up getting his arm broken...and that was because someone had reported him for something and he thought it was that boy(and this boy would be much taller and more well built than the bully).
DS is really scared of him but moving school is what I would love but not something he wants,he even said this was one of the reasons he wouldnt tell me incase I moved him.Besides it is the only secondary school here,the next one is 8 miles but would do that if that is what he wanted.
DS is a bit more calmer and happier in himself since telling me and is happy that this boy wont be in his year next term but as I told him you will still bump into him time to time around school or in town,we live in a small place so very likely.
The first thing I have always done with primary school bullying was to report it and I am not happy leaving it like this,I want to rip that boys head off for doing this to my son.I have asked ds to tell me when it happens again,dont know if he will but hope he feels he can trust me enough to tell me.
Breaks my heart to think how long its gone on and how ds has been feeling.When ds described how he felt when he would see him stroll over to him and his friends,not knowing who he was going to pick on and having to stand there and take it and how scared he was I just wanted to cry for him.
He is very fragile at the minute and dont want to push it,will see what happens,if his behaviour continues will have to reconsider.Thanks again fo your advice.

tilly3325 Sun 12-Jun-11 23:14:05

It's so easy to say you must report it, but the hard thing I have found in situations like this is that how do you report and maintain trust with your child, what if things get worse because you reported it but because you reported it against his wishes he no longer feels able to come to you, I really feel for you, have been through similar situation, although possible with a lesser level of violence involved.

weetabox Mon 13-Jun-11 10:01:05

That's true tilly3325, because in your mind there is the question of "what if I make it worse". I think the main thing right now, is to keep his trust in you - such a huge thing for him to tell you after being so isolated for so long. The see how things go. Problems tend to occur when schools fail to deal with bullying appropriately, it sounds like this has been going on for far too long, with other children involved. Maybe that's why in the back of your mind you think reporting to the school won't help (i'm guessing lucky4, but I think that may be how you are thinking right now). The school governors have key responsibilities in relation to a school’s anti-bullying practice. This includes investigating complaints about bullying. If the school aren't dealing with bullying, the School governors should be made aware of it.

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