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13year old Ds caught in a lie

(11 Posts)
mumsamilitant Tue 07-Jun-11 12:19:48

Hi everyone, new to this so bear with me! 13 year old son has started going around with a local lad from his school of same age. This boy has told me that he has a 15 year old girlfriend and has stayed at her house also implied they have had sex! My son asked me last night if he could go into putney (about 20 mins walk from home) to meet a male friend who he goes to sea cadets with. I asked him to show me the arrangements, he then told me it was to go and meet a girl who is a friend of the other boys girlfriend. I asked how old she was and he ducked the question. This is a first and I relented and said if he was going to Putney from school I wanted him home by 6.30 which as you can imagine didnt go down well. Feel I was too soft and should have just said NO! Would I have been right to say this???? help! Can I also ban him from seeing this boy?

TheRhubarb Tue 07-Jun-11 12:27:14

Beware of teenage boys boasts!

You cannot stop him from having a life outside of school unfortunately and the more you say no to his friends the more you make those friends seem like a naughty thrill.

I would invite this lad around for tea with his girlfriend, that should be cringingly embarrassing for them.
Now is also the time to have a word with your son about sex, protection and respecting his body and that of girls. Tell him to never ever presume consent, never to have sex with a girl who is drunk and that if he does have sex under the age of 16 then his partner can be prosecuted and may end up on the sex offenders register - girl or not.

Be tough but fair.

kreecherlivesupstairs Tue 07-Jun-11 12:27:22

Do you suspect he is hoping for some sexual time with the girl? If so, I would gently point out that since she is under the age of consent, he could be in big trouble.
I know that my friend was sexually active at 14, I was jealous blush shock.
I think you can say no if you are uncomfortable. As to banning him from seeing the other boy, you can out of school, but you won't have any influence while he is at school.

mumsamilitant Tue 07-Jun-11 12:44:14

Thanks for replies. I dont think I explained myself properly. This secretive thing has only just come about since hanging around with other boy. My Ds is 13 and I dont like the idea of him going off to places I dont know about, or meeting up with girls from other neighbourhoods at this age. Shouldnt he be doing this sort of thing at 15, not 13, or am i being naive? he's not a streetwise kid.

TheRhubarb Tue 07-Jun-11 12:48:59

Well you are the parent and he does live under your roof so you set the rules, but beware of being too strict with him as that may backfire and he'll lie more to sneak out and meet his friends.

Communication - sit him down and explain your fears. Every parent has the right to know where their teenagers are and should know in fact. Do you remember something in the news a few weeks ago about a Police Chief appealing for parents to find out where their children are going after he stumbled upon a gang of kids who were waiting for a knife fight that had been organised on fb? Most of the kids were your ds's age and had lied about where they were going.

Explain to him that as a parent it is your responsibility to make sure that your son is not breaking the law or is with people who are. Kids having underage sex are breaking the law (although his friend is probably just lying). And definitely have the sex chat with him if you haven't already.

mumsamilitant Tue 07-Jun-11 12:59:03

Thanks Rhubarb. This is all so new as seems he went to bed on Friday my 13 year old Ds and woke up Monday totally different. Yes, I'm quite open with him on matters of sex so have had many conversations regarding sex as they have arisen. You're right though. Need to sit down and chat with him and set some boundaries now!!! Should I instigate this tonight? or wait until we seem to be on better terms (he wasnt talking to me this morning)....

TheRhubarb Tue 07-Jun-11 13:05:54

No, do it now. Explain that you love him and that's why you are worried. You want to give him his independence and freedom but first he must prove that he is worthy of your trust and lying is not a good start. Once he's proved that he can act responsibly like an adult then you'll relax the rules a little.

We can't dictate who they choose to befriend, but we can explain why we are worried about their choices. You may find him more understanding than you think.

Good luck! smile

mumsamilitant Tue 07-Jun-11 13:11:01

Thank you! Will take him to MacDonalds for tea and a chat.

mumsamilitant Tue 07-Jun-11 15:40:41

Update - Ds just rang (straight from school - good boy) saying he was going into Putney but would be back very early. I reminded him it has to be by 6.30 and he said it would be before! phew!

TheRhubarb Tue 07-Jun-11 16:18:55

See! He IS a good boy really, he's probably just discovering if he has a bad side and how far he can push his boundaries. When he's grown up and married he'll still be ringing home telling his wife he'll be back by a certain time - and getting short shrift if he doesn't! Best to train them now really.

mumsamilitant Wed 08-Jun-11 15:39:25

Yes, delighted with his maturity I have to say. We went to MacDonalds, would like to say it was a long chat but very brief and straight to the point! (down to him of course). He helped me set a few boundaries... His were more strict than what I had in mind so went with him!!! he he

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