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Parenting a teenager I am finding it difficult, no make that impossible

(16 Posts)
lostsomewere Sun 05-Jun-11 22:48:20

I have namechanged.

DD is 15 her behaviour has been gradually getting worse since she was about 14. She split up from her b/f in Feb and has gone off the rails since.

She is on the verge of getting expelled from school, She is truanting and being verbally abusive to teachers (although the few teachers she likes give her excellent reports).

She is drinking and has recently started to smoke. I know some teenagers start to drink at this age but on occasion she is totally wasted. When she chooses to be fairly nice the house is calm but when she is on one she is verbally abusive to everyone me DH, DD 9 and DS 7 and the tension in the house is unbearable.

Every couple of weeks she will come in really late 1-3 am, If I refuse her the laptop or reprimand her in this mood she has become physically violent, screaming abuse. DH has had to take DC to Mil in the middle of the night because they are terrified of her screaming and banging about. DS has AS and literally starts shaking now when she raises her voice and I worry about the effect this is having on him.

This weekend I had to phone the police because she still wasn't home by 3 and both her and her partner in crimes mobs were switched off. They were found drinking vodka in a 20 yr olds flat at 4 am. Although she wasn't abusive when the police brought her home she wss verbally agressive to the police. Once they left she became verbally abusive.

She is currently grounded, no latop but if she chooses she will just sneak out of the house when my back is turned.

When she is in a nice frame of mind she is lovely, we have talked and she can't give me a reason for why she behaves like this. I don't know what to do. I have tried grounding (doesn't work she sneaks out or climbs out of window) no pocket money (she has a sat job) mobile. I have made a fuss of her, spending quality time with her.

iI is like she has no impulse control, anger control. Its her way or the highway. She laughs in my face abd says what are you going to do? I feel so helpless she has the control and I don't know how ro regain it. I would never have dared to behave to my mum the way she does. I don't know were it all went so wrong.

I keep telling myself its her behaviour I don't like but more and more I am feeling like I don't like her and its breaking my heart to feel this way. I am worried sick about what the future holds for her.

She is more agressive at a certain point in her cycle.

I am considering buying her a horse(old nag) as she used to love riding and has always wanted a horse. My Sil has horses so can advise and help. DH will not be happy as he will see it as rewarding her but I hope it will break the cycle of hanging over the park drinking (or worse) give her some way of releasing her frustration, angst whatever it is. I will make her contribute her wages to the stabling food costs.

Money is tight, dh has a poorly paid job and I work for an agency to fit around ds appointments, due to dd behaviour I am having to refuse work most of the time.

any advice please, some hope smile

BerniW Sun 05-Jun-11 23:19:14

Really feel for you at the mo. Hang on in there. Hormones, hormones, hormones - that plus a few "non desirable mates" makes for a very unhappy home.

Struggling a bit with my 16 yr old ds, but not to quite that extent. We know he lies and drinks and probably smokes and steals from my purse (we suspect). We are trying to remain very calm and consistent. Lay down the rules and stick to them (tricky if she can escape out the window!), but keep the consistency going. She's like a toddler who doesn't know/care about anyone else at the moment. She needs you, but doesn't know it!

Getting her involved with horse riding could be excellent if you can afford it. Anything to keep her occupied and in a positive frame of mind.

Try to remember it is her behaviour/hormones that are playing up and keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. Good luck and keep battling!

GypsyMoth Sun 05-Jun-11 23:44:50

my dd was exactly the same!! exactly

but she got violent.....arrested three times from her home. i feel it was a phase and a bad friend she had made. it lasted 6 months. heres how i coped!

MN.....posted here,got some good advice
caf report at school...this accedded counselling
school help.....moved her out of lessons she conflicted with teachers,into the learning support centre
social services assesment.....more counselling,but declined as by this time she had been arrested
Youth offending team got involved after third arrest for some one to one work an hour a week at home.....evcellant!! did drug/alcohol awareness etc.
managed move from one school to another....succesful.
Gp put her on the pill,can calm hormones. i'd say it helped a little,hard to be exact with everything else going on
She ditched her bad friend (thank god for that!!!)
and lasr but not least,a new boyfriend on the scene

her relationship with siblings is recovering again. but i have to admit,i'm a bit emotionally scarred by it all. being called a c**t by my daughter,being told i'm a crap mother,useless,failure etc,with a picture of my own lovely mum in my mind,i just cant see her in the same way. it will take time,but the whole relationship seems so damaged now. DD has slipped back in to family life and is her old self again,and i see she's trying to make up for it,she knows its damaged 'us'

i hate myself for dreading spending time with her,but i just feel so hurt. its my problem,nobody eles,but just saying how its left things.

lostsomewere Sun 05-Jun-11 23:55:15

She has a behaviour support worker who she sees weekly the problem is she gets on great with them whilst they are nodding at her, as soon as they disagree or challenge her she doen't like them.

Maryz Mon 06-Jun-11 10:11:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Mon 06-Jun-11 10:16:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostsomewere Mon 06-Jun-11 12:40:00

What would happen if I phoned the police, were would they take her? It scares me the thought of ringing the police I worry about making things even worse if that is possible.

So far I have remained calm as in not losing my temper with her, it is really difficult to keep my emotions in check and not cry when she is calling me a pathetic b** and dh a fat b****** and other choice insults.

lostsomewere Mon 06-Jun-11 12:42:45

She did get referred to CAMHS but the therapist discharged her after one app because she wasn't self harming and she had supportive parents unlike other children her words not mine.

GypsyMoth Mon 06-Jun-11 13:01:25

police will arrest her.....if its for breach of the peace then she can be back home in few hours

my dd was arrested and its turned her around. she spent 3 nights sleeping in a cell.....over a 3 month period,not all at once

she's now focused herself on being a police officer and is police and fitness mad nowgrin

but it also accessed YOT who were excellant

GypsyMoth Mon 06-Jun-11 13:01:42

could be the shock she needs??

Maryz Mon 06-Jun-11 14:53:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostsomewere Mon 06-Jun-11 15:16:25

Thank you for your replies I have a lot to think about. I know you are right deep down it can't continue like this.

Is it best to speak to her about the consequences of her being abusive when she is in a reasonably good mood or to wait until the situation arises. She has only been physically abusive once but verbally abusive many times.

At the moment she shares a room with dd which causes a lot of conflict. I have asked ds to share with his sister but he is refusing at the moment. Gotta sweet talk him.

josla Wed 08-Jun-11 01:14:21

you poor thing - I just have to say that Maryz is giving great advice - just said this on another thread smile - and you are right it can't continue. I have similar problems with my DS - he is calm at the moment, but he knows I will phone the police as I have done in the past - I spoke to him when he was calm and gave him a short list of house rules, I think Maryz actually suggested them in a thread I made smile - they are 1) no violence in the house, ever 2) be calm when you speak to family members 3) attend school and exams. The coming in late etc, I just say to him that his curfew is 10pm. He mutters swear words and I repeat your curfew is 10pm. then I lock the door and go to bed. I don't punish it anymore - I just focus on the 3 rules!
thinking of you

lostsomewere Wed 08-Jun-11 09:42:15

Thank you for all the replies, She has stayed grounded and has been pleasant apart from the odd nark.

We went out for the day I insisted that she came with us, we all had a lovely day.

Last night we all had a good laugh and a chat when her siblings had gone to bed, I asked if there was anything that I could do to help her and told her how much she was loved. I then raised the subject of being abusive and trashing the house that it was unacceptable and I wasn't prepared to let it continue. The consequence being that I would ring the police. She accepted this and we had a cuddle. I am feeling positive but not holding my breath because I know how quick she can flare up and she is at the point in her cycle were she can be reasonable.

I have suggested going on the pill but at the moment she is refusing although i have explained that it may improve her mood and reduce her period pains, we will see.

incontinentia Wed 08-Jun-11 12:18:52

Whatever you do DON'T reward bad behaviour. she'll be laughing all the way home if you buy her a horse.
It is the role of the parent to be the disciplinarian. Being "popular" is not what teens want from their parents. Boundaries must be enforced from day one no point in letting the little darlings suit themselves then complaining they're out of control.
Best of luck.

lostsomewere Wed 08-Jun-11 13:03:33

I totally agree with what you are saying about not rewarding her, for example I wouldn't buy her an expensive bag or give her money to go on a shopping spree. The idea of buying her a horse would be to give her something to use her time productively, caring for the horse and riding it would give her a way of releasing tension. I am not thinking of buying her a show horse it would be a cheap nag £400 max.

She earns £80 per mth from her job and she would be expected to contribute ALL of this towards its upkeep which would give her both the responsability of paying for something and also reduce the money she has available to spend on alcohol and cigarettes. I would also only buy this horse on the proviso that she isn't expelled from school in the next six weeks. There will be conditions attached. she ceratinly won't be getting something for nothing.

It isn't a decison I am taking lightly as you say I don't want her laughing all the way home but if it improves her mood and breaks the cycle of her wasting her time and money walking the streets drinking alcohol then in my opinion it is money well spent. Her siblings have music and dance lessons, so she is only getting the equivalant of that.

I have always had a good relationship with her until the last twelve months but I am certainly not trying to be popular or be her friend.

Thanks for your reply it is appreciated, tbh my rl friends will share this opinion but as of yet I am undecided.

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