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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

pregnancy test found in 16yr DD's room, how should I tackle this?

17 replies

sarva · 31/05/2011 20:21

Just discovered this. I was picking up clothes and saw a wrapper for Clearblue test which I recognised and then when I had a look in top drawer found the used test. DD is out and had specifically said not to go in her room as it was a mess and she would tidy it, but I wanted to put a white wash on. I think I need to speak to her about it but she will inevitably fly off handle, as she hates me going into her room and we have had numerous contraceptive chats and she has told me everything is ok and to stop nagging her. Anybody have any good ideas of how to tackle this one without initiating WW3?

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amberleaf · 31/05/2011 20:23

Was it positive or negative?

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LittleWhiteWolf · 31/05/2011 20:26

Hmm, yes, I think your next move definitely depends on whether it was pos or neg.

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sarva · 31/05/2011 20:36

Just blank - it had been used, but nothing in little window - so hoping negative...

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Marne · 31/05/2011 20:48

Se's 16, i dont think you sould have been snooping in her room TBH, you have talked to her about contraception, would she consider the pill? is she in a serious relationship? I wouldn't say anything about the pg test or she may be upset that your trust has been broken by snooping (she needs to know she can trust her mum and be able to come to you if she needs to).

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sarva · 31/05/2011 22:07

Yes, she will be upset if I mention it, so tempting to leave it. She won't consider the pill unfortunately. She's not in a serious relationship at the moment, but has been and has had quite a few non-serious "things" with guys she has told me about. She says she's "given up" that stuff now. I want to believe her...

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Countryhousewife · 05/06/2011 12:42

My DD is 16 in a few weeks and I have found out she took a pregnancy test this weekend. It was negative but she doesn't know that I know anything about this. She swore 100% that she is not having sex in a recent chat, but she does have a serious boyfriend. I can see your dilema about tackling this, as I am so disappointed in her for at least not waiting till 16 and don't know how I can trust anything she tells me now. I just wish she would talk to me and not shut me out, as the worry about all this is crippling.

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darleneoconnor · 05/06/2011 12:52

why is she against the pill?

could she get an implant?

I dont think you should admit snooping in her room. It wasn't +ve so maybe just have another general sex chat but dont mention your find.

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MrsCog · 05/06/2011 13:05

I think it's important you build trust - assuming the test looked negative I wouldn't mention it, but I think I would be honest about going in to her room., in case she finds out you went in there anyway. You could approach it as 'DD, so sorry - I forgot you said not to go in to your room but I was putting a white wash on and automatically went to check for white washing'. I used to hate it when my Mum used to sneak around and would have much rathered an apology and it would have improved our relationship much more quickly.

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ShimmeryPixie · 05/06/2011 13:15

Don't mention it to her. If it was negative, she's probably had a nasty scare. If not, you'll know soon enough. Just keep an eye on her and try to be available if she seems to want to talk about anything.

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figroll · 05/06/2011 20:49

I have to agree - I wouldn't mention it. You risk losing her trust and if she is anything like my dd2 that would be my desperate worry. It is hard not to see things that are left lying about and I think it is natural to be curious, but if I were you, I wouldn't say anything and wait for her to come to you - which if she is pregnant, she will.

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tootooposh · 05/06/2011 20:56

I disagree a bit with the other posters (so that probably means I am wrong....). I think that teenagers still need their parental support (assuming their parents are decent people) but can find it very difficult to ask for help. How has your DD seemed recently? If upset and irritable, then she could well be absolutely terrified that she is pg and being able to share that with you, with you being constructive and not judgmental, could make a huge difference to her. Unfortunately, it is not unknown for teens to be paralysed with fear and bury their heads in the sand about this kind of issue and timing is key in pg.... You should just explain that you were looking for whites and found her test by accident -which is the truth - and that you love her and want to support her and think that this is such a major thing that it would help her to talk to you. Let her know that you are there to be on her side. If she is not pg, well then it is a good time to talk again about contraception.

Good luck.

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Wormshuffler · 05/06/2011 21:01

Could you just bring up the subject of contraception in a relaxed way as though you don't know about the test? More from an advising the use of condoms thus to prevent both PG and STD's? Hopefully she will open up about what happened to cause her to take a test and it's result......
I know my DD is only 12 but already I am as worried about STD's as I am about pregnancy so can't see myself ever advising a non-barrier method.

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IdontknowwhyIcare · 06/06/2011 07:45

Might it have belonged to a friend? Best be sure before wading in. Do you know her cycle, have any idea when her next period is due? If you strat talking about STD's and so on now, she is a teenager and she will know that you have seen it given that you dont have these conversations everyday. I do somewhat agree with tootooposh about being open and honest however if her period isnt too far off I might wait, if I could.
Good luck to both of you

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nickschick · 06/06/2011 08:06

Before I post let me say im nothing special indeed my teen ds run rings around me .

BUT this last few weeks (and indeed past few years) ive had similar experiences with teen girls that arent my dds,I have many girls come to visit me to chat about various problems and pregnancy is obviously a big one - initially we talk about why they think they might be pregnant (contraception failiure/no use of contraception etc) the situation they are in (are they with bf or not) and how they feel some girls want the idea of a baby,some the drama of the potential pregnancy some are just distressed at the possibility.

Usually they have done a home test or been to 'brook' and thats where I always direct them (im not a pregnancy counselling expert).

Most do turn out to be false alarms and thats a warning and then we look at contraception-whats best for them and their sexual health.
Several dont and recently 2 teens have given birth with 2 more pregnant but with 3 not pregnant.

Funnily enough I do know several of the teens mums and that puts me in an awkward situation although the teens generally tell their mums theyve spoken to me.

Im not gushy and romantic about pregnancy just realistic and I dont shout - shoutings to late .....what I do is advise on reality and thats why the teens say they ask me for support.

I always tell them that their parents will be more understanding than they realise but it was Dh who only on Thursday made a teen cry (she'd just had the + from brook) and she is a close family friends child .....he told her its not your fault you were safe you tried to avoid it (pill and condom) you are a statistic and this isnt the worse thing -its bad right now but it will get easier.

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mogie · 09/06/2011 19:30

i wouldn't bring it up. i promise the scare of having to take it, and the embarrassment of having to be the teenage girl in boots buy pregnancy tests is enough.

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royaljelly · 09/06/2011 23:28

Do not confront your DS but I remember taking a few pregnancy tests when I was younger (and wild) DS may be wanting some sort of emotional fuse with BF by thinking of baby.

I would keep this to yourself for now (unless she starts showing) Take DS to every pregnant mother you can find or esp. new mother. Thay always look like crap and swear they will never do it again. May be enough to put her off.

Although as she is obviously having sex a RL talk and off to the doctors for an implant maybe your best bet.

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sarva · 14/06/2011 11:40

Hello,

Thanks for all answers - all make sense. I didn't mention it, left it until I knew for sure she wasn't. She clearly has been worried though, as she is in a much happier frame of mind now - also her exams are over so may be a combination of both. Anyway she had some trash TV programme on and teen pg issue arose and managed to "casually" ask if she'd thought any more about the pill and she said no, but that her best friend is thinking of getting the implant. So said I thought that was a really sensible idea and why didn't they go together - she said she didn't need it as no BF just now, but I said you never know what might happen in future and one less thing to worry about etc. She did a lot of eye-rolling and said this is such a cringe and I can't have these sort of convos with you etc, but think was mainly for show as she didn't storm out which she would have if she had been annoyed/upset. Anyway left it there, but feel I have at least planted a seed and shown I'd be supportive of it. She has started going to Church regularly and says she has "given up on men"(!!), so think the scare had an effect. We'll see how long this phase lasts.

Thanks for all you support