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My son is actually Kevin The teenager (BIT TMI)

(10 Posts)
ComeWhineWithMe Mon 23-May-11 16:23:10

So he is a nightmare,rude, arrogant and nasty.
He refuses to do any chores without shouting or fighting. We had a deal that if he washed up after dinner we would buy him one game for his console each month. This is on top of money if he goes out, X-Box live subscribtion and cheapo games he asks for from ebay.
Anyway he kept refusing to do the wasing up so I said fine and cacelled his pre-odered game as he had gone back on his end of the deal. Now I am making him a laughing stock everyone thinks he is poor hmm and so on and so on.
He calls his dad names and says nasty stuff about his job and has hit him before.
The other day he called me a fat cow and some other nasty names so he now has no Xbox until his atitude has change.
Now I think his mission is to annoy or upset until I give it him back he wiped a bogey <sorry> on me yesterday and just did the same to his little sister. He raises his voice he winds his SN sister up a lot and she can't cope with it.
I don't know what to do he is just nasty all the time.I know nothing is going on he is doing really well at school and is popular. He is also like a different child around other people.
I have taken his phone off him now for the latest behaviour but it dosen't work. I am stuck for what to do to stop him being so nasty.

ComeWhineWithMe Mon 23-May-11 16:25:47

Sorry for the typo's. Typed on dodgy keyboard while dd climbed on me.

TheCowardlyLion Mon 23-May-11 16:35:00

I do sympathise - I have an angelic 8 yr old at the moment but have been a secondary school teacher for far too long to be under any illusions about how quickly it can all change!

My instinct would be to settle down for the long haul and prepare to be very, very patient and very, very firm. So don't let him goad you into argument or losing your temper, but stick to your guns as well - be polite and loving with him, but do not give in until he toes the line with regard to behaving in an acceptable manner: no x-box, no phone, no whatever.

Easier said than done, I know, to rise above the abuse and the aggression, but if you can remain constantly calm and firm, he might eventually tire of trying to provoke you into a loss of control where he can feel that he has won/is justified in his behaviour.

So if he says: 'Everyone is laughing at me because I haven't got x game', just reply 'Are they? That's a shame.' It doesn't give him anything to engage with or argue with.

The verbal and physical abuse is harder - I am not sure how I would deal with that because obviously, he needs to be very clear that that is NOT something that can be ignored. You could talk to him about the penalties for assault - how it is a criminal offence, I suppose but I don't know what I'd do, tbh.

GnomeDePlume Mon 23-May-11 19:51:35

ComeWhineWithMe - how old is your DS?

ssd Mon 23-May-11 20:48:08

how old is he?

GnomeDePlume Mon 23-May-11 22:01:43

From what you describe your DS sounds very immature for a teenager. We have a DS and xbox does seem to become an obsession. In your position I would move the xbox out of the bedroom. Look at the games your DS is playing? My DS is not allowed any games with a higher rating than 15 or 16. I believe that the older games are too violent for immature teenagers to handle.

Stop buying stuff for your DS and pay him an allowance in return for certain chores. This way he gets paid. If he doesnt do his chores then he doesnt get paid.

When he is calm try discussing some house rules with him. Talk to him about what is/isnt acceptable behaviour for a boy of his age. These are rules you all follow.

i dont know if these will help but I offer them up as being things we are doing with our DS.

ssd Tue 24-May-11 09:37:31

jesus gnome, what teenage boy is mature for his age?

unless you have the only mature one going I think you'd need to knit him as the real one doesn't exist

GnomeDePlume Tue 24-May-11 13:22:27

ssd - not quite sure what your outburst was about but if my DS were to wipe snot on me or his little sister then I would say that he is especially immature - it is incredibly juvenile behaviour for a teenager.

I do think that xbox playing has an effect on younger teenagers. I have noticed that my DS's behaviour/attenstion span improves markedly when his xbox time is reduced.

alexsdad Thu 26-May-11 08:38:43

OK - I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but is it possibly a way of attention seeking?

You say you have a DD, who is (a) climbing on you, so I'm assuming significantly younger than your teenager, and (b) is SN so (again, assumption) needs a significant chunk of your time.

Perhaps your DS is just feeling "unloved" as he gets older, and one assumes they are more self-sufficent and don't need/want as much attention?? This behaviour is then just normal teenage stuff with added bells and whistles.

Just a thought.

BBwannaB Fri 27-May-11 22:35:49

I think Alexsdad may have a point, it might be time to put your parent-child relationship on a new footing.
Have you tried creating more adult scenarios eg taking him out for a coffee, one on one just you and him or Dad and him, golf range, cinema or just a walk if these activities are too expensive.
I think it builds the relationship on both sides and changes the power from controller/controlled to more mutual respect

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