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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DD has a boyfriend - this is all new to me, need your help!

51 replies

Sylvana · 14/05/2011 20:57

She's 16 and this is her first boyfriend. She has no experience of boys and has led a fairly sheltered life up to now. She asked 3 days ago would it be o.k. He is 17 and she said he is really nice. We don't know anything else about him ... I'm trying to get as much information as I can without bugging her too much. DD is our eldest and we haven't been through this before and while I trust her, can we trust a boy we don't know ? She is seeing him tomorrow. I know I'm being silly but I'm a tiny bit anxious. Please tell me what to do cause I haven't got a clue

OP posts:

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thisisyesterday · 14/05/2011 21:06

awwww! bless!
why dont' you invite him round?

alemci · 14/05/2011 21:10

I too find it so difficult. My DD has a nice boyfriend and she has been seeing him for about 6 months. We did already know him but it is so hard so I understand what you are going through. I tend to ask things and she doesn't like me prying and shuts me out.

Invite him round but not yet. I am sure it will be absolutely fine. Let her come to you.

BitOfFun · 14/05/2011 21:11

Just ask that he calls before they go out. If he is reluctant, it doesn't mean he's a bad 'un, but I certainly think it's good manners, and a good sign if he's happy to.

bustersmummy · 14/05/2011 21:11

Awh I remember it with DS. Sweet.

Mind you I also remember the first weekend he and the long term girlfriend went on holiday aged 18.

I'd waved them off quite happily in his car.

Half an hour later the lightbulb moment.

It honestly hadn't occured to me that they might be shagging I am a very innocent mother lol

Sylvana · 14/05/2011 21:11

She wouldn't go for that unfortunately. She is meeting him in town for shopping/coffee. She showed me his photo on facebook, she looks nice, he's really tall but my first reaction to her was 'he's all boy' !!

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Sylvana · 14/05/2011 21:13

My mind can't even go there buster. I'm still picturing her having her first kiss!

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bustersmummy · 14/05/2011 21:13

I know I know I know

It's scary how quickly they grow up

Sylvana · 14/05/2011 21:16

Yes, it really is and DD naturally enough can't appreciate that.

BitofFun, thats a good idea. Never thought of that. Just a quick 'hello' at the front door type of thing.

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Sylvana · 14/05/2011 21:18

What age is your DD alemci ?

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alemci · 14/05/2011 21:23

My dd is 17. I find it hard as although he is nice I don't trust him not to hurt my dd. She is going away with him and his parents in the holiday.

Sylvana · 14/05/2011 21:27

Yes, once they start the dating game there is a chance their heart will get broken. At least his parents will be on the holiday too :)

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BitOfFun · 14/05/2011 21:39

My dd1is almost fifteen, and has had a boyfriend for a while now. She forgets I can see her facebook status, and last night posted "Had a nice night ". I have replied "Not too nice, I hope- <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=alllooknoleap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/im-watching-you-focker.jpg&imgrefurl=alllooknoleap.com/this-is-why-i-dont-date/&usg=__zWWGYsQZFMUIvTGo6_aZAt7flrg=&h=333&w=500&sz=27&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=2keaw6hxDx_m6M:&tbnh=113&tbnw=152&ei=vefOTeH8HsOa-ga27smpDA&prev=/search%3Fq%3Ddeniro%2Bwatching%2Byou%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26sa%3DX%26biw%3D981%26bih%3D661%26tbm%3Disch%26prmd%3Divns&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=277&vpy=-34&dur=4473&hovh=183&hovw=275&tx=204&ty=215&page=1&ndsp=22&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">I'm watching you"... I await deletion

Sylvana · 14/05/2011 21:46

Love that movie Thats who I feel like right now lol!

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Sylvana · 14/05/2011 21:49

I wonder what they get up to at that age though ? Dh was my first boyfriend and we waited a year and a half before we did the deed. I know thats unrealistic these days. But how long do you all reckon they wait ? Do you discuss it with them ?

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TrillianAstra · 14/05/2011 21:55

at BoF as DeNiro.

BitOfFun · 14/05/2011 21:57

Oh, I have definitely discussed it with her, ad infininitum

She tells me that she wants to wait until she is at least 16. But that might be just be what I want to hear. I do know, though, that she has hopes for her future, works hard and does very well at school, and knows where to go if she needs contraceptive advice. And that she can talk to me without worrying I'll go batshit, but be concerned, as she'd expect.

I hope that she waits; I hope that even more, she is sensible. And I try to reassure myself that as long as she is looking after her heart and her health, then at least she is with somebody she loves and has been with for quite a while now. Which is a better starting point than for many teenagers. But I do hope she waits a bit longer.

Sylvana · 14/05/2011 22:03

Yes, that is so true. To be in a relationship with someone they love is the best you could hope for and for them to wait until they are ready. I just hope the boyfriends think likewise :)

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tokenwoman · 15/05/2011 09:37

ok as a mother of a teenage boy with a steady girlfriend its just as hard for us too, watching some little baggage nice girl come and take my sensitive boys heart. Ive bought mine up to respect girls, always take no as a no and stop, to take precauctions as the csa will hammer you for maintenance for the next 18 years should you create a baby. Plus some gilrs are only looking for a easy ride in life and just want to trap you. Ive taught him to be honest, no sneaking around with other girls if he is in a exclusive relationshio with one and to try and remain friends when its over

You cant stop them shagging only give wise advice and keep the door open for communication and pick up the pieces when their heart gets broken and the teenage agnst kicks in, as it will, its all part of growing up thankfully mine seems to have found a really nice girl who doesnt play mind games with him. Plus he seems to still be friends with a couple of his previous girlfriends. Love at this age doesnt last forever I tell mine enjoy it while you can.

Happymum22 · 15/05/2011 10:59

When my eldest had her first boyfriend I had the normal mother panic-w hat if he hurts her? what if she gets pregnant? what if...
but soon found my paniced nagging questions only lead to her shutting me out and getting frustrated at me. when they broke up i has the one she ented her anger at- because i apparently 'didnt approve'
With DD whos now 18 i have been much better- not asking too much and its worked, she came to me to ask about contraception and when they went through a rough patch and fell out, she came to me and sat on my knee and cried her eyes out. And while i hate her being upset, i have learnt to see its for the best, they need to go through the learning curve of relationships and its all expereience. they are unlikely to be together forever in a teenage relationship so its about learning how relatiosnhips work.

Watertight · 15/05/2011 12:11

There's some good thoughts and insight on this thread, freaklikeme.

My DD17 has been with her first ever proper BF18 for about 5 months.

I encouraged her to invite him to our house right from the start and I've always tried to make it quite attractive for them to spend time here. We give them plenty of space, I make a nice family supper, let them have a glass of wine or a beer... They do go out - both as a couple and as part of a crowd of friends - but I'm happy that they also like spending time hanging out at our house (they hang out at his too, but mostly at ours) because I like having them around and under our roof. And, frankly, I like seeing him too - he's lovely. I love all of her friends actually - they're all delightful.

I would say that my DD and I are quite close so I have delicately fished around all along, asking questions about how things are going. I've tried to be very open and positive and light all along about the whole thing and I think it's encouraged her to talk. I've told her it's a learning curve for her but also a learning curve for me and that I'm pleased and excited for her - that a wonderful romance with a gorgeous boy is one of life's great pleasures.

As concerns sex: My opinion is that teenagers do what they are going to do whether you know/approve about it or not. Over the years she has told me about umpteen girls who are having sex (in many cases, this was underage) and their Mums didn't/ don't have a clue. I've always told her that while I'll have my own views about what would be the right (and wrong) situations, I'd rather she stay close to me about the reality of her life so that I can support her and help keep her safe rather than to have to sneak around behind my back. Mostly, I've made it very clear to her that she can trust me not to flip out.

She told me when they started to experiment and I have (I hope) been supportive and non-judgmental. She talked with her BF on many occasions about sex and he assured her that there was no pressure from him, he would wait a year or however long she needed to feel completely ready but that when she was ready, he would always have condoms. They are both intelligent and responsible kids and she has assured me that she would absolutely not have sex without a condom. Despite his reassurance that he would always have condoms, I have, nevertheless, given her a couple to keep up her sleeve as a safety net in case there is ever a time when he's run out and they are tempted to think that it's a safe time of the month or whatever.

It's a tough line to tread... I told her I would prefer her to wait until they had been an item for six months but, at seventeen, it's her body/ relationship/ decision and, a few weeks ago, she lost her virginity. I sort of sensed that it was imminent and could tell as soon as I saw her face.

She knows that I would have preferred her to have waited for a couple more months but she is completely happy with her decision, so there we are. There are worse situations - she's seventeen and in a lovely, steady relationship with a great boy who treats her very well... I think it's very, very normal.

My advice to you, freaklikeme is to love and support your daughter and encourage her to stay close Make him welcome and gently encourage them to spend time in your home. These things rarely last forever so hopefully you can all enjoy it while it lasts.

wingandprayer · 15/05/2011 12:38

What a fantastic mum you are Watertight. Thankfully I have a good few years to go before having this to deal with but I hope I too can approach my daughter with the same open, loving attitude.

alemci · 15/05/2011 12:39

I hate it. Even though I have a strong christian faith I worry so much about them and as Happymum says she gets annoyed and I have to force myself to back off. I have also spent nearly £1000 on paying for her holiday so you can imagine this has heightened my anxiety as the what ifs play in my head

I too try to make her bf welcome but they are both very busy with exams at present and go to different schools. He is younger than her which is a bit of a worry too. I think as they are christians they are not having sex. I would understand if they were but I think she is very influenced by the youth leaders, bible etc.

Do also hate the facebook photos (he is on mine) with him being seen with another girl. you know the posing but I think they are all like this as my dd was the same in some photos. all very touch feely.

I do try and live my own life as I am sure you all do on this thread but it is very difficult not to get caught up in it as I know his parents and we are all in the same church.

I think I exasperate my DH and I don't remember my own mother being particularly interested in my love life.

My ydd had a lovely date for her recent prom but she too won't tell me anything and is very cagey. Nightmare ahhhhh. thank goodness for my DS. so straighforward

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Watertight · 15/05/2011 15:00

You do sound anxious, alemci... What are your "what if"s though?

Is there some terrible scenario that you are imagining that's making you feel like this? Seriously, what's your worst worry?

I do sympathise - it IS hard, all of this stuff...

alemci · 15/05/2011 18:30

i am anxious about tbh and I would not like it if they split up even though it is a normal thing to happen. I guess it is partly because my life is so entwined with theirs at church etc and I have paid out for the holiday and it is a worry.

I worry that he would upset my dd I suppose.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2011 18:34

< watches thread very, very carefully >

my dd is 15

say no more

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