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DD ex being vey hurtful

(12 Posts)
orangesmarties Wed 11-May-11 13:42:47

My 15 yr old DD was dumped a few weeks ago by her BF (she's yr 10, he's yr 11 - doing GCSEs - they'd been together 9 months). The split came totally out of the blue - even his friends were surprised! The thing that concerns me at the moment is how he now act towards her. She was absolutely devasted and still misses him like mad. He won't acknowledge her at school (despite the fact that she texted him last week to suggest they stop ignoring eachother). He told her when they broke up that he didn't want her going out with his friends (she had got very friendly with his group a big group of girls & boys, since she'd been with him) and she wasn't to talk to his brother!!!! She has since found out that he told his parents it was a mutual break up which she was upset about because she got on very well with them, and 2 days before the break up they had a family bbq and she thought everything was fine!!!!

Anyway, last weekend, one of his friends had an impromptu get together (girls and boys) - parents were away!! She was somewhere else with two of her girl friends (they have BFs in ex's group). The girls' BFs texted to see if the two girls wanted to come as the get together was now a party (the girls from their group had turned up)....but they said that my DD wasn't allowed because her ex would be there!!!!! Imagine how she felt????? Not only does she miss him like crazy but it's as if he hates her. I'm sure he doesn't...maybe he feels guilty about hurting her, I really don't know.

So she hurts because he's dumped her, but just as she's beginning to accept he didn't have the same feelings for her anymore, now she's also having to deal with the fact that she feels he hates her. She had gained a social life (sweet 16 parties, get togethers at people's houses at weekends etc) when she was with him, that she really enjoyed. But now it seems that she's got to give that up as well because he doesn't want her around at all!!!! Honestly, you'd think she had dumped HIM!!!!

So whilst she was just beginning to pick up the pieces again, he's thrown it all back in her face.

My question - Should I encourage her to speak with one of the girls in the group to see if she can get exBF to be a little less hard on DD and a bit more welcoming?? DD knows there is no chance of them getting back together, she just doesn't want to feel like he hates her (as she says, they shared every apsect of eachothers lives for 9 months but now he acts as if he doesn't even know her)!!!!! One of the girls is my cousin's DD and she is in the same extended group as exBF. Both girls are very friendly and although they're not really really close, cousin's DD has always been very protective of my DD - older and more streetwise!

If my DD doesn't want to speak to cousin's DD - should I do it myself??

Watertight Wed 11-May-11 14:07:27

God! What an absolutely awful story! Your poor DD and poor you - I'd be ready to throttle him, he's behaving like a complete prick. Your poor, poor daughter. Thank God she isn't the one doing GCSEs this summer.

To answer your specific question, I feel that your cousin's lovely daughter is the most sensible way ahead. Would you perhaps invite your cousin and her daughter round for a cup of tea to talk about this and get them both on board, before the daughter approaches the ex-BF? Then, perhaps, she could speak first, confidentially, to his best mate (or the most sensible/ mature/ kind one of his mates) and explain:

That your DD understands that the relationship is over.
Whilst she was initially surprised and upset, actually she'll live and wants to move on and be normal without weird atmospheres
That is cruel and unfair and completely unnecessary for her to be dis-included from get-togethers
That it's time to man-up, grow a pair and behave like a mature, civilised people and stop being unkind

It might be a good idea, at this time, to encourage her to see other friends outside of this group too and also to have some girly gatherings that don't involve boys. You could support her by letting her host something at your house. It doesn't have to be anything mega - perhaps a Saturday lunch-time picnic in the garden or a pizza and DVD evening or whatever.

I feel so sorry for you and your daughter... It's lovely when everything is going great for a teen in a lovely relationship but I guess it can be completely hideous when it all goes wrong. Even though common sense tells me it's inevitable, I'm dreading my DD17 and her BF18 breaking up to be honest.

Good luck with all of this, orangesmarties - let us know what you decide to do and how things pan out.

orangesmarties Wed 11-May-11 14:20:43

Watertight - Your first paragraph completely sums up my thoughts - that made me laugh!

I will speak with her about cousin's DD - it's the only think I can think bar me going round to see him myself (not a good idea!!!).

I know she will get through it all. She's determined to throw herself into her studies and she does a lot of sport and dance so that will keep her busy. We have already started encouraging her to get back in with her yr 10 friends. It's that feeling that he hates her that she's struggling with the most!!

There is part of me that wonders if he didn't think it through and is actually trying to make himself dislike her (his group of friends are very tight and he did always seem to "fit her in"...she often told him he was having a relationship with his friends rather than her!)....apparently his brother told DD that exBF has been really moody and miserable the last few weeks - and he's drinking excessivley (That's a part of their relationship we are happy she's away from!)

Watertight Wed 11-May-11 14:36:21

No, it's really not a good idea for you to get involved!!

Pull your cousin and her daughter in and make the daughter understand that she is to handle this in a very diplomatic and mature way and that he's not to know that the approach is a plan hatched by you and your daughter and cousin. It's really helpful that you have a trusted family member in this set up who you can rely on to have your DDs best interests at heart.

Going forward though, it's probably best, though, if she absorbs herself back with her own year again. That's one good thing to be said for this situation - that she does have her own Year 10 friends outside of "his" circle.

I wonder what on earth went wrong so suddenly though? Your poor daughter. I really do dread this... DD17 is doing AS levels and her BF18 (5 months together) is doing A Levels and my heart was in my mouth last week when I thought they were a bit "off" with each other - just as we're going into exam season!

It's weird how often this does happen though. My friend's DD and her boyfriend split up just before GCSEs, having been together for three years! Another young couple I know split up the week before AS levels after a year together. Why on earth can't they keep their heads down until after exams?? It's like they can only cope with so much stuff/ so many demands in their life, I guess.

Really, I'm genuinely interested to hear your updates, orangesmarties, do keep us posted.

orangesmarties Wed 11-May-11 14:42:17

I wonder if the GCSEs thing is the underlying issue....I guess we'll never know. Anyway I'll keep you posted. Thanks for taking an interest.

Watertight Sat 14-May-11 14:44:46

What news, orangesmarties?

How's your DD? How are you?

orangesmarties Mon 16-May-11 10:17:01

Watertight - DD is a bit better. She had intended to meet up with cousin's DD but their plans went totally wrong. I spoke to cousin's DD via FB and threw a couple of things into the convo. It was mostly about other stuff but she raised the issue of why ex is being so horrid? I didn't go into any details at all but just said that my DD could do with a good chat with her. They are going to try and meet up for a bit in the week. Things may get easier because GCSEs have started now, so he won't be around at school which will be a relief!!! She went out with a lot of her Yr 10 friends Saturday which we were pleased about. I'll report back towards the end of the week. Thank you for taking an interest. It's strange but it does help being able to speak to someone completely neutral.

Watertight Mon 16-May-11 13:51:41

Good. I'm pleased that he's on study leave now - your DD can go relax in school without worrying that he's round every corner.

I think it's probably very comforting for her to be absorbed back into her Year 10 friends too...

Sounds like things are a bit more positive, doesn't it. Is he staying on at the same school for sixth form?

orangesmarties Tue 31-May-11 12:52:31

Hi Watertight. Things have moved on a bit now. He still won't ackowledge her, but she's moving on herself in any case. However, I have found out after floods of tears at the weekend that her "friends" have been being somewhat unpleasant towards her since the break up, and she has shown me some very very unpleasant and bitchy texts from some of her group. I'll see how this goes, but could well be here later with another post about bitchy teenage girls.....and just as I thought she was turning a corner!!!
Thank you for your support.

ajandjjmum Tue 31-May-11 13:00:57

Doesn't go away whilst they're at school I don't think orangesmarties (they're my favourite too!). Still get ups and downs now - I shall be glad when DD leaves next month!

Watertight Tue 31-May-11 15:52:30

Poor little thing...

God, it's so hard to be a teenager and girls can be just vile.

One positive in all of this though orangesmarties is that at least she's telling you what's going on though, which is a great tribute to your mothering. Some girls would just slink into a lonely and isolated place and bottle everything up inside and become depressed. At least she's letting her feelings out. Good for you and for her for having this closeness.

My daughter went through the most awful time when she was 14. I won't bore you with the details but she had to leave her friendship group, basically and was completely friendless. I decided to temporarily become her best friend - made sure that she was busy most of the weekend by making her hair appointments/ dental appointments, getting tickets for stuff to do together as a family, took her shopping for new clothes, bought Good Food magazine and let her choose a recipe, took her shopping for the ingredients and made a fuss of how wonderful the resultant family meal was etc etc etc. I just wanted to keep her company and keep her busy with nice things all weekend to keep her life full and bouyant while she found her way ahead.

As concerns the way ahead at school. we went through the year list together and talked about who could make nice possible new friends going forward and talked about ways that she could develop things with these girls (there are ALWAYS one or two girls floating around who've recently fallen out with their best friend/ friendship group and are delighted to be picked up, as it were). Over a period of a few weeks, she ended up with a new group of girls who had been floating about and had a settled group again and life felt more manageable and on an even keel for her.

The punch-line of this story is that by about six months later, one by one the old friends came over to my daughter's new group and abandoned the awful one.

DD is now 17 and people have come and gone but, largely speaking, the core of her friendship group today is made up of people from the very original group.

Food for thought, maybe... Remind your DD that we all go on meeting lovely people all the way through our lives.

weetabox Wed 01-Jun-11 14:56:52

I could have written somehting similar, but dd and her ex, but both were in year 10 at the time. Now ended and the whole friendship group turned against her (sounds so similar). They made up lies about her behaviour to break them up. The thing is these are kids, and I think they enjoy the drama / gossip they create. So, dd has followed up invites from new friends, dd has now got a few good mates that are outside this old group.

About the texting etc. I take my dds phone off her every night and leave it downstairs. So any nasty texts, are not arriving just before sleep. That was bad too for her. She has removed her FB account, much happier. Hope it stays that way. Hope your dd feels better soon.

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