My step son is 13 and will turn 14 in September. He spends some weekends with us, and the rest of the time with his mother. We live 2 hours train journey away.
Recently we broached the subject of him travelling down by train himself (currently he is accompanied all the way), with his Mum dropping him off on the platform, one train with no changes, and his Dad meeting him on the platform at the other end. His Mum has said that in her opinion this is totally unsuitable.
There has been disagreement for some time about how much independence he gets. We have always stuck with the fact that it is his Dad's decision at our place, and his Mum's decision at her place. Nonetheless, she has complained several times about us letting him do things she didn't believe to be appropriate, such as:
- From the age of 10-and-a-half we used to let him go round to the local shops (5 mins walk, one road to cross but with zebra crossing). Apparently he was too young to do this.
- On holiday when nearly 11 we let him climb a hill (up public footpaths) behind the rented cottage on his own...20 minutes round trip and he knew the way and took a phone. Also inappropriate, apparently.
- A few months ago he came down here with a friend for a week and we let them go out in the daytimes together on public transport. She didn't complain to us but I know from talking to the parents of his friend that she wasn't happy with this at all either.
As far as I can tell, the only independence he gets at home is walking to the corner shop, or her driving him to the out-of-town shopping centre where he can meet up with friends/go to the cinema, then she drives him home again. He's never taken public transport on his own, for instance, except when with us.
I know we had a lot more independence than this at his age. Have things changed that much and are we completely out of touch? - Our other two children are 3 and 1, and I don't know many other parents of teenagers.
We can continue to give him some independence when with us, but in the end most of his time is spent away from here. I appreciate that someone may just tell me to butt out and let her parent him how she wishes. I guess my concerns are around the fact that I worry that he will suffer socially if he is not allowed out with his friends. And from a more selfish point of view, at the moment it is my Dad or my partner who has to do long round trips to accompany him on the train.....and I'd like to know that there was an end in sight to that for their sakes too. Or am I just being unreasonable? Are most young teens these days not given much independence?