Troubled Teen

[kazzayork]

This may well qualify for the longest ever post!!
My youngest son (13)has a terrible anger problem. He gets into a rage and just cannot stop himself. He is verbally abusive - never violent although has been known to throw things. These rages usually start when he either doesn't want to do something that he has to - like going to school, or if he can't do something that he wants to. He has missed a significant amount of school. He has refused to get up, has locked himself in various rooms and even run out of the house to hide outside. This has gone on for about 2 years. I thought that things had settled down, but recently, after being told that he could not go on school trip because of his refusal to do homework/revision, he flew into the worst rage I have seen. The new problem is that he has now started being verbally abusive to his 15 year old brother, who is a very caring and loving boy, but has reached a point where he now will lash out physically at his brother. This reached a head on Thursday night, when raging brother rang his dad and asked his dad to come and get him. This is where it gets very complicated. Their father and I separated nearly six years ago. We had the worst divorce involving Cafcass, the courts and barristers. Both boys feel very let down by the system. They were both physically forced to see their father. Both ran away from school on days when their dad was coming to collect them. As a result, they have chosen to have very little contact with him now that they are older. The last time my younger son saw his dad was before Christmas. Both boys and I have been to family mediation, and we have all been to see a counsellor to help with the fallout of the divorce. Their dad was invited to take part in sessions, but refused because I was there. I offered to drop out in order to give the boys a chance to mend their relationship with their dad, but he refused. My ex will now not communicate with me on any level. (Even after our youngest had an accident & I rang my ex - he didn't answer. I left a message saying that there had been an accident and we were on our way to hospital - he didnt ring me back, but rang around all the hospitals in the area until he got the right one.) So youngest son rang his dad to come and get him, which his dad did on Thursday night. I told my son that I thought it was unfair, both to his father and to me. He was going, not because he wanted to spend time with his dad, but because he was angry with me. Of course him being with someone who will absolutely not communicate with me is very frightening. There is no arrangement in place, so no knowing when he would return. I have had 3 sleepless nights worrying what to do. How do I help him with his anger? How do I get across ot my older son that, even under servere provocation it is never acceptable to physically hurt someone? And how on earth do I deal with the boys sometimes being with someone who will not communicate with me on any level. It is so bad for both boys, and I so desperately want to help them.

[Tortington]

i think to be fair if your older son ios being wallopped is only fair to wallop back.



also, your 13 yo will soon get bored and sibling jealously might kick in if he thinks older bro is having a good time

[MADABOUTTHEBOY2000]

well to be honest it sounds like your doing everything you can to be a good and supportive mum so dont blame yourself on any level, firstly it sounds like your younger DS is perhaps depressed so somehow you need to chat with him when hes not in a bad mood and ask him does he want help (because you cant force someone hes got to want help) he cant be happy being like this it sounds like teen angst and puberty and trobbled due to past circumstances, at the same time you have another older son going probably albeit in a different manner through the same thing so its bound to cause fireworks.. would it be possible if you sit the older lad down and talk to him as an adult and tell him how scared and worried you are and you understand how hes feeling but can he go for a few days with a different friend or relative? youve been so incredibly reasonable but if you think this staying with his dad is a bad idea you can say no i know why you have not because you want to do the right thing and your scared of losing him, is it possible the younger ds could stay with a relative to give you and ds (15) some time alone to mend some fences and have some special time together ,,, i say this as i know from my own DC's ive one whos ASD and i do without meaning to spend much more time with the younger DC than his brother and sister and they are teens so lately as they all row and physically fight sometimes too ive been trying to set aside separate times to do something with each of them seperately and things have improved

[thornykate]

Kazzayork my heart goes out to you, it is so so difficult trying to keep the peace at home when one child has aggression issues.

Do you have any time out strategies in place for younger one when he is at home so that if he becomes aggressive he needs to remove himself away from others regardless of whether he feels his anger is justified? I found this helped stop situations from getting out of hand & made my DS take some responsibility for his behaviour.

Re the anger itself, personally I think the countless anger management that has been given to my son by various agencies over the past 6 yrs has been pretty useless. Only now is he on the list to be seen by a psychologist who can maybe help him get to the bottom of what is driving this.

In my DS's case I can see he is quite good at managing his anger; it often works to get him his own way usually by intimidating people into not enforcing boundaries or consequences. Hence why I disagree with the common theories that most people are out of control when they display anger/ aggression. Am not trying to hijack your thread just wanted to share my own insights into dealing with the violence at home. Maybe your Ds would benefit from speaking to a professional outside the home about his feelings too?

Does DS have a mobile with him at his dads so you can text him & tell him it's time to come home now? If not you could maybe turn up at school to collect him?

Hope that both kids can put this behind them when he does come home. And please take care of yourself it sounds like you are under a lot of stress right now.

[GypsyMoth]

myy dd has similiar anger problems. she has been violent in the home....we called police every time....even her 16yr old sister called them when she got hit.

dd has had police reprimand and final warning and she seems to have stopped now.....we will see on this tho! so a short,sharp shock may help....she has spent 3 separate nights in police cells now. (and now wants to be a police officer!)

his school problem.....has EWO not been involved in the 2 years he's been refusing school?

his dad....does your son not have a mobile so you can contact him when he's there?

[kazzayork]

Thanks so much to all who have answered. My son is home now thank goodness.
To answer a couple of questions.
Mobiles have gone with both boys to their dads and mysteriously disappeared. It has been the same with school uniform, gym kits etc. Last night when youngest came home his school shoes were missing. Tried contacting my ex, who true to form ignored my texts. It is the most frustrating situation I have ever been in!
Regarding EWO at school - the school have been incredibly supportive. We had the educational social worker come to the house (I requested the help) and she was fantastic. The message seemed to be that as the absences were around 2 weeks, then would go back to normal attendance, nothing drastic needed to happen regards intervention. I think this was the right decision. Both boys have had a really rough time throughout and have struggled to understand why their dad would behave the way he has. I think the last thing they need is someone else to come into their lives and be heavy handed. Why does their dad not see the damage that he is causing by behaving in this way? All the information out there shows that children are not damaged by divorce per se, but by the way the parents behave during and after.
Can I just say that although I have talked about the negatives - my sons are really lovely young men. Whenever we are out and about, I am frequently told how polite and lovely they are. I am immensely proud of them.