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How to punish at 16!

(81 Posts)
noddyholder Sun 27-Feb-11 17:36:51

Just that.I think it is obvious from my recent posts that ds is being a nightmare atm and we can't seem to discipline him at all.He walks in and out as and when with no regard for us and is rude disrespectful and generally a nightmare.He is doing badly at college and has been warned by them and we decided to only allow him 1 night out at weekends and he hasn't stuck to this.He went out last night and came back at 4 today and says we are OTT for saying he is grounded next weekend all weekend.How can you punish someone who is virtually an adult.He does nothing in the house and if asked to do anything is really awful and yesterday told me to fuck off.I am at the end of my tether and feel like walking out!

hogsback Sun 27-Feb-11 17:41:38

Realistically, you can't. Give him the option of either living by your rules or leaving. My DM gave me the same choice at 17 and I took the latter option - I never looked back. We get on fine now.

noddyholder Sun 27-Feb-11 17:43:09

I have said that but he says he wants to live here but us let him do what he wants!To be fair to us we are quite liberal and have very few rules that are not reasonable!But we do not want him swearing at us or going out all weekend when his studies are suffering.

DrRichandNimble Sun 27-Feb-11 17:46:24

I think the only way is to wait until you are all calm.
sit down and have a family discussion. You and yoru DH need to remain calm and not rise to sulking or rude repsonses which are likely to happen.

Ask him to help set some ground rules.

Be prepared to negotiate.

Discuss what he feels should be an appropriate punsihment if he breaks the rules he has assisted in setting up.

He cannot complain it is unfair if he was party to their making.

Ineedalife Sun 27-Feb-11 17:47:28

Oh gosh, I remember feeling like that when Dd1 was an older teen. I found it really hard to keep her in, she used to just say I am going out and leave. Sometimes she went out after we were in bed.

You are not alone and I hope someone comes along with some decent advice, I will be watching as Dd2 is fast approaching 16, Last night I told her to turn the program off that she was watching and get some homework done and she just said "no", I nearly pulled the plug off the laptop.

I don't think you are being OTT about grounding your Ds, while he lives in your house he needs to live by your rules.

Dd1 moved out at 19 and we get on quite well now, your Ds will come out the other side, it's just horrible while they are like this.

Good lucksmile.

CrosswordAddict Sun 27-Feb-11 17:50:14

Could you say quite nicely that you feel he needs more space now he's getting older and he must find somewhere else to live?
That might give him a shock. Then find somewhere he can stay for a week or two (any friends?) and let him stew. Don't feed him or sub him with money until he shows a bit more maturity.
TBH I don't think you can punish .... it's more a question of being kind to yourself. Maybe he needs to have a crash course in the university of life?

noddyholder Sun 27-Feb-11 17:53:52

He is just way too young and immature for leaving home!I have said to him yesterday and today that as he hates our rules so much (and there are virtually none!) maybe he should think about an alternative.He is at college doing A levels and we had thought he was going to go to uni etc but I am not sure he will even get that far with his current attitude.We have always been so close the 3 of us and got on really well.We have a lovely home and he has everything he needs but he won't abide by even the smallest rule?

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 27-Feb-11 18:02:43

In the past, I have used the following:-

Internet turned off
No washing done
No lifts
No allowance

On the understanding that using all of the above is only available if you live by the (minimal) rules of the house. (he is 22 now, so we are past this until DS2 gets the puberty thing)

You have to marry this with a sympathetic ear though.

<<wonders where custy is>>

noddyholder Sun 27-Feb-11 18:07:23

I have stopped the allowance as he was supposed to get EMA but has been late and not done enough work so has rarely had it.He usually gets bailed out with xmas money and grandparents.If I turn the internet off he says his college work won't get done Nightmare!I am fairly sympathetic but becoming less so.We allow his friends over and he has had parties in the house and generally has a great time but just is so nasty at times esp to me.

ivykaty44 Sun 27-Feb-11 18:13:55

They have internet at college - so no reason he can't do his work at college instead of at home.

no money - that will prevent him being able to go out to much as no mate will sub him forever.

Set a time and tell him the chub lock will be up if he isn't in the house - he will need to find other accomodation - which a couple or three times will be ok with mates parents, but if he keeps doing it they will find it a pain and stop it

maltesers Sun 27-Feb-11 18:21:15

I understand your plight Noddyholder. My DD is now 20 and Ds 22yrs old. My DD was just awful and used to swear at me, and not do as I asked and TBh during the last 2-3 yrs living at home, I coulnt parent her. She was a nightmare...disrespectful and rude and treated me like dirt. With no Dad at home it was hard.
Stop the lifts
Stop the money
Stop the internet/phone calls.

Be firm, stick to your Guns and believe in yourself that what you are doing is for his own good.
When they go off to University / leave home its tought enought already without being a spoilt, anti social , self centred brat.
My DD learnt the hard way when she went !
Now she is 20 yrs she is a lot better. We still have our moments but she is nice to me now and realizes how I care and want the best for her.
When your Ds is having a good moment ...remind him how much you care about him and want the best for him.
14-19 yrs can be a selfish time when all they think about is them. He wont be like this forever.
Hang on in there Noddy. . you are not alone <<<<<<Hugs>>>>>

noddyholder Sun 27-Feb-11 18:33:40

I am trying to stay calm.Dp has been working the last 3 nights so extra bad for me on my own.I am going to sit him down with dp tonight and tell him what the rules are and he will have to stick to them.We have just eaten dinner in silence apart from I calmly said if he finds it so impossible to be civil and live by the rules then maybe he is at the age where he needs his own space to live the way he thinks fit He said nothing to that apart from he thinks its OTT

Maryz Sun 27-Feb-11 18:47:46

I'm just lurking here and sniggering quietly to myself.

When you find the answer, let me know hmm, because short of chucking ds out (he wouldn't go voluntarily, and if he did, where would he go), we have no sanctions at all. He even earns (sort of) money, so we have no financial hold either.

noddyholder Sun 27-Feb-11 18:51:56

I could never throw him out it is just not my way but I am at a loss here.

lilolilmanchester Sun 27-Feb-11 18:55:59

also watching have same dilemma... if I should miraculously find the answer before anyone else, will post, in the meantime keeping eye out for the silver bullet ....

Tortington Sun 27-Feb-11 19:48:49

my tuppence worth.

sometimes i get into a spiral of negative engery all round.

they do something, i shout, they shout, we dont talk, frosty silence, banging of doors, staying out just to make me worry, more shouting, more silence and its like a vortex of black engery has entered the home.

and whilst you want them to gro to be a functioning adult - indeed, you want to be proud of them don't you - God i want to say to people i know 'ooh ds did this and i'm so proud or dd did that she's such a good 'un' then it all changes and they hate you and you seriously dislike them and really get to the end of your tether and consider doing things you wouldnt otherwise do.

suddenly you go from no pocket money to no friends to no nights out to YOUR GROUNDED FOREEEEEEEEVEEEEEER!

so, when i do get in that situation, i do this -

i go to them, in their room where they are comfortable and i give them a rally big big love and tell them how much i love them and how unhappy we both are are the situation - now, this isn't a time for bleating on about why or what they have done wrong - its not an admittance of an apology or that you are wrong - its simply a reminder that you love him so very very much.

then i ask them to come downstairs to the table - i like the dining table we have to sit up straight and its kinda semi formal iykwim... then its a bargaining game

this is very interesting - i love it

you say, ok we have to hae some rules, we can't keep on like this, but you are mature enough to take on some responsability and i know that you know as your mum, i worry about stuff.

so lets make some 'guidelines' guidelines are better than rules aren't they!

so you can kinda thnk about over arching headings to set the conversation off

you have a piece of paper and a pen - and write it down til you have this very american liberalesq manifesto that you agree on.

so you could say ' ok let's start with college - what do you think you could do about college - just stuff you know you will stick to - and don't forget to ask me if i can do anything to help you too'

so then he might say, 'ok i'll turn up everyday but mum, you're always on my back about homework and i want to go out with my friends'

'and you say

'I ONLY WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU YOU UNGREATFUL BAG OF POO'

grin say that in your head!

you say
'ok i hear what your saying so i'll write DS will attend college every day...right then, how can we get a comprimise betwee your social life and college work?'

then he comes up with the suggestion

and you kind of gently negotiate - you enter into it knowing that you're going to have to give something, but that in doing so you're getting a lot back.

now this is only a short term fix, he will hcange and circumstances will change and i'#m sure the rules will get broken and you then sit down and draw up another one.

ok...i admit that was a bit more than tuppence!

hth

lilolilmanchester Sun 27-Feb-11 19:59:04

custardo, would strongly recommend that approach to anyone who hasn't tried it. It should work. It hasn't with our DS. DH and I have had yet another argument about DS tonight... I won't give up, DH has given up. Nightmare.

noddyholder Sun 27-Feb-11 20:00:35

I do tell ds often how much we love him and worry etc.But I will give it another go and hope we arent beyond that.Thanks custy.

DrRichandNimble Sun 27-Feb-11 20:03:23

yup, Custy said it better than me but that is precisely what i suggest grin

Tortington Sun 27-Feb-11 20:14:30

sorry ricky, didn't read the thread,

lilo- know where you are regarding your dh, my dh is exactly the same.

i ended up shouting at dh last week for not making ds do something - i can't even remember now - but i remember he didn't see the point and i was apoplectic! more often than not though dh leaves it to me and just waits until i force him into teenage parenting

DrRichandNimble Sun 27-Feb-11 20:16:30

no don't worry, you said it far better.

I also agree about getting trapped in negativity. It is too easy to just spiral deeper and deeper into it.

Sometimes you just have to catch them off guard with a sneaky "i really love you, you miserable bugger" grin

Maryz Sun 27-Feb-11 20:18:02

Custy has it right in theory.

I have conversations like that with dd and with ds2.

With ds1 is goes like this:

Me: "could we just sit down, there are a couple of things that we should maybe talk about".

Him: "ffs, what do you want you are always nagging, you want to rule my life, I haven't done anything wrong......" with rising voice.

M3: "no, it's nothing wrong, I just want to..."

Him: "STOP FUCKING SHOUTING AT ME".

Me: "I'm not shouting, I just..."

Him: "RIGHT THAT'S IT I'M OUT OF HERE. YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF, I DON'T COST YOU ANYTHING/HAVEN'T BEEN ARRESTED FOR A WEEK/AM FED UP OF YOU BEING A CONTROL-FREAK" (delete as appropriate).

Then he disappears for 48 hours shock.

As you can see, it doesn't work well blush.

noddyholder Sun 27-Feb-11 20:18:30

That is what I have been doing but not sure its working!Think he is too far into his own little self to even break teh stalemate atm.I am talked cried everything'ed out.Will give it a few days.

Tortington Sun 27-Feb-11 20:18:45

yeah! i love running towards them at full speed arms outstretched and squeeeeeeezing. especially when they have a face on! its even funnier cos i'm a midget and they tower over me - so i'm literally hugging their waists like a role reversal

Tortington Sun 27-Feb-11 20:20:31

lol maryz sounds familiar!

so sorry noddy - if nothing else, i offer my services to get drunk with you!

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