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How to get through to 17 year old that what he is doing is unacceptable?

(6 Posts)
MentalFloss Wed 12-Jan-11 20:10:20

This might be long so sorry!

My DS1 (17) seems to have really gone off the rails a bit since he started sixth form in September.

We moved house in the summer holidays so he is at sixth form at a different school (but he wanted to leave his old school anyway because he wanted a "fresh start")but we are only a 10/15 minute car ride from where we used to live

He has started drinking much more heavily since October/November time but unlike before he has started to just stay out rather than come home.

He is in danger of being kicked off his football team (which he has been in since he was 7) because the last few matches he has either turned up hungover or not turned up at all. It all came to a head just before Christmas because he threw up whilst playing and according to the manager he stunk of booze. (We don't go with him anymore, he gets a lift with another team member)

He goes out nearly every Friday and Saturday night and drinks himself silly, he has been arrested once because he was at a house party which got broken up and he kicked off at the police (night in cells, sixth form gave all involved a written warning)

His work at sixth form is not good, he has made friends with people in the year above him (Yr 13) who have a lot more free lessons than him and who can drive; he often skips lessons and they go into the nearest town or go back to one of his friends' houses.

The Sixth form have given him one written warning (for the arrest) and a few verbal warnings although apparently because he is still managing to pass most of his lessons "It isn't a major concern".

I understand all teenagers need to rebel - but it is starting to affect my other kids. He plays completely inappropriate music at all hours of the day which my 4 year old can hear - ipod speakers have been confiscated but he just plays it through his laptop

He broke up with his long term girlfriend in November and has had lots of different girls since then - my DD says that he has got a reputation of being a bit of a shit to girls.

That probably didn't make much sense but I feel like I have failed - what can I do? I cannot take away money because we don't give him any as it is, we have tried grounding but he just doesn't listen, we have tried speaking to him like an adult but he just swears at us and storms out....

If you have read this far then thank you!

MentalFloss Wed 12-Jan-11 20:37:12

Bump? I want to try and sort it this week because it is parents evening next week and I want to be able to have a constructive talk with school about it

expatinscotland Wed 12-Jan-11 20:42:02

Sounds like it was a bad move to move house and change his school.

MentalFloss Wed 12-Jan-11 20:44:45

He chose to move school, he was given the option of staying but decided he liked the look of a certain subject at the new school

He has changed his group of friends so rapidly - at our old house he had a group of friends who were lovely but the new group only drink and smoke

We now live in a town rather than properly rural so I guess there may be more opportunities for him to go out etc?

Time to lay down the law. BIG TIME.
I too have a 17 yr old DS who frankly has been a nightmare on and off for a few years.. and we have found we have to hit him where it hurts.

Do you pay for anything for him? Phone etc? If so..stop... if he can afford to get pissed he can afford a pay as you go phone and to pay his own way.

Does he work? Same applied..if he can afford to get drunk so often he can pay towards his keep.

Mine isn't a drinker..worse.. he smokes pot on and off. I made him pay his own phone contract and told him if I smelled it on him again goodbye contract as could obviously afford to waste money (he has a p/t job) . He didn't fancy that. When he was being really vile to us , I suggested that if he was that unhappy and unwilling to be a family member then maybe he needed to live independently and offered to ring the council and start the bal rolling ... he didn't fancy that either, and really pulled his behaviour back a lot.

He's now in yr 13 at college doing a btec.. not going to get him a job but at least has given him 2 years to mature a bit! I spent a long time pointing out that his options would be VERY limited if he didn't pass, as it would show he had done sod all for 2 years....

Plays music when you ask him not to... bye bye laptop...

You haven't failed! Some teens are easier than others! I have 4 teens (ok one is disabled so has diff issues) and my two girls.. aged 18 and 16 are pretty decent, hard working girls.. one is now at Uni at med school, the other well on track for her A levels. DS has been a pain for ages!.. same parenting, different personalities! I do think in the end wayward boys usually mature but it's a painful process...

I'd actually speak to school and see if they will put a bit more pressure on him..it may help!

Hang in there... it will pass (I say hopefully as I'm going grey with my DS!)

GypsyMoth Wed 12-Jan-11 23:44:23

Just want to say I'm going through this too with dd. You aren't alone. I would take everything away and withdraw your services.... Washing, driving round, Internet access, and he can get it back bit by bit

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