teenagers and friendship

[zim]

Hi,
ive got a 14 year old niece who's having friendship 'trouble'. Its your typical teenage immature stuff but the latest is that she was 'jibbed' by a friend for another group. she found out on face book that they all met up without her. she is a LOVELY girl but not into the daft stuff they do (nothing wrong with acting daft but shes more 'sensible') she's not a geek AT ALL . i know this is nothing compared to proper bullying (although i think there has been a bit of that) but she is so depressed at the moment and i just feel so sorry for her. she doesnt know i know its just come from my sister (she has given her sensible advice but dont want to give too much away incase she searched this and found my thread! dont want her to think bad of me for airing this on here). what advice would you give? i had moments of feeling lonely as a teenager but they were very fleeting compared to my niece. is it just something she's got to go through? should she speak to the girl who let her down or rise above it?

[nelehluap]

I have exactly the same with my eldest DD...she's 12.

I have taken her off of facebook many times because I'm sure her 'mates' deliberately put on there that they've met up and love it that my daughter feels very left out. I have always told my daughter to rise above it...ignore any jibes directed at her and I tell her she's bigger and better than them. Its very sad the way some kids behave and especially girls...

My daughter is also very sensible for her age...she's a lovely caring girl who always puts others before herself, always. She is also one to chat on social networking sites (facebook) and on msn about every day subjects...none of this usual immature chit-chat that this age group seem to go on about, she doesn't bitch about others behind their backs and she certainly doesn't rub nastiness in other's faces....which so many kids seem to do these days.

To be honest the content that I see on her facebook page (done by her mates) completely bores me...and even now she has decided to not bother with it. There are girls out there who absolutely love upsetting other girls...they seem to relish in it.

I too have battled with DD being depressed...it is heartbreaking for everyone. Only the other day, whilst my DD has been off school sick with Glandular Fever, she rec'd a message from a friend complaining that another friend had tried taking friends from her....all this from 12yr old girls...my daughter deleted the message and as she did so she said to me 'i do wish people would grow up'...says it all really...its all down to immaturity...take credit in the fact that your neice is a lovely grown up sensible girl and she will do well because of that. xx

[FishKebabs]

I'm sorry to hear about your niece & nelehluap's DD, this seems to be more common than I thought. My DD has been ostracized since 10 years of age, it is heartbreaking & a form of bullying imo. One family in particular used to have huge parties at their large house for their D and would invite virtually the whole school year but not my DD, no idea why, maybe the mother disliked me this type of thing has a knock on effect on your childs confidence. Still having the same problems now 5 years on, one minute girls are friendly the next hostile. My DD has now realised that a lot of people are superficial/fake, she has thankfully risen above the pettiness and now can't be bothered to entertain prats. One piece of advice though is not to get involved as a parent, only makes matters worse unless there is obvious bullying. I just hope some of these girls when they are grown up reliase how horrible they were when they were at school.

[nelehluap]

fishkebabs...completely agree with your point about parents not getting involved. I have, in the past, and it does nothing but cause more problems but its also extremely hard not to jump in with both feet and defend your own children.

My eldest DD has been bullied in the past, to the extent whereby we had to get the Police involved - sexual bullying from a boy. She has also found herself surrounded by a group of girls holding hands and chanting around her, kids stealing from her, kids thumping her in the stomach and even pinching her skin on her arms and twisting the skin whilst they pinch it. All this went on in a school she was in Year 5 at - we moved schools after she'd had enough and I could see it was getting worse with little/no help or support from the school.

I do feel Facebook has a lot to answer for, as do mobile phones. My DD1 does have a facebook account but its more hassle than its worth, tbh, and fortunately she tends to agree with me. It takes ONE word, yes just ONE word typed by someone else to seriously upset a child - and even if my DD1 types something on there and I catch sight of it before she presses the 'submit' button...and I can see what she's put isn't appropriate and she should delete it....and she'll ask me why and I explain why it could be read wrong...and cause an upset and after I've explained she can see where I'm coming from and delete it.

I do think these days it can be a lonely life for a teenager, esp a girl. Unless you are a part of a clicky and sometimes bitchy group I do think you can feel very isolated...which is why I make sure if my DD1 feels this way I do make sure I'm all ears for her...when SHE wants me to be...I don't pry, I don't question her and I do let her come to me, which I think is important at this age....I would hate to be a parent that doesn't listen or claim they don't have time (I had this when I was a kid)....its vital parents make time for their kids and individual needs and that includes off-loading and making sure their child knows they can talk to their parents ....

zim.....you can always get your neice to email my DD1...they could become friends and chat to each other/offload to each other...it might help?

[zim]

oh my gosh im so grateful for your replies,had a tear in my eye reading about both your dds.mine is only a baby&im already dreading it....so many memories flooding back about my own school days&like u say,things have changed so much with face book etc.humph! Really sensible advice though,thanks.my niece doesnt know i know so i wouldnt b able 2put her in touch with your dd nelehul but isnt it heartening 2know that there are likeminded girls out there&that one day....hopefully in the not too distant future....our lovely sensible girls will b able 2meet up with kindred spirits?&in the meantime lets hope the rest of the silly girls GROW UP!

[nelehluap]

thats ok zim...email me her name ([email protected]) if you want and DD1 can always latch up with her on facebook and become friends that way....where abouts does she live, county-wise??

DH and I were only discussing yesterday how bitchy and nasty girls have become these days....when I was a teenager (30+yrs ago) we were never this bad. Not only are they nasty to each other but nasty to their parents too which is why I think a lot of parents give in to them (quiet life etc) and allow them a free rein on facebook/msn and mobiles...

I am always shocked at how much technology kids have these days...the latest in the mobile phones, a laptop each etc...why??? I can be on our laptop (we have just one in this house) late in the evening and can see some of DD1's friends on here....because I regularly check DD1's facebook/emails....only the other day one of DD1's so called friends managed to get into DD1's facebook - because DD1 stupidly left her password on her 'friends' laptop...(DD1's fault but hey) and I could see DD1's name up on my facebook as being online...and this friend managed to put some awful things on there making out it was all DD1's doing...I soon cottoned on and DH rang her parents the following day...she is now banned from her laptop/phone. I'm yet to receive an apology from the girl in question and doubt I will get one but it would've been nice if I had done. Just goes to show how incredibly dangerous the internet can be.

If I'm honest, and I try not to be old-fashioned, I think social networking sites, phones etc...takes away the innocence of a child...they no longer 'play', they no longer talk to each other and without their phones and laptops life just doesn't seem to be worth living. I absolute hate the way kids type bits to each other - they change the way they spell, the swearing that goes on etc...shocking.

I will try my level best not to let either of my DD's to fall into this...only the other day we changed DD1's mobile network (she goes to school 8 miles away and needs to have a mobile phone)...because the coverage was pretty poor so we changed her sim card...she texted her friends to let them know her new number...and loads of them texted back saying 'wow you've got a new phone, what have you got, what do you get on it, how much did it cost??' and once she replied saying 'no, i've got the same phone just changed my sim card'...they all backed away and the following day, at school, they were all talking about the fact that DD1 ONLY got a new sim card, not a new phone, and how rubbish is that? Fortunately DD1 stands her ground and said 'I didn't need a new phone, why waste my money, the one I have is fine'...

There's a lot to be said for peer pressure I think....one upmanship between kids, who has the best in this and that....I know when my kids return to school in the New Year they will all be comparing what they got for Xmas...the latest in this and that...I wonder what they'll say when DD1 pipes up that she's got an acoustic guitar? Something she's always wanted....maybe they'll ask...'do you get internet access on it?'

[nelehluap]

Just to add to the essay that I put on here yest...

Last night I decided to take a look around DD1's facebook....I was shocked TO THE CORE at what I saw...two of her 'friends' (and they're not exactly friends, just girls she knows at school) had photos on there taken in the most extremely provocative way...very low cut tops, extremely short skirts, stacks of make-up and poses whereby the camera is aimed at certain parts of their anatomies....thoroughly disgusting, rude, filthy and extremely out of order for 11yr old girls.....plus the language is shocking too...with the f-word being the most obvious one to see typed plus words such as 'biaatch', 'wtf', 'rofl' and 'lmfao'...I know what all these abbreviations stand for but for 11yr olds? Even one referred to sexual acts!

Why? What has happened to 11yr old girls? They certainly weren't like that when I was 11. And my worry is that a lot of DD1's friends are going this way, but she won't be (I will make damn sure of that) so where does that leave her?

[lindipops]

DS is not allowed on Facebook until he is 14 which is the age they are supposed to be when when they first join. He asked me why as all his class mates etc have been on it since junior school. I have explained why including the safety stuff and he is aware of bullying that has taken place in relation to a friend on the site.
What I want to know is WHY WHY WHY are parents allowing their children to be on Facebook at such a young age and allowing profile photos of their gorgeous child on for everyone to see. WHY WHY WHY put a child in position of possible danger from bullying and pedophiles. Facebook cannot be
totally blamed. Parents must take responsibility. I am sorry - I don't get it!!!