Grounded dd...come and hold my hand...whingy moan

[bb99]

DD (teenager 14, going on 50) is not very good at keeping her phone on, so often it is impossible to get hold of her after school etc.

She does get a lot of freedom eg going on shopping trips to other towns on public transport with her mates, popping into town after school, us bending over backwards to support her social life (she had a rough patch a couple of years ago socially, so we try to make sure she gets to go to things and parties etc) even to the point of changing/adjusting our own arrangements.

She also has chores and has to earn her pocket money and can earn extra money if she chooses to - none of her frinds have chores (so clearly she's hard done by).

Anyway, the rules are home by 6pm if not very soon after, ask before you go to town etc, keep your phone available after school SO IF I RING IT IT GETS PICKED UP, let me know who you're with, roughly what you're doing (I WAS a teenager once so FGS I don't need too many details ) and when you'll be home (if not 6pm) and let me know if you're running late...

But she seems totally unable to do this ATM. School works ticking over (I think) and chores are largely done with nagging, but the whole out and about bit has gone awry IMO.

In the last week she's 1)gone to town without even letting me know - so was over 2 hours late home from the expected time. 2) Didn't have her phone on or available for any of this time. 3) Been late on the other 2 occasions she's gone to town with permission. 4) Not had her phone on or available for any of these times. It's frustrating as there are younger chn in the family and I really don't want to have to do meal times more than twice a night - once for DH when he gets home and an earlier one for the DCs! Plus I am v. pg atm so it would be useful (and good manners) if I could get hold of her at short notice...and I'm not too keen on her wandering about too much in the complete dark (OK we live in a reasonably safe area, I'm just not that comfortable with it)

I know you need to let them go (and make their own mistakes) but I still need to be able to get hold of her and also know when she's due back and roughly what she's doing. What's the point in having a phone if you can't get hold of them?

Of course there is always an excuse...after she disappeared to town and was over 2 hours late after school, there were LOTS of reasons for not KIT. I threatenned to ground her...and yesterday she was over an hour late home again...with no way of contacting her...

So I grounded her this am

Boy is she mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have found a trail of destruction that has been left behind her and she would not speak to me, plus tried to leave by the back door as she couldn't be in the kitchen with me...She'll clear up the destruction when she gets home and I am trying not to be really pissed off cross with her about this secondary behaviour, but I am a bit terrified worried that she seems to be turning into a bit of a spoilt brat. She's lovely when it's all going her own way, but as soon as there are consequences to the things she CHOOSES to do (like vanishing) then it all hits the fan...

Because she's grounded she'll miss her friends birthday party. This will only be the second party she has EVER missed in about 4 years...and apparently it's all my fault...

Tell me it gets better...

[bb99]

Thanks nottirednow. I am a bit paranoid about her 'turning' into a really vile teenager and it worries me that she's getting so unreliable ATM that when she's doing more extreme / dangerous / risky things (like drinking, clubbing, driving etc)how will I ever be able to trust her?

[bobs]

All very good advice. DD1 and I have an aggreement that I'm there to set the boundaries and it's her job to try and push them! Someone once explained to me that it's like fishing...you throw the line out (with DD/DS on the end) and when you think the time is right you reel them back in. (IYSWIM)It's just important to make them know that they are not the boss - you are, and so, so important to stick with anything you decide.

Btw this post is from someone who has just driven DD1 and 2 friends to a 6th form Xmas Party half-cut and singing loudly in the car (them not me). Expecting them home via another Mum's car in 1/2 hr!!!

[bb99]

Thanks for the advice - I did warn her I would ground her if she didn't sort out the phone thing and went through the consequences. She came home and apologised [confudsed] about over reacting...and now is relatively harmonious...watch this space.

Like the idea about instant punishments scale thing. Will have a think about it, and the one about texting and then phoning...

Onwards and upwards, with the short words and repetition .