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taking away the xmas present?

(20 Posts)
Tortington Wed 08-Dec-10 13:17:43

dh and i just had 'words' ended in me putting phone down.

background - i hae been made redundant so constantly thinking about future finances, although for the moment we are ok.

the kids were each left over £1000 when my mother died over 4 years ago.

dd and ds (twins 17) are both in different colleges.

dd goes to college and holds down a part time job to pay for her sundries.

the issue: the kids have been staying out regularly at friends - in itslef not a problem - but its during the week and they aren't telling us that they are stopping out.

if they decide to come home they come home at stupid o'clock.

we had a phone call from ds's college to ask whyhe wasn't in - on monday. he stopped out monday night and came home at about 1am this morning - i got out of bed to let him in.

dd stopped out - i don't know where she didn't tell me. she came home this morning to get ready for college - dd is in a steady relationship and tbh i wasn't worried.

i ended up having an epic EPIC conversation with ds at 1am. he walked in dressed head to toe in new togs -

he then tried telling me that they wern't new

the new shiny DCs wern't new he told me

the jeans brand new shiny uncreased CLEAN jeans - they wern't new he told me.

the CLEAN uncreased NAMED hoody - not new he told me.

after a bloody long time he admitted he got his passbook and went to thebank, he admitted that all the money is gone and that he has been spending it over a period of months.

so i said " SOOOOOO Mr. new jeans, what did you get your dad for xmas? me? your brother? your sister?"

he got his sister a teddybear. i was glad at least he thought of her.

now this is the REAL ISSUE

ds needs ....not shitting you....£400 for a trip as a compulsory part of his college course.

something we talked about before he started it

its a sports diploma and he has had lots of equipment bought him, wetsuits etc.

plus bus fare of £20 pw.

we paid for

when working out the finances before he started the course - i said that he would have to use some of the inheritance money to pay for the£400 trip - becuase we couldn't afford to - AND AT THAT POINT - i was working!

at 7.30 tonight we are having a chat with both of them.

re-setting kerfew, whats expected of them etc.

only this isnt a conversation becuase to say we are pissed off is the fucking understatement of the year.

its come to a head dh and i are overfilled balloons and we are going to explode.

now, dh is so laid back hes fucking horizontal! i'm all for the easy life, and i want the kids to have experiences, lots of friends and enjoy youth for what youth is.

i am probably more lax than most parents - becuse on the whole they are usually pretty good kids - well DD is.

but get DH riled and he gets scary angry. and one sarcy comment, one smirk - and he will explode.

so i'm telling him that on the phone - we need to decide what to talk about what sanctions, what time they are going to come in etc.

and he tells me - thats the thing - we have no sanctions - if we lock the door at 10.30 - they will go to their brothers and NOT go to college the next day.

i say fine - they don't go to college - at some point they have to take responsability for their own lives.

i tell dh he can't get angry with the kids and do something stupid

he says hes going to have two suitcases ready and if they don't like what we have to say they can both fuck off to their brothers.

then he tells me to unwrap the xbox we bought ds for xmas becuase its going back.

the money is paying for the college trip.

i sid - ds can't wake upxmas morning without ANYTHING.

dh says that i am taking any authority he has away and making him impotent

i said fine - do what you want and put phone down.

so lots of issues there - mostly for background

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes - i know we should be calm and have a calm conversation - but its seriously past that point now.

i know we should

i know thats your advice

but we are past reason - we reason every single fucking day

i get up at 7 am to take ds to college ( its very far) in the car sohe doesn't have to skateboard to the bus stop - takes him an hour to skateboard to the bus stop to get to college ( told you its a long way) yet this isn't recognised as a nice thing to help him out - i get shit all help in return and anyway - im rambling but IM PISSED OFF A LOT.

so the issue is - do you thin its fair for ds to wake up with shit all on xmas day

that we take back his present

to pay for the trip £400

kbecuase he spent his inheritance money ( which i was hoping was going to get him through his CBT and get him a bike so he could be mobile and take his fucking tight selfish arsed self to college) on shit

well?

sorry for really fucking long insane post.

mumblechum Wed 08-Dec-10 13:41:27

Blimey.

Can you take the xbox back, pay for the trip and just spend £50 on his Xmas present?

I absolutely agree that you can't let this go, he knew he was supposed to be keeping the £400 back for the trip.

Can you (without telling ds) contact the college, explain that you're redundant (no need to tell them about all this other stuff), and is there some sort of hardship fund to pay something towards the trip?

I'm so sorry you've been made redundant Custy.

So far as your dh is concerned, I'd be inclined to both bite your lips and let the dust settle a bit before youhave any Big Talks.

countrybump Wed 08-Dec-10 13:44:49

Hmmm, well, not entirely sure which bit to respond to....but I do think you should take the xbox back and use the money for the trip, as he isn't going to be able to pay for that now, and just get him a smaller, inexpensive present for xmas.

In fact - why not show him the xbox, explain (as calmly as poss!) that it has to go back to pay for his trip, as he has wasted his money.

Then, suggest he might want to get a part time job, like his sister has! But also, tell him that if he can abide by your rules, you'll buy him another x-box?

countrybump Wed 08-Dec-10 13:44:49

Hmmm, well, not entirely sure which bit to respond to....but I do think you should take the xbox back and use the money for the trip, as he isn't going to be able to pay for that now, and just get him a smaller, inexpensive present for xmas.

In fact - why not show him the xbox, explain (as calmly as poss!) that it has to go back to pay for his trip, as he has wasted his money.

Then, suggest he might want to get a part time job, like his sister has! But also, tell him that if he can abide by your rules, you'll buy him another x-box?

werewolf Wed 08-Dec-10 13:47:20

Agree with your dh that xbox has to go back.

Good idea mumblechum re hardship fund at college.

bigchris Wed 08-Dec-10 13:48:48

Isn't there a college nearer? That sounds a complete 'mare

Tortington Wed 08-Dec-10 13:57:35

righto, thanks everyone.

snowedinthesticks Wed 08-Dec-10 17:39:57

Sorry to hear about your job.
Do you give him an allowance or pocket money? Could you reduce it for a period to make him contribute to the £400?
I think the x box has to go back, the college trip is more important and you could still spend a little of the money on him. He doesn't actually need to know you've taken it back does he?

Also read all those anguished posts about teens addicted to x boxes and spending too much time on them and think that's one less potential problem wink.

Tortington Wed 08-Dec-10 17:56:06

he had one - it broke - he wanted another one for xmas - its wrapped under the tree and he knows it

no - no pocket money - but yes the x box is going back

and we'll buy him something smaller

i concede!

on the upside dh walkedi n from work and apologised and said "i'm sorry we need to be a team on this"

PonceyMcPonce Wed 08-Dec-10 18:08:01

Just wanted to say how hard that must be. Ds is self-determining adult who needs to be organised and motivated to complete his course, but acts like a child. Not even earning the money for his trip, but spanking it.

Pocket money my ass! You have officially scared me regarding teenagers.

Fwiw, my sister spanked an inheritance at 16, and is now pretty good with money. Has own mortgage and everything

Tortington Wed 08-Dec-10 18:23:28

cheers, an hour to go before the dreaded talk!

maryz Wed 08-Dec-10 18:37:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alarkaspree Wed 08-Dec-10 18:50:42

I think you should make him responsible for coming up with a way to fix the problem. So tell him: You have to go on this trip, we don't have the money, you have spent the money, what are we going to do? Agree with maryz about the x-box approach but that won't pay for the trip by itself.

I'm sure there is some kind of hardship fund at college that they can use to help with the trip costs but he should contact them about it himself.

Good luck!

Tortington Wed 08-Dec-10 18:55:58

thanks, i mioght contact college actually and see about the hardship fund - will talk to dh about asking him for suggestions to pay for it - i think thats a good idea - but i think dh just wants to go medieval on his ass

PonceyMcPonce Wed 08-Dec-10 19:41:13

Whilst I don't dispute you not being in a position to pay for trip, I don't think hardship means having spanked allocated funds on new clothes.

Is there any chance he can get some work to pay towards it if not all?

Plus I think he needs to man up and contact college himself.

maryz Thu 09-Dec-10 11:53:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington Fri 10-Dec-10 07:56:45

money is all gone.

on the upside we had the talk last night - and did it inddividually. and by the time last night came around - i was a lot calmer and so ws dh.

the convrsations both went well - swimmingly in fact.

told ds he has to get a saturday job.

ltld them both to savour college this year and they might be working at tescos with me come May if i haven't got a job - they will have to help pay the mortgage ( they wont)

then ds tells me he is close to the top of the list ( he has been waiting on all year) to get digs at college and even though its just for the last term, it might be worth it for all of us

it would be nice if he could temporarily leave home grin

THE VERY NEXT DAY

he woke me up having made a brew - actually he made me two cups of coffee ( i have two immediatly i wake!) so he made me two brews before he woke me up to take him to collge

needless to say - that didn't happen this am

but it costs a fortune, so we will have to see

Tortington Fri 10-Dec-10 07:57:59

the college - not the coffee

maryz Fri 10-Dec-10 09:24:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington Fri 10-Dec-10 09:45:20

yeah my 21 year old moved out over a year ago - fking BRILLIANT.

it really all depends on whether i can get a job.

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