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So I am a failed parent and called 999 on my dd13

(119 Posts)
babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 00:30:39

After about 18 months of barely holding on to control of dd13 I have finally lost it completely and admitted defeat.

There are hundreds of examples that I could give to put you in the picture shoplifting, running out when grouded, swearing at all levels, no effort at school dispite being v bright. Give an cm she'll take 10 miles.

So friday she came home from school previously she'd had her phone confiscated at school for using it in lessons. Friday I wanted to know where her brothers phone was (he's 11 has a very basic phone for when he's up the park playing footie) and he couldn't find it.

I asked where it was she denied all knowledge so I sat at bottom of stairs and waited for her to replace it in his bedroom. Predictably she went to put it back so I said what are you doing? she denied everything dispite having said phone in her hand. I went up to her and told her to give me the phone she refused and said she'd remove her new sim card and delete all messages.

I took it off her anyway.She went mental and followed me down stairs grabbed my hair hit me punched me in the head ffing and nblinding my 4 yr old ran out and tried to protect me sad she very nearly picked himup and flung him! At this point I pushed her in the kitchen and held the door shut then dialed 999 to report my 13 yr old daughter was assualting me.

4 policemen and 2 cop cars arrived. And with my agreement took daughter to the station with my husband.

I was scared for both me and more importantly my little boy.

When they were gone I looked at the text messages that had provocked such aa reaction and basically her boyfriend who is a 16 yr old colledge student and her where planning to have sex this weekend.

I text my dh this and he told the police. I also text the boy and said

I suggest you back right off you are planning to have sex with a 13 yr old child. it is against the law and rape and I will have u charged. If you actually love her then let her be a child and keep you're penis well away from my little girl

I had to do a night shift and slept till 4 the next day dh said he'd let her go and talk to this boyfriend for half and hour whilst dh was up town. But after 1 hr hadn't appeared so dh dialled 999 again thinking the sex/rape was in progress. She turned up 1.5 hr late

had another night shift last night and just feel dazed confused. almost certain social services will be intouch regarding my other two children. I can't beleive my 13 yr ols thinks she can beat shit out of me knowing I can't hit back

I'm an A &e nurse I meet violent people every day but I have sercurity there and I'm more scared my own child than what any of them can do to me!!!! I'm also mad at dh who let her go for even 30 mins after fridays incident

BrandyButterPie Mon 06-Dec-10 00:32:45

You poor thing. No advice as I only have tiny children, but please don't think it is your fault - you sound like a good mum trying to do the best for her daughter.

dearprudence Mon 06-Dec-10 00:35:35

Wow, that's a lot to deal with. But as an A&E nurse you must know you can't keep using 999 like this. During the assault I can kind of understand, but not while she was out with the boyfriend.

I do sympathise with you though. When did things get this bad?

bruxeur Mon 06-Dec-10 00:36:40

Agree totally wrt 999.

Also - "texted".

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 00:44:53

I don't give shit about my spelling!

I didn't dial 999 the second time I was asleep! That was the husband

I'd locked her in the kitchen with knives! Would you rather I knocked her in to next week

Things have been escalating for a long time but someone please tell me without violence how do you stop a child who refuses to stay in stay

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 00:47:44

Also the police have been nothing but supportive I've seen time wasters myself I just need help!

Slur Mon 06-Dec-10 00:49:26

Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time, it sounds dreadful.

I assume you are in contact with the school? Have they offered any ideas or support?

(agree it is bonkers and unhelpful to correct 'texted' hmm)

bobs Mon 06-Dec-10 00:51:46

Just writing to show support. Although my teenagers are pretty good, you always have to be one step ahead of them - I got the hang of it by the time dd1 was about 15! We did however have my stepson living with us for a while which I won't go into detail about - let's just say it was horrendous, esp with little ones around, so I empathize there. The only suggestions I can make are...
It's really really important for you and DH to stick together on this - never argue in front of her.
Get as much help as you can from the pros
Don't keep on calling 999 - they will have details on yr DD now, but keep you own log of any events
Unfortunately it is the bright ones that this happens to - don't know why, not stretched enough at school or something. How about a job - something to show her she can earn money the legal way and give her some belief in herself?
Lastly, you're certainly not a bad Mum. I know some brilliant one with problem kids. Just try to get as much help and support as you can. Good luck smile

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 00:56:37

School are aware of lack of effort/ respect they have the phone and another childs phone who has been confiscated because she has used them in class. but haven't offered help. My DD just doesn't care about consequenses I've only just managed this yr as I'd brought her concert tickets in feb concert in November and resorted to saying if you don't stay in when you are grounded I will rip the tickets up.

the concert has been and gone I'm fucked now!
I'm at the end of my tether I just want to leave take my little one and go

please don't rip me apart

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 00:58:32

She has a paper round but I found out last week she's nicked some magazines and papers from her bag!

Slur Mon 06-Dec-10 01:01:47

It's a shame the school haven't been forthcoming, perhaps you could arrange a meeting to ask directly for help and support. They'd be my first port of call I think, that and getting other friends/family rallying round.

Clearly you have a lovely little girl in there somewhere (!) and you're having a horrible time of it right now. Hang on in there smile

Zalachenko Mon 06-Dec-10 01:01:54

I think your daughter also needs an awful lot of support at the moment, and it doesn't all need to come from you. There must be someone at her school who can offer her some counselling, and lots of other outside agencies who could offer the same. She must be feeling very confused indeed. I don't think the police will offer her the help she needs; although they might be able to recommend local services for children if you're not aware of them.

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 01:08:21

She was on the list for counselling but apparently funding has gone.

I know I've opened up a bag of worms Social services/ youth offending team but I am at a loss

I'll contact all schools tomorrow to fill them in. Also need a contact for boyfriends parents not sure how to get it?

bobs Mon 06-Dec-10 01:09:14

Ha - my stepson got a round, then was so trusted he was allowed to work in the newsagent on his own, started nicking fags (by the carton) so cameras were installed, he was found out and so on...
Does she realise that good paperboys/girls get good tips at Christmas?
Do you give her pocket money/phone credit? My kids have to have tidy rooms before they get theirs (watch out for "but I have to go into town now and my friends are waiting for me - I promise to do it tonight")
No-one's trying to rip you apart - MN is only here for us to all try to help each other.
The bit you wrote.."I just want to leave take my little one and go" What about DH? Is he DD's dad? If not is there a bit of jealousy there, and of DS? Sorry - probably being nosy -it's really difficult to work these things out, and you'll probably find that in a more lucid moment DD herself doesn't know why she does these things. How about someone else for her to talk to that she trusts?

Zalachenko Mon 06-Dec-10 01:12:36

I'd say the family crisis means counselling for her or family therapy is now a priority.

Can you see social services as a potential source of real help for you both?

I really don't think the youth offending team is an appropriate body to be involved.

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 01:14:04

If anyone knows of the outside agencies I'd be gratefull. CAMHS have an 18month waiting list

I can't support her I'm so hurt emotionally she really hurt me physically if that had been anyone else other than my child I'd have pressed charges it was domestic violence but without the option to defend as she is my child

Zalachenko Mon 06-Dec-10 01:17:00

This is Mumsnet's mental health web guide:

www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health

Get yourself some support urgently, then get her some.

Maelstrom Mon 06-Dec-10 01:17:50

I don't remember if it was colditz or custardo who posted, years ago, about how to control a problem teenager (in the league of your DD). As far as I remember it was about removing all the privileges until she showed more respect for the household and the family.

Hope the right one would show around at some point with more advice.

Zalachenko Mon 06-Dec-10 01:20:55

I think you're being very honest in saying that you can't support her, so that does mean a professional is really needed to take that role until things are much better between you.

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 01:22:52

I've told her that she'll loose her round I was giving her pocket money and credit butsince she's been earning if I say do this or you won't get it she couldn't care less. DH is all of my kids dads but he makes excuses for dd all the time I can't believe he let her out of his sight following fridays episode. The boys love me and dd just doesn;t I'm the fucking fat bitch.

I' m just weighing up the options I can't leave alone or I'd be frowned on and it's only the 4 yr old who needs me other than cooking or cleaning

Maelstrom Mon 06-Dec-10 01:29:37

Ah no, this was "hardcore" removing of privileges, no phone, no money at all, and after she decided to damage the walls of her room her room's comforts were reduced to those you would find in a monk's cell. I don't remember well if the removal of privileges also including stopping other "services" like cooking or washing her clothes, but apparently it worked, it was about re establishing the pecking order. For this you really need your DH to help, if he continues to make excuses for her, your DD will continue to think that she's higher in the hierarchy than you are, which obviously would mean that the bad behaviour towards you will continue.

I think you did right to ring 999, you were being assaulted, and I don't think you should be shy of doing it again if she attacks you again. It is domestic violence, even if it comes from a child.

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 01:29:40

I've taken everything bt was then told if I took everything I've got nothing to bargin with. If she has nothing then she's got nothing to come back to.

It's all just a joke to her

who is this professional support? I can't find it

babalon Mon 06-Dec-10 01:32:02

I don't want my 13 yr old girl having sex it's wrong

Safariboots Mon 06-Dec-10 01:42:13

Oh dear, don't really know what to say, such a difficult situation. Wish you all the best.

Maelstrom Mon 06-Dec-10 01:43:55

Try to ring NSPCC tomorrow, explain what has happened, and ask them if they could recommend an organisation, charity of service to help you deal with the agressiveness of your DD.

You can also try Parentline.

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