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how much freedom for a 11 going on 12 dd?

(10 Posts)
JuicyLucy10 Fri 12-Nov-10 08:48:09

I am asking this here as my dd is at secondary school so we are in the realms of teens...

I see there is some variation with how much time the kids are allowed to spend 'wondering the streets' or in their words 'playing out'.

We live in a quiet village with about 2 buses going each way each day.

This is the problem. My dd has been invited to a birthday sleepover.. the following day a large group of kids are taking the bus into the main town to go shopping... by large i mean over 10 and under 30.

Her friend taunts her that i am strict and she isn't allowed to do anything away from home.

I object to this large group going into town.. i see it as trouble plus i worry that dd is a bit young. She is very disorganised, loses her phone and panics,

Am I being too over-protective??

I did wonder about dropping her off for an hour then saying we already have plans but i think the whole bus-trip-alone-thing is really what this is about. What are your thoughts? Also what is a reasonable time for 11 year olds to be out hanging around?

abr1de Fri 12-Nov-10 08:51:49

My daughter, who's the same age, has started taking the bus into town with friends (or did until she recently fell out with them). But not in such a large group: usually there are about six of them. It has been absolutely fine to date. We insist on mobiles being kept on and regular texts to let us know she's OK.

I think this may be a rather large group to do it for the first time, though.

Butterbur Fri 12-Nov-10 09:00:27

What is the worst that could happen? She could lose her friends, and lose her phone, and not know what to do? Can you talk her through what to do if that happens?

It would be horrible for her if she does start to get excluded from such a large group of friends, for not joining in.

DD started going shopping with friends at this age. I used to worry about it, but it's been fine. I make sure she's charged her phone and has credit.

I wouldn't let kids this age go wandering round aimlessly after the shops have shut though, so set off home by 6, say. Get her to text you when she sets off.

RosieGirl Fri 12-Nov-10 09:30:29

You may find that the 10 - 30 is an exaggeration, I sometimes find that when my DD tells me everyone will be going, only a handful actually turn up, usually the kids agree their plans at school without actually checking with parents.

If you don't want her to feel too left out, have a good talk with her explaining that you are trusting her to be good, regularly text, keep emergency money in a pocket (in case bag gets lost), call you if anything starts to happen which she is uncomfortable with. I always tell my DD not to get involved with any anti-social behaviour and to just say something like "sorry guys I'm really cold/tired/bored so am going head home" so she doesn't get teased about joining in.

I'm sure she will be fine, I tell my DD I will trust her, but if if she doesn't do any of the above she won't be going on the next one.

maryz Fri 12-Nov-10 09:51:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuicyLucy10 Fri 12-Nov-10 10:42:52

thanks for your help. I have decided to do a u-turn..shock

Think I am going along with maryz and rosies plans with a get out plan suggested by abr1de.

I have learnt not to be pressurised into giving immediate answers and stepping away to think and chat to you wink.

I have to start somewhere I guess. blush

maryz Fri 12-Nov-10 10:47:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingspare Fri 12-Nov-10 10:58:38

I don't have a problem with going into town with friends at that age, but the big group would bother me a lot.

In year 6 my DD went into town with a friend on the bus, and friend's mum met them there and had a cup of coffee with them before they did a spot of shopping and took themselves home again.

In year 7, DD went into town for shopping or cinema with one, two, or up to five friends quite often. Usually we gave lifts, as the bus is so expensive.

This year, year 8 DD and year 6 DD have been left in town on their own for a couple of hours while I shopped on my own, and they've both been in on one occasion with DD1's friends.

They need to learn to handle independence, but on your terms, I think, with plans and boundaries.

The other thing we've talked about is money - they were both allowed to blow a bit of money on nonsense their first couple of times in town, but I do balk at them wasting loads of money (even their own) in Claire's every time. I've taken to suggesting to DD1 that she buys, say, a top which she needs and I will pay for, and then have a limit on the 'frittering' money. They both bought themselves very nice, good value shirts on their trip together at half term, but know to keep the receipts.

SecondhandRose Tue 16-Nov-10 14:57:57

My DD is just 12 and I would let her get on the bus into town with friends. I think it gives them a bit of freedom and they have to think for themselves. My DD knows if she loses her phone she won't get another. An incentive not to lose it.

IloveJudgeJudy Thu 18-Nov-10 15:05:44

I agree with all the others, it is the big group that I would have a problem with. I think that maryz always gives good advice. I am glad to see that you are going along with it. I hope it goes well and that your DD rewards your trust appropriately!

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