How much/long does your 13/14 year old go out(17 Posts)
I have a 13 yo Daughter - 14 in 3 months. She has been a really good girl up to now and is just starting the first sign of being a "proper teenager" (thought I might be lucky ).
She wants go go out to a bonfire/fair thing tonight with a 15 yo boy, who I know she fancies and he likes her, and a couple of other girlfriends.
She has had a very sheltered childhood, we live in a very isolated village, with no public transport, so has rarely been out without me.
As much as I am really nervous, I feel it is about time to let her "go" a little bit, I actually didn't think it was a major deal, but when I told my DH, he hit the roof!!!. He basically said she should be fully chaperoned, feels its wrong that a 15 yo boy should like her, and is only after one thing!! He was shocked that I found it OK that she liked a 15 yo boy, because if my failing memory serves me right, when me and my friends were that age, we didn't like boys our own age.
After a verrrrrryyyyy long discussion last night, he agreed she could go, as long as I pick her up at 9.30.
Is he being unreasonable? I'm not stupid I know there is some awful things out there, but as I tried to explain to him she has to start learning especially as she isn't streetwise.
I have had a good discussion with her, she has said all the right things (and I believe her) and warned her that if things start to go astray she will find herself back to square one.
I wondered if I am too relaxed, or is he too worried? Opinions please.
I think 9.30 on a weekend night is a bit early tbh. 10.30 would be reasonable imo.
Certainly, ds has been going out to things like that without adults since he was 13ish, and we're in a similar sounding village.
I know exactly your dilemma.
We also live in an isolated village and I realised that my DSs were rather sheltered.I think sometimes country children live on a different planet to town and city kids.
When DS was 13 he started to ask to go out alone. It's a terrifying prospect for you when they start to need a little freedom. For boys the parents fears may be different than girls but I realised that my anxieties were being passed on to him.
I started very cautiously. He was allowed to meet a couple of friends to go to the cinema. I dropped him off and picked him up. He also got the big talk about being out alone and responsibility.
It sounds to me that you have made the right decision and prepared her well. The fact that there is a group of them makes it safer, I would insist that they stick together.
9.30 sounds late enough to me to be out after dark.
We have to teach them to become more streetwise and take care of themselves, how will they manage in the world if we don't?
9.30 is fine...Mumblechum may have kids who are more stretwise or whtever but no way would I let mine out past 10 at theage of 13!
My niece is 14 and gets picked up...some of her friends don't but others do...who cares what her mates think? She's your DD.
Going through similar with our 13 year old dd, she wants to go out with friends on an evening most of who live in next village along. No later than 9pm whatever day it is, it's just gets so dark. I would let her stay out later in the summer as it stays light for longer. We drop off and pick up but we still worry, my hubby would keep her in if it was left up to him.
I have a 17 year old dd and I think she helped pave the way for the younger one, I don't remember letting her out mid week until 9pm!!
You just have to do what feels right for you and your family. The kids will make us feel guilty and claim to be hard done by whatever we do!!
I would have said 10pm, my plan being to turn up 10 minutes earlier so that 10pm really means 10pm . I suggest that you chat with her about "responsibility"; you are trusting her to be responsible unless she proves otherwise. If you give her that respect, she will probably treasure that and not want to let you and herself down. Around a 15yo boy she likes she will probably be trying very hard to impress him that she is mature and sensible, too.
During weekday term time I expect my daughter home by 6pm unless she has a ballet or piano lesson. Fridays and Saturdays depend on who she is with, where they age going and arrangements for travel home. If she is just out with her boyfriend at the weekend I would expect her home by 10pm. She has just turned 15.
Thanks for your replies.
I thought I wasn't too out of the "norm". Its just my DH made me feel I was hanging a lamb out to the wolves and made me doubt myself.
He is a good dad but works very long hours and doesn't spend an awful lot of time with them, so I felt I knew her better than he did. Anyhow is now pouring with rain here, so maybe her evening might be cut short - who says prayers aren't answered
My dd is 14. We live in a city so she generally has never been allowed out at night unless in organised/supervised activity.
She has lately been going roller skaiting in the local youth centre, and they go to Nandos afterwards, so she is allowed out til 10.30 on a Friday (she gets the bus home). She is 15 next month, thoyugh.
That said she has been given a lot of freedom in the daytime for years, was allowed on the bus to the next town from the age of 10, has been allowed to get the train to Bath/Birmingham on her own for a year.
Staggered steps though - give them a little bit of freedom at a time.
In my experience dd loves being trusted and having responsibility, plus she knows if she is late home I will confiscate her laptop/phone (the best punishments EVER for teens)
I have always been a lot more up for giving DD responisibility than DP has.
He was shocked when I let her go to Bath in the sumemr, changing trains at Swindon.
God knows what he thinks Swindon train station is like - the bronx?
This is an interesting thread, as I have a DD who is 14 and she has to be in at 6.30 now that it is dark, even at weekends, reading these threads I'm beginning to think that we are in the dark ages and mean, perhaps we are scared of what could happen !! so should we let her stay out until 8.30 ish.?? scary!!
I've a 14 year old DD who's been going 'to town' for about 18 months unsupervised... we started that she had to be with friends (mixed bunch is ok, as long as they stuck together).. now she'll get the train in ok on her own and stay in town (at unders club) until 9/9:30 when they usually all go for food ... if still in the group they get train back out of town but if she's on her own by this time (depends on which friends and where they live), then I'll pick her up..
I find the more we let her 'go' the better she's becoming at arranging collection/travel/meeting as required as it's her responsibility to let us know what's happening!
(so far so good anyway!!)
Just to let you know my DD still went out in the pouring rain, got absolutely drenched (refused to wear sensible clothes and wellies).
I picked her up and offered the 15 yo boy a lift home, which gave me lots of opportunity to gauge how things were.
Really funny, because 15yo boy was the sensible one with wellies and waterproof, I'm not sure whether it was purely for my benefit, but came across as a really lovely guy (and I really think he was). Feel a bit more confident that my DD will be OK, as any teenager can be .
Blimey. As the parent of perfectly polite and well behaved 15 year old boy I find it rather sad your DH thinks they are 'only after one thing.'
I know its awful, but I think he wasn't thinking at all, straight, lets face it our normally lovely girl who has been really good, he considered that at the first opportunity she would go straight out and get up to no good, he had little faith in his OWN daughter.
Do you get the feeling he may be thinking of his own teenage years . He tells me he was a good boy, but him mum has told me very different , which of course he denies.
I am hoping this young man may be a good influence on her, as as we were all chatting in the car he said he disliked facebook (which she is addicted to), has a brilliant interesting hobby, when she embarrassingly mentioned she wanted to be a primary school teacher (most of her friends laugh at her) said he thought that was a great idea.
My child (nearly 15) went to a party last weekend in a nearby village with about 20-25 other kids from their year (year 10), at someone's house. It was Sat-Sun and a sleepover, mixed-sex, with the parents on hand upstairs. That was a one-off; usually I would pick them up from a weekend party at no later 11pm at that age.
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