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13 yo runaway- back to square 1.

(47 Posts)
marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 11:04:24

I've previously posted about my problems with DSS here and we have just started the process of getting him statemented.

However, he has got into trouble so ran away on Wednesday. He lied about his whereabouts on Tuesday and came home at 10pm, bringing a friend to back his story up. DH was furious and dragged him through the door, dispatching the friend immediately. After a quick blast of hairdryer treatment, DH sent him to bed as he recognised he was too angry to deal with him.

The following day, while DSS's support worker was there I found stop and search papers from a few days earlier. DH was at work so spoke to DSS by phone. Despite the evidence, he denied it had happened and as soon as he could, he packed a bag and left while I'd popped to the shop sad

He went to his mums, she rang SW who collected him as she refused to have him back. Apparently the shock of yet another rejection from her was written all over his face. Eventually he made his way to his cousins as SW could not persuade him to come home and wanted to know he had a roof for the night.

We believe cousin is living in a hostel but is currently not answering phone to SW. Police say they can find him and bring him home if we report him missing but can't guarantee he won't go again.

To cap it all, his mother hates my DH so much that she is encouraging this, despite it being the worst possible thing for her DS. She told the SW that if he doesn't want to come home to us, he doesn't have to. DH pointed out that she didn't want him so where did she expect him to live? Call ended messily, they are not speaking.

Am so stressed, (crying as I'm typing) and trying to hold my family together, DH is at breaking point and DSS probably doesn't care- he doesn't know how to.

Just needed to let it out, DH is too raw to talk to anyone and has asked me to keep it to myself too. (He knows I share everything with my sis so that's ok).

Thanks for reading.

janajos Sun 31-Oct-10 11:22:07

Don't know what to say - you are a great step mum and your DH sounds lovely too. I will say a prayer for you all this morning.

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 11:28:26

Thank you, that means a lot to me.

maryz Sun 31-Oct-10 15:34:37

I'm really sorry this is still going on for you. It is so difficult when they are that age. ds1 started running away at that age, and we still don't know where he is most of the time, but as he is 16 now it isn't quite so hard.

One thing I would suggest - he must think that no-one wants him at the moment. His mother doesn't want him to live there, and when he is with you his mother is probably telling him you don't want him either. This will really be messing with his head (as they say sad).

If it wasn't that this has been going on for years, I would say it was attention seeking behaviour. I know you have SS involvement - is it possible that both you and his mother sit down with a social worker, and lay out a lan of action - a contract that he has to stick to. Give him one last final chance.

Make it clear that if he breaks it this time, then you and his mother will jointly as for him to be taken into care. This might give him enough of a fright. Alternatively if you follow through, that might give him a fright.

Ultimately, you have to look after yourself and other children, and you can't let him ruin 2 other lives sad.

What is the situation if you refuse to take him back and his mother also refuses? Can SS find somewhere for him to go? Our alternative was sleeping rough, and when ds1 was 13 that wasn't really an option, but if SS had offered him a residential place of any type we would have taken it, just to give us all a break, and hopefully so that he would realise that home wasn't really so awful at all.

(I've just read that back and it isn't really much use, but is supportive so I'll post it anyway smile - I feel for you and for the whole family).

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 15:46:58

Thanks Mary, I remember you from my original thread.

Having read up on attachment disorder, refusing to have him back is probably the worst thing we could do to him. However, it's a moot point at the moment because he is uncontactable.

He is allegedly on his last chance. I said I didn't want him back here in July but SS have said they have nowhere to place him.

He has a stable home here, but doesn't want to take on the rules and responsibilities that family life brings. His mother is currently encouraging his defiance and we (I can probably include SW) could all happily strangle her for her sheer stupidity tbh.

Have said to DH that if SW can't make contact/progress by tomorrow then we report him missing and the police can drag him home.

DD asked me why I wanted him back after everything. If he was older it would be different. I'd like to get him to 16/17 without being locked up or killed sad

Once he's an adult we can't control him but for now, I feel the need to try.

maryz Sun 31-Oct-10 15:51:45

God, I sympathise with the "I want to get him to 16/17 without being locked up or killed". I felt like that. ds1's best friend committed suicide when they were just 15, and I really didn't think I would get ds to 16, but we did (with a huge toll on me and the other children).

Now of course he is 16 and I'm trying to get him to 18 without killing or being killed (no exaggeration - you should see the type of people he is hanging out with at the moment).

At 16 he is still such a child.

But we hang on in there, it's the only thing we can do, trying to remain emotionally detatched about the things he does, while still trying to love who he is sad.

Two days ago he came to me and said he wanted to give up drugs and go to rehab. Rehab won't take him until he's been sober for 3 weeks hmm so in the meantime he has returned to his counsellor and we are crossing fingers.

If ds can sort himself out, anyone can. But I don't really dare to hope sad.

CarGirl Sun 31-Oct-10 15:58:27

sad

My 13 year old has demanded to go and live with her Dad, which is okay but not great but it's not a patch on what you're going through.

I could hit his mother on your behalf - even if she lied and said "I really want him here but I just can't cope" it would be something.

Why does she keep encouraging him to be defiant - just sheer point scoring to get back at your dh????????

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 16:44:30

Mary, I am living your life a couple of years behind by the sounds of it sad
Well done for getting as far as you have, it takes a strength you don't think you have.

When I'm feeling charitable, I reckon his mum is as damaged as him. She has spent her life trying to make him happy by allowing him to do whatever he wants. We are reaping what she has sown.

In answer to your question cargirl, 'he doesn't want to so he shouldn't have to' is her attitude. And so she created the monster. Yet she wonders why her son is unmanageable and DH hates her.

CarGirl Sun 31-Oct-10 16:55:48

<<punch>>

I virtual hit for you.

Where exactly does she think he should live? Where does he want to live - I doubt he even knows!

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 17:04:54

Thanks for that cargirl, good shot.

That's precisely why the latest row kicked off, she has no better solutions but likes making the problem worse. He's apparently with a cousin whose mother kicked her out not too long ago, presumably she's in a hostel.

We're desperate to get him home, there's no way she can manage him so he will roaming the streets with her.

He hasn't got a clue, he doesn't think beyond the moment he's in which is the main problem.

Why does your DD want to live with her dad?

CarGirl Sun 31-Oct-10 17:12:24

Because I say "no", IMHO she is running away from her poor relationship with me. She gives all these good logical reasons why it would be good for blah blah blah

I pick her up on her attention seeking behaviour and label it for what it is, her Dad on the other hand has his life revolving around her emotional needs and trying to make them better. I think he's lost the ability to stand back for a moment and be objective.

"I will run away if you make me go home", "I hate it, all they ever do is shout at me" etc etc etc hmm

He's an okay Dad and he does think he's acting in her best interests but things are now very strained between us.

I am financially much better off now though as he has to per her means tested school fees, even though I'm now paying maintenance for her.

If she ends up pregnant at a young age, I'll kill him wink

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 17:17:54

So has she found the greener grass on the other side then?

Sometimes you have to let them go. DS went through a phase of saying he wanted to live with his dad. It has passed since exp has LOs grin

CarGirl Sun 31-Oct-10 17:22:04

I reckon so, it's very sad as I'll hardly ever get to see her - he's about to move 100's of miles away sad Plus she keeps talking about moving schools to do her GCSE's - apparantly that would be in her best interests too shock

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 17:28:57

You are very brave. You have put her first in not causing conflict by trying to hang onto her for selfish reasons.

Only time will tell if she is better off there. If, by chance, she is, then you can be proud of making the right decision. If not, then you are still her mum and no doubt would support her through any difficulties.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and no amount of preparation can help you to understand that smile

CarGirl Sun 31-Oct-10 17:37:42

I just keeping I've got 3 other dds that I've got to get through adolescence as well yet <<thud>>

Part of me suspects she wanted the big drama of a huge fight and court battle/cafcass so at least that was nipped in the bud!

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 17:52:19

Good. I think sometimes they get carried away with all that. As you say, it's attention seeking but it deflects from the real issues. I hope her dad realises what he's in for now smile

My DH is the first to admit that being a full time dad is a totally different and much harder experience to the weekend father he was in the past. He has a lot more respect for single parents of either gender now, we're struggling and there's two of us.

CarGirl Sun 31-Oct-10 17:55:15

I hope that he turns up and you find a way through this. I feel really sorry for your dss he must feel so insecure because he's never had boundaries and I feel so sorry for you and your dh because it must be sheer hell sad

maryz Sun 31-Oct-10 18:03:26

So I assume he hasn't come back then? It's getting pretty cold and dark in the evenings so you would expect him to want at least a roof.

ds used to specialise in going missing on really cold wet nights, so I would be up all night imagining the worst.

I just wish we could get into their brains and reconfigure the bit that doesn't see the consequences of their behaviour. In my opinion they are so desparate to be loved and feel so un-loveable that they spend their whole lives pushing people away, hence making it a self-fulfilling prophecy, iykwim.

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 18:10:53

Definitely Mary, that's the frustrating bit. And those are classic symptoms of RAD which is why he needs to come home to some stability.

Sure I said earlier, has been gone since Wednesday and SW has not been able to contact since Friday. He doesn't have his mobile so am guessing cousin is now screening calls to avoid her hmm

Am worried that if we contact his mother for address of cousin (for police to collect him) that she will tip him off so he's not there to be found. That's how foolish her actions have become angry

maryz Sun 31-Oct-10 18:18:42

RAD is an interesting one to look at to be honest. The trouble with RAD is that the children will probably always push you away, and the more you try to love them, the harder they will push.

I have read a lot about RAD as ds is adopted - but then he also has Asperger's Syndrome, and is now almost permanently under the influence of some kind of drug, so it is hard to work out what came first. I think problems first and then his inability to cope with his problems led to him trying to block out the pain with drugs. Other people (outsiders) think that he is doing what he is doing because he is a drug addict.

I find it so hard to believe that his mother is not worried about where he is - I suspect she knows, but isn't telling you. Is he meant to be in school in morning? Because if he is I would call the school at 9 am and if he isn't there, then call the police. If you have any mobile numbers for anyone (mother, cousin, friend etc., I would send them a simple text saying, if he isn't in school at 9 am you will call the police. That way you are giving him time to decide what to do.

I often found a quiet deadline worked much better than a rant.

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 18:35:32

She does know where he is, it's her niece and she encouraged it!
Am wondering if she is in her right mind tbh.

There's no way he will be at school tomorrow. He didn't take his uniform strangely enough smile

DH will not communicate with any of exps family now so message will go via SW.

Sadly DH is lashing out so engineered a row earlier and hasn't spoken a word to me for hours sad

maryz Sun 31-Oct-10 18:45:28

You must feel very alone sad. dh have had more rows about ds1 in the last three years than we have had about everything else in 23 years!

You might (when your dh is speaking to you again) point out to him that your dss is quite probably picking fights with him, so that your dh will lose his temper, and then your dss has an excuse for running away. I have found that since I have simply refused to engage in any argument at all with ds, he has been much better about coming in on time etc.

I would have thought if his cousin is in a hostel she couldn't have random boys to stay confused. How does the hostel know he is a cousin not a boyfriend, for example?

When I saw your first posts I thought you were maybe being a bit hard on his mother - after all she had coped with an increasingly difficult child for 13 years. But from your recent posts she does sound like a loon, so sorry blush.

I think that social services have to step up here, assign an official place of residence for him, and help you make sure he lives there. Otherwise they need to find another place for him. Lurching from crisis to crisis won't help either him or your other two children.

Dracschick Sun 31-Oct-10 18:50:40

What is RAD??

[sorry] for all you going through this - suspect ds2 is just about to start it.

maryz Sun 31-Oct-10 19:09:25

RAD is Reactive Attachment Disorder Dracschick. You can read about it here if we haven't scared you off smile.

marriednotdead Sun 31-Oct-10 19:41:08

Thanks for your honesty Mary, I understand why you might have thought that.
I sometimes think my bias makes me hard on her but then she will do something totally not in her DSs interests and I then think she's nuts/a bitch. It's hard to be sure which at times but neither is helpful hmm

DH has thawed a little (a good Sunday dinner always helps) so perhaps we can draw up an action plan later.
Dracschick, this is so not a club you want to join wink

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