DS (12, nearly a teen) has always been prone to tantrums, they have become less frequent over the years but today he regressed and had a public tantrum at an athletics competition as he wanted to leave early to go to a party but DH was helping officiate so couldn't leave. DS had known for two days that he would not be able to leave (incidentally two of his friends were also going to be late as they were at the comp too).
Unfortunately embarrasment and stress due to trying to do two things at once led DH to make two cardinal errors'; he threatened to let DS go to the party, but then took him as he wanted to get away from him and he also effectively gave in to the tantrum by leaving earlier than he intended.
We are discussing what to do next, collect DS early from the party or confiscate his X-box (and Halo Reach!) for the two weeks until half term, he would have to be good until then to get it back.
He will go mad, and I try not to punish after the event usually but he was so awful I don't feel it can be ignored.
Or do we just guilt trip him by telling him how ashamed and hurt we were by his behaviour.
WWYD?
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teenage tantrum, how to handle?
wigglybeezer · 18/09/2010 18:50
I posted this last week,i have name-changed for Halloween
) so completly know where you are coming from!
Mine is currently on XBox and computer ban, and can only have his phone for school. His twin is grinning evilly every time the subject comes up, so I know he will soon be stirring, and we have had an example of him in a tantrum as well over the weekend 
.
Perhaps we should find a bomb proof bunker together??
wiggly, I think this is a really difficult one. 
This kind of tantrum-ing behaviour is obviously unacceptable, and because they're teens not tots, we expect them to have much more self-control. But actually, IMO teens who tantrum have no more control of it than toddlers do - they literally 'lose it' - they are not doing it deliberately.
Generally, I reckon most of the same 'rules' apply, even when they're a teenager:
Avoid/prevent: be positive; offer choice/control; make sure they have enough sleep and food; watch out for other warning signs; set a good example of good ways to deal with stress...
Damage limitation : stay calm and try and calm them; ignore if possible; distract; don't give in; use 'time outs'...
www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_health/child_development/toddlers_tantrums.shtml#dealing_with_tantrums
The big challenge is that you can't use the same tactics with a 13yo. You can't feed them a banana, or put them in their cot for a nap, or hold them, or distract them so easily. So teen tantrums can make you feel really out of control. :(
The big advantage is that you can give your teen quite a lot of the responsibility for controlling what happens. You can talk to them about what's happening, and say things like "You're starting to behave badly. What are you going to do about it?" or (afterwards) "Why do you think you lost it today?" You can help them identify what tactics they can use to prevent tantrums. We expect them to have self-control - but IME lots of them have no idea about either how to spot when they are losing it or how to re-gain control if they do - and they might need some help to work it out...
(Incidentally, I think the triggers for teen tantrums are more-or-less the same as the triggers for toddler tantrums: so if you can remember what set your DC off when they were 3, I reckon there will be similar trigger points when they're 13! Hunger has always been a big one for my DS1!)
I'm not at all sure about 'punishment'. If I'm right, and teenagers can't help 'losing it', then not only are punishments unfair, but also they are useless - a bit like punishing a sneeze! I think teenagers who rail against punishments after they have 'lost it' are reacting to this 'unfairness'.
On the other hand, I do think it may be reasonable to 'punish' if a teen loses it, and you've handled it calmly, and reminded them they need to get control of themselves, and you know they could but they don't or won't. Often though, I think embarrassment plus peer disapproval will be enough... Since your DS lost it so publicly, wiggly, I'm pretty sure his peers/friends will let him know what they think of it - and that will probably be worse than anything you can do!
Hurielle, I think you should copy 'n' paste that post and start a new thread... It is (I think) a slightly different situation, and it sounds like you and wiggly both need support, and maybe some different advice. :)
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