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Thinking of surrogacy: where to even begin?!

(15 Posts)
AgainPlease Sat 24-Jun-17 06:56:59

I hope someone can help me.

I'm currently pregnant after 4 rounds of IVF (2 fresh, 2 FET), which includes the premature birth and death of my son last year and a current pregnancy.

I lost my son due to cervix issues and in this pregnancy I have been told to be on strict bedrest till 34 weeks. I'm only 13 weeks! It's been a shit pregnancy so far where I've been diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum and had to have an operation to sew up my cervix which my body didn't react very well to and I spent 2 nights in hospital.

As we have frozen embryos left over we are planning on having more children and even though it's still early days for me I feel I need to start thinking, planning, organising financing for a surrogate for say this time next year to have our embryo on board. I know the process can be quite long? Essentially though there's no way I can have this child and get pregnant again and be on strict bedrest with a baby to look after. We have no family support near us.

What do I need to consider? Where do I even begin to look? The legal stuff: what do I need to know? Surrogacy in the U.K., US, India, Asia, Eastern Europe?!

We could probably pay £20k ($US30k)... is this enough??

user1499527901 Sat 08-Jul-17 20:49:48

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Neverknowing Sat 08-Jul-17 21:25:54

Hi op, I think it's illegal in the U.K. To pay someone to carry for you But you can pay fees? I think this is things like petrol etc.
Definitely be careful of surrogacy in poorer countries as the women can be taken advantage of.
Another thing to look into is the laws around surrogacy i.e. If the woman carrying the baby decides to keep the baby what can you do / what would you do ?

Spottytop1 Sat 08-Jul-17 21:30:07

You have 2 options go the independent route ( so join support groups and match yourself) or join an agency who will help match you to a surrogate.

Depending on where you have your ivf, how experienced the surrogate and what her expenses are will determine the cost ( surrogate expenses can range from 10k up to 15/16k or more)

Spottytop1 Sat 08-Jul-17 21:31:19

Surrogacy contracts are not enforceable in the uk so if a surrogate decided to keep the baby it would have to lead to a court battle with no guarantee of success

elizabethbrown Tue 11-Jul-17 18:50:12

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knudsenan Wed 12-Jul-17 11:37:36

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Linet333 Thu 20-Jul-17 14:53:48

There is a lot of factors to consider when it comes to surrogacy. To begin with, I do not think it is legal in the UK. Or to put it in another way, in case your surrogate decides to keep the baby, you cannot enforce a surrogacy contract in court. You will have to go through a court process which can easily go out of your favor. Secondly, it greatly depends on the experience of the surrogate which will also determine the cost. The cost can range from $ 10k up to even $20k depending on the specific surrogate as well as where you decide to find one. It is cheaper in other countries such as Ukraine. If you are considering surrogacy in other countries (specifically poorer ones) you need to be careful in terms of the mental and physical health of the surrogate as well as their full knowledge and cooperation in the process. It is common for girls to be taken advantage of in such places. If you choose to go with an agency, the fees can soar up the roof since most likely, you will have to pay for the living expenses of the surrogate during the pregnancy period. Most of these charge between $25,000-50,000.

ArcheryAnnie Thu 20-Jul-17 15:09:16

Oh, AgainPlease, I am so sorry for your loss last year, and I wish you all the best with your pregnancy this year. Such a long bed rest does sound really hard!

But - would you consider options other than surrogacy? Adoption, perhaps? As other have said, the choices aren't good when it comes to surrogacy: you either choose a surrogate in the UK, one who is doing it for love not money, and who has every right to keep the child if they changer their mind; or choose a surrogate abroad, where there is a very high chance they will be doing it because they have no other option, where the birth mother's health is nobody's priority, and where there is also a high risk you may not be bringing home a baby. Nobody would want their own child to be born as a result of people traffiking and heartbreak, and both are very possible.

I am sorry to be so negative about it, but unless you are one of the very fortunate families who know someone in this country who is genuinely willing to be a surrogate for altruistic reasons, because they love helping other people be parents, then it really is a difficult thing to pursue.

Stephy9 Mon 31-Jul-17 12:14:01

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Suzi763 Wed 13-Sep-17 08:35:46

Sad to hear for your lost. Your situation is critical. Without family support, it is very difficult to look after for a baby. I am c-section case. I managed alone for my baby. It was too much difficult time for me. You should select UK for surrogacy. Instead of doing it privately, consult with some agency. They will guide you step by step. They will also tell you about legal issues. It is illegal in some cities to pay for surrogate. Also asked from agency about it. Agencies fee in UK is not too much. You can afford it. Even you can afford whole program in £20k. It's reasonable in UK.

Minster2012 Sun 17-Sep-17 21:17:03

Hi OP, I know this is ages since you've posted but thought I'd add my thoughts as we've been researching surrogacy in the U.K for well over a year. £20k is feasible but you may need more as a contingency due to potential complications (twins, problems in birth, costs upfront like petrol even before a surrogate becomes pregnant which are outside of the 'pregnancy expenses') but it's not impossible.

There are agencies & independent surrogates. You may think independent surrogates are more risky, not necessarily, they are ppl who want to give the same gift but save couples money because agencies charge ridiculous money to do no more service & you may be waiting longer but you may find it reassures you more, it's up to you.

You need to understand more about the UK system. I advise you to watch a lady called lumdeedums YouTube videos surrogacy the basics part 1 & 2 then she also has various other videos including one on why she is now an independent surrogate as opposed to with an agency. She, along with a few other experienced surrogates then run a closed forum on Facebook called UK (only) surrogacy - The Foyer where IPs (you have to learn the lingo to get in) intended parent, that's you, and surrogates can chat, ask questions, get lots of info, share stories, like MN. And it's how a lot of the independent matches happen as you aren't allowed to legally advise for a surrogate in the UK or to advertise as a surrogate. So it's a meeting place- there are very experienced surrogates there you can ask questions but you do need to answer questions to get in to explain you understand the uk system a bit & aren't going to abuse it.

Lisa is a well respected lady in surrogacy & has been on many to programmes about it trying to change the law.

My friend (who is acting as our surrogate & I got loads of info & continue to do so) on things like insurance, wills, how to structure the payments so it will pass the legal parental order down to using their template surrogacy agreement forms for our surrogacy.

Sorry for the essay 🙄

resbutterfly Mon 02-Oct-17 03:40:48

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Rach3456 Thu 05-Oct-17 22:21:41

I'm a surrogate and also help people find others, it's not illegal and one of the most amazing things I've ever done if anyone wants any tips feel free to message me not sure if I'm allowed to post link to my web on here and don't want to break any rules but would happily answer anyone's questions

aubrey55 Sun 12-Nov-17 21:36:07

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