Ex iv amphetamine user.

[Theodoreb]

I used to inject amphetamine a minimum of 40g a week. Sometimes if I had money spare j would smoke crack in addition but that wasn't often and I never really got hooked on it, but I was severely hooked to the injecting of amphetamine. I lost everything to it. I voluntarily gave up my kids as I had been in a major bipolar depression episode for 2 years since the birth of my youngest daughter and I was unable to cope with my 3 dc who had special needs I felt like I wasn't giving them the life they deserved so I handed them to my mum and left. The night I left I started injecting amphetamine with my drug addict boyfriend. I even was homeless for a long time.

4 and a 1/2 years ago I gave up cold turkey I spent 6 months unable to eat or sleep and too weak to leave my bed and in absolute agony and severely mentally unwell and psychotic. I worked hard with psychiatrist to stabilize my mood and I haven't touched a drug since. I go re awarded custody of my 3 kids after a year clean and I've now got everything.

Last night I was very drunk and felt weak I arranged with a friend to go take coke. Saturday night when my mum can baby sit. But when I woke up I realized what a horrid mistake it would be for a million reasons one i got my kids ain't going to risk losing them again, two I got my life back my home nice things and have amazing holidays. I am generally happy. Lastly I know I am a addict and the coke will simply not be enough it will soon switch to injecting amphetamine again and I will lose everything and I don't think my body is going to take another period of using drugs I was very lucky to survive the first time.

I feel so ashamed that I was that weak I guess it caught me off guard as I haven't had a strong craving for about a year now so I let my guard down and that's why the craving got hold of me.

I am so ashamed I can't believe I seriously thought about touching a drug again not with all I went through really can't. I use to often use to the point id either have multiple seizures or overdose. At age 27 I was admitted to hospital for a weak on severe heart attack watch and my addiction was so severe that I walked out of hospital and shot up how could I even for a second think of going back to that life I was only a addict for 18 months but during that time I was badly beaten and raped by my ex, sectioned multiple times for hitting drug induced psychosis and homeless getting beat up by people purely cus of the track marks on my arm I even prostitute s myself for more drugs.

I feel so disgusted with myself I really do not many people have been where I was and come out of it completely clean can't believe I thought of chucking all my hard work away and everything I have.

[HoneyWheeler]

Thank you for sharing - what you have been through must have been so difficult.

Please don't beat yourself up about anything - addiction is an illness and a sneaky one at that. You will probably need to actively manage it for the rest of your life. You are already doing such a magnificent job.

Have you got some support for your mental health, or someone who you can talk about this with? I think that may help.

You're doing such a great job. There is a fab Instagram account called blue bag life (private but they add everyone) and while there is some drug use content they share stories of recovery and the struggle. I found it really helpful and extremely moving. You may find the same.

Good luck! I think you're amazing!!

[Theodoreb]

I have a psychiatrist appointment in two weeks. Usually have them every four weeks but they were stopped because of corona so this is my first one. I can't talk to anyone in rl as they will get angry as I put everyone through hell if I uploaded a pic I have of myself the day I left my ex and got clean you wouldn't believe it. Can barely see out my one eye.

He used to talk me into prostitution so we'd have money for drugs then beat me when I got home and rape me accusing me of liking them more than him . Yet everytime we had no drugs I would do it just to get high and I hate myself for it will never be able to forgive myself 100%.

I just need to walk away.

[Theodoreb]

Friend who is more like a boyfriemd but we always kept our relationship quiet as he is 8 years younger than me I am 32 and he is 24 we been together 4 years and he is putting pressure on me now I've said I'm not going to do it with him, he wants to know if I loved my ex more cus I did it for him.

He keeps trying to tell me it won't be like the amphetamine because I won't go as high. I'll come down before I go home, that he's already bought it for me, I said id give him the money and he said he wants sex the way he used to hear me and my ex have sex (I'm a different person when I'm on drugs). That he loves me and he will take care of me.

I'm broken hearted cus I really thought he loved me I really did but obviously not if he will put pressure on me to do this. I know what I need to do I need to walk away but it's braking my heart I love him so much and I don't want to lose him but know I have no choice.

[gypsywater]

Your boyfriend/friend is massively abusive. He gives no fucks about you. Bin him off. Dont lose yourself and your children for him.

[Theodoreb]

@gypsywater I know what I have to do I'm 100% going too but I'm just feeling raw and upset like I've wasted 4 years and like he never really loved me if he could do this.

[gypsywater]

It must be really hurtful :(
You've done so well tho, hold onto that.

[A1A1]

You haven’t wasted anything, you’ve gained so much, and as you say, would lose so much if you go down this path again.

You sound so strong. You can do this. You deserve someone who celebrates and encourages your strength, not someone who will take advantage of you and make you weaker again.

[Badmemorieshouse]

@theodoreb how are you doing? You sound so strong, I hope you are ok

[Theodoreb]

@Badmemorieshouse I was doing really good till yesterday when my dog died suddenly, but even tho a part of me wants to use to escape the pain I keep reminding myself that you cannot rum for ever and eventually I'll comedown and have to face the pain ten times worse then.

[Badmemorieshouse]

I’m so sorry about your dog . Is your partner still pressuring you to use with him? Try and stay strong, from your posts you have done so well and had such an amazing recovery. Try and keep that at the front of your mind x

[Glitterkitten24]

Thank you for sharing that, it must have been difficult to write.
You have come so far and should feel proud of the struggle you have overcome, it sounds like hell.

I think you should also flip your thinking on this. Instead of feeling angry at yourself that you agreed to take coke, you should feel strong that you recognised it was a shit idea and backed out.

Get rid of the boyfriend, he’s just waiting to suck you back into the person you don’t want to be anymore.

Good luck!

[Theodoreb]

Thank you the boyfriend is gone, I don't need that in my life, and no way am I giving my kids up for any man ever again.

[Theodoreb]

Also thank you @Badmemorieshouse I really am struggling without him he was by my side through everything and I don't really know how to cope without him, he was my best friend and my baby all rolled into one.

@Glitterkitten24 it's nice to know I'm not judged badly but instead judged as strong. When I first arrived home beaten and broken not having slept in months I never believed I'd get to where I am and I'm not going back there it doesn't stay nice long. Soon it's nothing but agony and pain and crippling need.

[WelshMoth]

Theodoreb you are pretty amazing. Stay strong.

[Mydarlingsleepthief]

How are you getting on @Theodoreb?