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Controlled drinking

(42 Posts)
Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 17:44:38

My partner has always been a good time kinda guy. Very social and is one of the lads. Long story short he was drinking far too much not every day but binging at least 2 times a week and more when he didn’t have his kids this would always include cocaine maybe at least 2 bags.

Anyway he sought help after his life hit rock bottom and he has made big big changes he doesn’t do half of the stuff he use to in term of frequency but when he does have a ‘blip’ he will use cocaine and go out on a bender.

My issue is he can’t seem to see when he’s had enough. We have been to a family party this afternoon, had a meal and there was a free bar. My partner had sank 3 pints before the food came out and he was getting increasingly vocal after this point. He asked me if I wanted to take his kids back to their mums homes whilst he stayed. I said no stop prioritising your drinking over the kids. He’s now said he’s staying out for some beers with his brother in law and their partners - I’m not invited. I’ve come home.

I said to him I’m upset and concerned that he will start taking drugs (he has frequent drug tests at work) and he said he will try his very best to not do it which isn’t good enough for me. I said I’m not happy with him going. He’s had enough to drink already and the next step is going to be drugs I just know it.

Fast forward to now I’m at home, he’s out and I know he won’t be back for a good 5 hours and will come home coked off his head and will be telling all his family how I’m a nag and will not let him go for drinks with his family.

When sober he is never like this.

What should I do? I have a baby on the way due in a few weeks. I just want him to be like he is when he’s not been drinking because he turns into a selfish arsehole and even more so on a hangover when he knows he’s fucked up

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 18:23:30


OneFootintheRave Sun 13-Oct-19 18:30:07

This is way more than a "blip". Did he order you to take HIS children back to their mum's so he could carry on drinking? That's so unreasonable and I bet his ex is all too familiar with this kind of behaviour.

Whatever changes he has made then he needs to make some more. This behaviour is so rude and unreasonable. I'd be making it very clear once he has sobered up, that this cannot happen again. Are you dependent on him financially or for a home?

Nextphonewontbesamsung Sun 13-Oct-19 18:32:37

God, what a loser sad.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-19 18:32:42

End it. These types never change.

You won't listen to me though.

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 18:38:03

Yeah but he ended up coming with as I wanted to speak to him away from a table full of guests about why I don’t want him going out. I feel controlling sometimes but I’m only doing it for the good of my own family.

No the house is mine but I’m going on maternity leave in 4 weeks do he will be the bread winner for this duration but prior to that it was me.

Thinking about going back to work sooner so I can regain control of a situation that will certainly spiral out of control on his terms.

I have asked him to go back and attend the AA and CA meetings but he isn’t interested. He just sees it as once in a. While is better than once every 3 days. If he loses his job we are up the creek without a paddle but he doesn’t seem to give a shit when he’s had a drink and that is what fucks me off the most. But I’m still expected to pick up the pieces and get on with it without complaining.

Downton57 Sun 13-Oct-19 18:44:58

Tell him to get out your house. Otherwise your life is going to be wrecked by his drinking and drug taking and by your constant worry about his behaviour. You'll be much better off on your own.

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 18:58:14

I have just been wondering if all his clothes will fit into a suitcase I have.

Her not even taken his keys so will mean he will need to knock me up on his return.


OneFootintheRave Sun 13-Oct-19 18:59:28

Ok so the house is yours, that's a real positive. Do you own it or is it a rental in your name?

Have your baby (congratulations) then I'd have my next priority to rebuild independence ASAP. I'm sorry OP but this man is still deep in denial and could drag you both down if you are not careful.

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 20:16:42

I know it’s what I need to do. I feel like locking him out and telling him to fuck off to his mothers but I’m not that type of person. I’m a push over I need to grow a spine. He’s still not home - just tried to call him and no answer. I’ve said to myself this will be the only time I ring and I’m sticking to it now. He will be full of half hearted apologies tomorrow but he can fuck off ive had enough.

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 20:18:04

I often wonder what would happen if I had an accident at home or if I went into labour and he is out having a good time. I asked him once he said he would be disgusted with himself if he couldn’t be there for the birth but sometimes I think it wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-19 20:22:02

This will keep happening if you don't bring it to a close.

What are you waiting for, something catastrophic to happen ? I believe it would be better to put this shitshow to death before it gets to that point...don't you ?

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 20:33:19

Well it’s easier said than done especially when I’m so close to having my baby.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-19 20:36:49

You cannot rely on him though. What is the actual point of him ?

You are on your own already. His stupid arse might be sat on your sofa right now but what actual, practical use is he ? He just creates drama and upset. You don't need that, and neither does your baby.

Downton57 Sun 13-Oct-19 21:10:49

I get the feeling you aren't going to listen to advice, so listen to yourself. I'm not underestimating how difficult it is to let go of a relationship, particularly when you are pregnant, but do read over your own posts and hear what you are saying. You've had enough. You can't trust him. There are no buts here. You and the baby are going to be far, far better off without him.

Coffeeandchocolate9 Sun 13-Oct-19 21:18:24

Oh love. I'm sorry it's got to this.

You aren't controlling. He is an alcoholic who can't drink, but thinks he can. And a drug user to boot. He should be in AA understanding that he can never drink.

Mapatrol Sun 13-Oct-19 21:59:41

Hi OP hope you are ok. I have had this experience with my husband too. The waiting at home is hellish. It's so tempting to get drawn in by the drama of it all, and start packing bags and locking doors but in my opinion this only leads to more pain and dramatics. You say he isn't like this when he is sober. I would suggest waiting till he has sobered up and having a frank firm discussion with him about where you stand. In my case I asked him to move out for a few days to get his head together. I then said that he would not be allowed home unless he was actively working a programme of recovery. Up until this point he was under the illusion that he could just have one or two and be fine. Four months later and he is attending SMART recovery and is working towards total abstinence.

Try to get some sleep OP, hoping the best for you

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 22:19:30

I know I can’t relay on him. I need to put something in place if I do go into labour and he isn’t around. I have only ever relayed on myself and I stupidly thought that during this period where I feel most vulnerable that he would be able to step up and be the glue that holds me together just like I have done for him during his vulnerable times. But I’m obviously delusional.

Did your husband ever recover from it? Or is he an ex now. I obviously do want him around for the birth and to be a family but I can’t be like this. I hate this occurrence. He won’t be remorseful as he should be tomorrow he will do anything to remove himself from feeling guilt or bad feeling and it will be ‘you never let me do anything’ yeah coz you can’t knock it on the head when you’re suppose to.

I haven’t called him again but he keeps
Going online on WhatsApp and this is the first time I haven’t hammered the phone and gone mad saying he needs to come home, not that he ever listens. I’ve just gone and pit the spare quilt and pillows on the stairs so he knows he isn’t welcome in my bed tonight.

I feel like I want him to be drug tested tomorrow and it’s a likely probability if he turns in drinking of stale ale and I feel like I want us to lose everything and it to be his fault but I know I’m just being immature having thoughts like that. The writing is on the wall and yeah I probably won’t take the advice I’ll have my baby and it will happen a few more times but i know this won’t be my life forever because I want better for my son. I just need to find the strength

Downton57 Sun 13-Oct-19 22:31:23

You have the strength. It is there, believe me. You cannot force sobriety on your partner but you can keep your child safe and happy and the best way to do that is ask your partner to leave and bring your son up without this sort of crap. Your partner's family aren't supporting you, they are enabling his behaviour and as long as they are reinforcing that it's you, not him, who is the problem he has no reason to change his behaviour.

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 22:39:12

He will never change and I know that deep down. Again having this delusional vision of us being a happy family with the kids and going on family days out - which we do to a degree - but as soon as there’s an opportunity for him to go out and have a laugh and have adult time the kids become my responsibility and I should wait at home and clean up, make sandwiches and keep things ticking over ready for his arrival back.

It will be interesting to see what he says tomorrow. If he comes back. I’ve unlocked the door for him so he can get in without having to knock me up, don’t see why I should suffer anymore than I currently am doing. Also having braxton hicks, felt like texting him telling him in pain but will he give a shit? Will he fuck. I need to find my anger. I’m just so placid now probably because I’m use to him acting like a twat

Downton57 Sun 13-Oct-19 22:44:25

There's absolutely no point in looking for sympathy from someone who is drunk or drugged. Don't engage tonight at all. You don't need the stress. Even tomorrow, he will be defensive and hungover, and I'd guess you'll get nowhere. He will deflect and blame you, but I expect you know that already. It's up to you how you wish to live, but personally, I wouldn't wish living with an alcoholic/binge drinker on my worst enemy.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-19 23:03:54

You sound beaten down and it is sad to see. I hope you see the light very soon. Hopefully not when he has put you or your precious baby in a dangerous situation.

Kaboni19 Sun 13-Oct-19 23:04:16

I am quite familiar with this situation and still in it. If you're anything like me, you don't need anyone to tell you anything because you know full well but you need the rant because you're so fed up. What will happen, is you begin to care less and lose interest. Just don't lose yourself over it.

Summery1 Sun 13-Oct-19 23:18:52

'their mums homes'? Does he have children with multiple partners?

Either way, he doesn't sound like a keeper. Sorry. But you will manage without him, you and your baby. You'll be able to lock your own front door and go off to sleep.

Needadvice12 Mon 14-Oct-19 01:57:09

He’s just rolled in now. He’s not been this verbally abusive for a while, think it’s coz I haven’t contacted him all night. Rang me to ask for money for a taxi home and cigarettes and calling me a fucking dickhead when I said no then he’s going to kill himself and then it’s his money in the bank so why can’t he have it. He’s on the sofa I feel like creating but I’m not going to I’m just so annoyed. Fed up of it. As if it’s my fault he’s been out drinking and taking drugs - this is what I mean when I say he will do anything to excuse himself.

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