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Partners addiction

(18 Posts)
tinatsarina Sun 29-Sep-19 11:40:05

Both 29. Have a young child and another on the way. Partner is addicted to cocaine. It started off just at the odd party and developed. Now it's every Thursday night at least that I know about. They're starting to lie about getting it. Only a gram or two a week and sometimes I'm told it's free cuz they run some round to other people for the dealer.
The other month they asked me to help a friend out cuz they owed £200 in drug bill and didn't have it. I said ok can't see a friend getting into trouble but it's not happening again. They admitted last week after me hounding to get paid back from the friend that it was actually them that owed the money. It was the same last week.
They're obviously lying about how much they're getting if it's been racked up to £200. I don't know if I can even help them now. They're off work today cuz they sat up all night drinking, I suspect it's been more than drink. Like many people I don't want to give up on my partner but this isn't healthy and it's clearly starting to effect other aspects of our lives. I'm worried about my family judging me because I know about it and haven't left straight away.

HoneywithLemon Mon 30-Sep-19 05:20:06

I want to help but what is your question?

HoneywithLemon Tue 01-Oct-19 14:09:02

OP are you ok?

tinkiewinkiewoo Wed 02-Oct-19 22:42:20

Oh wow! You need to give him options like
1:arrange for him to see someone?
2: to just leave you until he decides if it's your or the coke

Ask him why he is doing it? Sometimes it's to mask other issues that he hasn't properly come to terms with

Let me know how you get on xxx

tinatsarina Thu 03-Oct-19 20:10:50

Hi, sorry for taking so long to reply. So I spoke to him about it and basically said it's us or the coke.
He's been clean for four days now but did say to me yesterday how he was craving some as we're off work for the next few days. He wanted a gram. I said no, how he'd done so well to get to these two days without it. Why ruin it now. He then said even just half to celebrate being off 🤨 I said no and reminded him of the ultimatum. AFAIK he hasn't taken any. My trust in him is clearly hanging by a thread as I did search the house for his usual hiding spots and nothing yet.

tinkiewinkiewoo Sun 06-Oct-19 22:47:26

Your just going to have to take his word, atleast he has been honest when he is craving it!

Let him know how glad you are that he's chosen to spend time with you, plan something to look forward to together?

Hope he's still sticking to his word x

Apileofballyhoo Sun 06-Oct-19 22:59:45

Look up Nar-Anon OP. Don't get sucked into a life where you're checking around your house looking for drugs your partner has hidden. That's a horrible life.

HoneywithLemon Mon 07-Oct-19 15:12:01

What @Apileofballyhoo said. It's taken me the best part of 7 years to get out. Look up what enabling is. Make sure you are not doing it. Think about your boundaries. I wish I had been more clued up. Get out now, and if he recovers there's a chance of a future. Recovery is possible but hard and from your point of you you could be years in and still tricked into thinking it's a problem which has gone away. Only when he starts to get sloppy and slips up will you find out the truth and even then you will barely scratch the surface. Cocaine will consume him and your family. Look at the Adfam forum for stories of those affected by others use and you will see that I am not exaggerating.

iCrochetSoIDontKillPeople Mon 07-Oct-19 17:34:14

@HoneywithLemon What's your story? I've been married for 2 and half years and it's descended from rare social coke use to regular crack use. I have a long story (don't want to bore you all with it) just wondering if you had any tips/pointers about avoiding enabling. X

Apileofballyhoo Mon 07-Oct-19 17:43:53

iCrochet

You withdraw with love. So don't help the addict with finances or clearing up their emotional messes, while at the same time being pleasant and kind in a general way, and supportive of attempts to get clean (but not if it costs you anything, either emotionally or financially).

It's not your circus, and they're not your monkeys.

Firm boundaries - your money is not their money. Your home is not a place to do drugs. You are not to be abused in any way, shape or form. Do not give or lend money. Separate all your finances if you're a couple. You are to be talked to respectfully. You are not a counsellor. You are not required to give emotional support.

If they cross the boundaries the relationship is over, but you must stick to this.

Don't issue ultimatums unless you are prepared to stick to them.

JoObrien7 Mon 07-Oct-19 17:47:44

@tinatsarina

You need professional help because cocaine is a class A drug. He won't stop just like that it is a powerful drug ... ask your doctor to help. It is also illegal so be careful.

thejealouscow Mon 07-Oct-19 18:06:20

Who's 'they' ? Are you referring to your partner and his friend?

iCrochetSoIDontKillPeople Mon 07-Oct-19 18:38:15

He is going to CA and AA (alcohol is always the trigger)... we're separated at the moment while he focuses on staying clean. He's not a daily user, he can go months clean, but when he gets stressed/down and has a few drinks, then he's really tempted to use. I've been trying to help for 18 months now (that's how long I've known about all this) but despite all the empty promises, it's clear I can't help anymore. I'm devastated, I really am. Then man I met, fell in love with and married isn't there anymore sad

Apileofballyhoo Mon 07-Oct-19 21:47:59

iCrochet,

Can you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon yourself? Have you got kids?

iCrochetSoIDontKillPeople Tue 08-Oct-19 15:15:32

@Apileofballyhoo ... haven't been yet, I've been meaning to. I have two girls, both from my first marriage.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 08-Oct-19 17:03:37

It's really helpful from a learning to look after yourself point of view, and not letting the addict's behaviour upset you or affect you so much.

HoneywithLemon Tue 08-Oct-19 18:00:59

@iCrochetSoIDontKillPeople I don't know if I have any tips. I feel like everything I did was wrong. If I had my time again I would have kicked him out an ended my marriage straight away. My best advice would be tell everyone in your family as soon as you know. Get counselling with someone who knows addiction if you can afford it and even if you can't. Formulate your boundaries and kick him out as soon as he lapses never mind relapses. Know that you can't believe one word he says and that what you do know is probably only a fragment of the truth. Do not use your money to fill the gaps where his should be. I was married for 20 years and it's all gone because of this terrible drug.

Fuckenstein Tue 08-Oct-19 22:14:32

My BF has just admitted his is addicted to cocain too. I kind of knew but he wouldn't admit it and now he has I am at a loss of what to do.

Just reassance that you are not alone OP.

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