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Partners addiction(18 Posts)
Both 29. Have a young child and another on the way. Partner is addicted to cocaine. It started off just at the odd party and developed. Now it's every Thursday night at least that I know about. They're starting to lie about getting it. Only a gram or two a week and sometimes I'm told it's free cuz they run some round to other people for the dealer.
The other month they asked me to help a friend out cuz they owed £200 in drug bill and didn't have it. I said ok can't see a friend getting into trouble but it's not happening again. They admitted last week after me hounding to get paid back from the friend that it was actually them that owed the money. It was the same last week.
They're obviously lying about how much they're getting if it's been racked up to £200. I don't know if I can even help them now. They're off work today cuz they sat up all night drinking, I suspect it's been more than drink. Like many people I don't want to give up on my partner but this isn't healthy and it's clearly starting to effect other aspects of our lives. I'm worried about my family judging me because I know about it and haven't left straight away.
I want to help but what is your question?
Oh wow! You need to give him options like
1:arrange for him to see someone?
2: to just leave you until he decides if it's your or the coke
Ask him why he is doing it? Sometimes it's to mask other issues that he hasn't properly come to terms with
Let me know how you get on xxx
Hi, sorry for taking so long to reply. So I spoke to him about it and basically said it's us or the coke.
He's been clean for four days now but did say to me yesterday how he was craving some as we're off work for the next few days. He wanted a gram. I said no, how he'd done so well to get to these two days without it. Why ruin it now. He then said even just half to celebrate being off 🤨 I said no and reminded him of the ultimatum. AFAIK he hasn't taken any. My trust in him is clearly hanging by a thread as I did search the house for his usual hiding spots and nothing yet.
Your just going to have to take his word, atleast he has been honest when he is craving it!
Let him know how glad you are that he's chosen to spend time with you, plan something to look forward to together?
Hope he's still sticking to his word x
Look up Nar-Anon OP. Don't get sucked into a life where you're checking around your house looking for drugs your partner has hidden. That's a horrible life.
What @Apileofballyhoo said. It's taken me the best part of 7 years to get out. Look up what enabling is. Make sure you are not doing it. Think about your boundaries. I wish I had been more clued up. Get out now, and if he recovers there's a chance of a future. Recovery is possible but hard and from your point of you you could be years in and still tricked into thinking it's a problem which has gone away. Only when he starts to get sloppy and slips up will you find out the truth and even then you will barely scratch the surface. Cocaine will consume him and your family. Look at the Adfam forum for stories of those affected by others use and you will see that I am not exaggerating.
@HoneywithLemon What's your story? I've been married for 2 and half years and it's descended from rare social coke use to regular crack use. I have a long story (don't want to bore you all with it) just wondering if you had any tips/pointers about avoiding enabling. X
You withdraw with love. So don't help the addict with finances or clearing up their emotional messes, while at the same time being pleasant and kind in a general way, and supportive of attempts to get clean (but not if it costs you anything, either emotionally or financially).
It's not your circus, and they're not your monkeys.
Firm boundaries - your money is not their money. Your home is not a place to do drugs. You are not to be abused in any way, shape or form. Do not give or lend money. Separate all your finances if you're a couple. You are to be talked to respectfully. You are not a counsellor. You are not required to give emotional support.
If they cross the boundaries the relationship is over, but you must stick to this.
Don't issue ultimatums unless you are prepared to stick to them.
You need professional help because cocaine is a class A drug. He won't stop just like that it is a powerful drug ... ask your doctor to help. It is also illegal so be careful.
Who's 'they' ? Are you referring to your partner and his friend?
He is going to CA and AA (alcohol is always the trigger)... we're separated at the moment while he focuses on staying clean. He's not a daily user, he can go months clean, but when he gets stressed/down and has a few drinks, then he's really tempted to use. I've been trying to help for 18 months now (that's how long I've known about all this) but despite all the empty promises, it's clear I can't help anymore. I'm devastated, I really am. Then man I met, fell in love with and married isn't there anymore
Can you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon yourself? Have you got kids?
@Apileofballyhoo ... haven't been yet, I've been meaning to. I have two girls, both from my first marriage.
It's really helpful from a learning to look after yourself point of view, and not letting the addict's behaviour upset you or affect you so much.
My BF has just admitted his is addicted to cocain too. I kind of knew but he wouldn't admit it and now he has I am at a loss of what to do.
Just reassance that you are not alone OP.
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