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How have I not seen it!!!!!

(11 Posts)
Blackcountrychik83 Tue 27-Aug-19 06:34:59

Yesterday my dp of 18 months finally admitted he has been taking coke for the past year or so and has been spending 300, 400, 500 a month on it and I've not even known!!!! He's even been doing it at work lately and he's got in over his head. He's been dodging drugs tests and completely lying to me about money the whole time.

And I was oblivious!!! I mean completely naive I didn't even know he didn't pay the rent one month because of it and he's been borrowing money for months, strapping it til payday and paying hundreds out and then telling me he didn't pick up as much this month. Then the lies to cover his tracks of where his money has gone...
Me being me I accepted it all, borrowed off my Mum, scrimped all month, to the point the night before payday I transferred my last £2 to him so we could get tea.

I feel absolutely sick!!! He got paid Friday and its all gone. He even snapped the chip out of his bank card so he wouldn't be able to access his account so I wouldn't know he had no money left...

Our relationship has been a mess for months. Hes been arguing with me as an excuse for me to not come bk to our flat. He swears he's never done it in front of me.

Where do I go from here?

He wants me to take full control of his money. Not let him have any money at all and I keep his bank card and transfer all his wages starting next month into my bank....

But that won't stop him wanting it! He already has an alcohol problem but he says he doesn't want to be this person anymore, he's glad I found out, he wanted to tell me for months and has gone to many times... He wanted me to find out so i can help him...

But its the lies he's told me....
How have I not seen it!!! He works 60 hours plus a week and he's skint the weekend after pay day every month and I've been oblivious...

Can you just go cold turkey? Or does he need real help?

I know zero about drugs really apart from my ex for years did the same, always strapping weed, spending half of his months wages before me and the kids saw a penny and I've said yesterday I ain't doing it again! I don't want to be with someone who takes drugs and lies to me blatantly.

He says he really needs my help to stop him buying it but I want to be his gf not his bloody Mother!!!
I guess it's going to get worse before better!

notmuchmoretogive Tue 27-Aug-19 06:44:27

First things first, stop beating yourself up about not knowing.

Secondly, before you think about him think about yourself. Do you really want to take on this mess? It sounds like you don't have children and can therefore walk away with a clean break. You need to really consider this option before anything else.

FinallyHere Tue 27-Aug-19 07:01:38

Good call by PP, what do you want for yourself? Do you have DC together ?

If he as an adult cannot control himself around drugs, then I think he is asking a very.great.deal from you to exert that control on his behalf. He is asking you to parent him.

Is that what you want? It is one sure way to kill any passion or desire you have for him.

There is really no good way for that to end.

boredboredboredboredbored Tue 27-Aug-19 07:30:16

You're only 18 months in to this relationship and things are this bad. Are you willing to walk away? It doesn't sound like something worth holding onto.

notmuchmoretogive Tue 27-Aug-19 07:44:47

Sorry coming back to this again.

Your post makes me sad as you berate yourself (how couldn't I have noticed), moves on to how he's treated you (lying, you borrowing money on his behalf etc) and then just talks about his needs and what he needs you to do to help him.

This is why my advice above said to think about yourself first. Please put your needs before anyone else. There is nothing wrong with walking away.

If you are thinking about staying make sure you really know what you're getting into before you stand by him, there are lots of addiction support helplines / advice for family.

Graphista Tue 27-Aug-19 08:58:44

Am I right in understanding you have children from a previous relationship?

If so then to be perfectly honest I'd say you need to prioritise them and he needs to move out. Quite honestly if you've only been together 18 months anyway then I'd say you moved in together too quickly as it is.

At the very least he needs to not be living with you and children while he deals with this and cannot return to your home until he's been completely clean AND sober for at least a year. And even then I would recommend you have certain conditions.

I'm from a family of addicts and can tell you the alcohol dependency alone is something that cannot in my experience be dealt with without outside help.

Cocaine is incredibly physically addictive, a real nightmare addiction to fight, relapse is common, even more so than with heroin I believe.

Again I would say he needs structured, professional help to address that. And your kids definitely don't need to be around someone dealing with that.

notmuchmoretogive Tue 27-Aug-19 09:02:09

If Graphista is correct and you have children from a previous relationship then my advice differs completely. You need to put them first and by doing that your partner needs to go now.

hotcrossbun4321 Wed 28-Aug-19 23:21:03

Firstly, be kind to yourself. Addicts are calculating and secretive, and it's hard to believe someone you love and think highly of would be so stupid and risky as to take drugs, so why would you have possibly known?!

DO NOT let him make you feel responsible for stopping him taking stuff. Some recovery programmes tell family members to remember the 3Cs: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.

He needs to get professional treatment - whether Cocaine Anon, Narcotics Anon or rehab. This will likely be a long hard process and there will be setbacks. Look after yourself - it is incredibly stressful and draining supporting an addict whilst juggling work and other responsibilities. It will also forever change the dynamics of your relationship - yes addiction is an illness, but it is incredibly hard to forgive someone for lying, causing financial difficulty and behaving so badly.

In my case, the coke addict in my life is a relative. They have led to me being on mood stabilising meds, spending thousands on counselling and battling suicidal thoughts at times because it feels so hopeless and upsetting seeing the effect they're having on my loved ones and turning away support. If you have been together for 18 months and you're not married then my advice is to get out and live your life. Certainly do not expose kids to that type of behaviour or environment.

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 28-Aug-19 23:27:56

Just dump him. Unless you want to waste your life, or a large chunk of it at the very least.

Needadvice12 Sun 13-Oct-19 17:56:07

O actually believe that this type of scenario is quite common. I know a couple and how gf is unaware that her partner takes cocaine quite frequently. He lies about working overtime when he’s actually in the pub.

Don’t beat yourself up over it.

He needs to seek professional help and get himself to one of them cocaine anonymous meetings. He won’t be able to go cold turkey. His deals have his number so will text him every Friday and it’s going to tempting for him.

If you want to stay with him and fight this together you need to start looking at activities which do not involve the pub or cocaine use or temptation to it. It’s hard in the beginning because it will be all he knows.

Hope you get it sorted op

LouDogLover Wed 30-Oct-19 15:06:43

@Blackcountrychik83 I know this post is a few months old but I couldn't just read and not comment as I have been in this situation.

My soon to be ex husband relapsed (or probably never stopped) taking Heroin and Crack. We were together for 3 years (during this time he was apparently clean) and married (together as not divorced yet) for 1 year and during that year his addiction became apparent. I would regularly find burnt tin foil, methadone bottles, Subutex boxes, he sold the watch I got him, my watch, my bracelet, my laptop, he would steal money out of my purse....I could never have cash in my purse, he would take money out of my bank account as he new my pin as I had gave him my pin number once to go to the shops...like you would give to your partner as they are meant to be trustworthy. He would regularly borrow £30 a time from me, his parents, his siblings. He would cause arguments when he probably didn't have any drugs.

I went out with my sister one Saturday for the day and when I got back I was accused of being out at a local Christmas Market having sex with another man...who has sex at a Christmas Market anyway lol. He also then told me I stunk of sex...lol, I was a slag. That was the day I decided enough was enough and that the marriage was over.

Sorry to hijack your thread but I have been in a very similar situation and I know how manipulative addicts are...they lie, they mess with your head, make you think its all in your head. I was sure my ex was back on drugs at the time but he managed to convince me it wasn't the case every time.

Your only 18 months into the relationship....walk away and live your life. You don't deserve this.

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