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Need some advice(9 Posts)
I've thought for some time that DH has an alcohol addiction. I've recently discovered that he's been seeing girls in other countries when he goes there for work, and I suspect that he has developed a sex addiction. In the last week I've discovered that he's been using cocaine. We are going to counselling together this week. I have no idea what to say at counselling, what questions to ask, or how to move forward with DH after all that has happened. Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't think DH accepts that he has addictions, I think he thinks he is in control of all that he does and he could stop any time. Except he hasn't stopped, any time.
I don’t think his addictions are something you can sort out. I do think your boundaries are something you can sort out. Can you accept any of this? If not, then simply say that you are not willing to live a life with a DH like this.
If he won’t change then it’s tome to separate. You cannot tell him what to do; you can decide what you will or won’t accept.....
Thank you. I have had a few days to think since he dropped the bombshell about the cocaine. I won't be with someone who takes drugs, he knows that. If he won't seek help for the addiction(s) then we're over. I have massive trust issues now, obviously, and there is no way that can be resolved without the addiction being addressed.
Your counsellor will ask lots of questions, so don’t worry too much about what to say. Be prepared to be honest about how you feel about his behaviour, even if it’s a bit vague at the moment. I hope the counselling helps you work through how you feel about the situation.
It's not your job to fix him - it's his job to fix himself and prove that he can be worthy of you again.
But if you've decided to stay and support him, just keep in mind that his demons have nothing to do with you and are not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong and you have not failed in any way.
Please make sure you care for yourself too, it's extremely hard to be a support person. Make sure he's not dragging you down and eclipsing everything else. If that means you eventually need to part ways, so be it.
Azrail, he blames his affairs on me. He describes our 20 year marriage as having been largely 'sexless' - from my perspective, that's a huge exaggeration, but he's convinced himself that he's right. I admit that I (probably naively) thought he was happy with the level of intimacy and did not go out of my way to initiate more sex, be more adventurous etc. So in that regard I do feel at least partly responsible - although I have told him that he chose to cheat rather than to work together to work things out, I did not make that choice. I love DH and I feel some responsibility for why we are where we are, and that's why I want to try to make the relationship work. But I can't see that we can move forward without DH acknowledging that he has addictions that need to be addressed.
Addictive people always blame someone else. You need to educate yourself about addictive behaviour so that you can stay stable. Try al anon or similar - I feel like you are thinking about him all the time - think about you and what you want/ need/ deserve from this relationship.
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