Cocaine addiction

[Lucasbroome]

Hi I’m looking for some serious advice and a friend if I’m honest. Feeling really shit and I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
So I know my husband uses cocaine socially when out and it’s something that’s really not bothered me before, he’s always not brought it into the house (so I believed) and was just a thing he has always done when out drinking with friends which was probably once every 3/6 months. We both loved crazy lifestyles before we settled down to have children and got married and I totally grew up and never touched anything of the sort since I was younger.
It so transpires the last 18minths I’d say he has been working a more relaxed job, a lot of working from home and late starts and has gotten into a terrible routine of staying up late and lying in. This has caused so many arguments as we have 2 small children and it seems to be me who is forever the one getting up and doing stuff untilL he decides to surface around midday by then he is very helpful. But still for me it’s not the best routine as I’m pregnant and I feel the pressure. I know he has been doing drugs at home now and then to which I beg him to not do with the kids in the house! I know this is selfish and he promises me he doesn’t... what can I do other than try and believe him. Things have just got totally worse.
I found underwear in the house. I confronted him in which he has admitted to having a stripper over whilist I was away!! He was totally in pieces ans confesses to me a party got out of hand with friends and it’s toatlly innocent. I mean how is that even innocent. Did he not stop and think for a second how disrespectful it is?! After me hitting the roof and him I’m tears he has confessed to me that he has a problem with cocaine and things got out of hand.
I mean you couldn’t write it could u?! I’m in utter shock.

1. I knew there was an issue with drugs that was developing and I want to help him through that
   

But 2. What the hell!!! How can I be emotional support and there for him through this addiction when he has completely disrespected me and our family in our home!!! I’m livid. I don’t know what to do. Do I leave? Or do I see this addiction through as a wife and mother and then sort our relationship problems out when things go have settled down.
Old me would pack my bags and never look back but this man is the love of my life And for our beautiful children i just don’t know what to do!

[LilyMumsnet]

OP, we're just giving this a bump for you.

[masterminder]

I've recently had to leave my partner, the father of my beautiful two year old because of his cocaine addiction. I've had the worst year of my entire life and I'm still struggling on a daily basis with the mess he has caused and left me with. He still hasn't accepted he even has an addiction so it's just painful and hard to deal with. Drugs in the house around my child? No. Absolutely unforgivable.

[Lucasbroome]

I’m aorry you are going through a bad time :( it’s not easy when you love someone and they ruin everything you wished would be perfect!
Do you think if he realises he had a problem you would try to help?

[Shazafied]

Sorry to be blunt but it’s not going to get better and for the sake of your kids and for yourself you need to kick him out or leave.

And I’m sorry but the story about the stripper is bollocks !!

[Shazafied]

^ I’m saying this as someone who ended a long term relationship with a Coke head

[GemJR]

Honestly I would walk away right now. I was in a similar situation- a drug addiction that he wouldn't accept he had and I look back now and think why the hell did I stick around waiting for this man to pick me or our children before drugs when it was never going to happen.

Sure when it blew up he would say all the right things- make a phone call to a rehab or a doctor to satisfy me but then we would be back to square one a couple of days later with him using again.

You describing him lying in bed and leaving you to deal with the kids on your own is exactly what my life was back. Since he has been gone I haven't looked back and wonder why I wasted all that time trying to fix someone who didn't think they needed fixing

[masterminder]

I will never be able to forgive him for some of the things he has done in the last year, but he is the father of my daughter and if he ever chooses to get help and go to rehab I would support him and allow him to see his daughter again when he was 100% proven to be in recovery. That isn't going to be anytime soon though.

[masterminder]

Oh and I agree, my life is SO much better without him. And I never ever thought I would ever say that. But it is. A trillion times better in every single way.

[CrotchetyQuaver]

TBH I wouldn't believe a word he tells you. You can't help them, they have to want to change. So please don't try.

[poopypants]

OP, I think every situation is different. There are plenty of cases where, with help and support, people have overcome addictions. Then There are others where they have not. I don't know if asking random strangers what to do it very helpful as they have only their own situation to draw from. I suggest you seek help from an addiction specialist and then move forward to see how committed your dh is to recovery.

[Lucasbroome]

Thankyou :) I have made a few appointments today. I totally agree but it’s good to hear a bit of harsh truths when your stuck in a situation where you don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong 🤦🏼‍♀️
I feel like reading your replies it’s okay to walk and things could get better... but I’m the other hand so I need to go through a bit more shit to atleast know I gave it my everything?!
I think a professional will guide us both in the right situation.

Thank you everyone ❤️

[Lucasbroome]

@shazzafied I think your right I think the stripper thing is a total fucking load of bollocks! I can’t get my head around it? Who does that?
I would never put him down as a man who would consider that. Just shows either what drugs does to you or that you think you really know somebody?!
Today has been a lot of “grown the fuck up” comments to be honest. I’m in shock 😭

[masterminder]

God I stayed for so long because I thought I could and was desperate to help him. He was sectioned at one point, I stayed. He had cocaine in our house, I stayed. He threatened me, I stayed. He put our daughter in danger... the end. You will know when you're at your final point, I don't know how but you will. I really hope he can get some help, but I'll tell you now that is has to be HIM making his appointments and phone calls, not you. Never you.

[Lucasbroome]

Thank you masterminder, that is a good bit of advice. I did make the GP apt but I think from now on I will take a step back. This is so serious right now and I can’t mother a man aswell as 2 kids. I wish I had told him to leave but part of me didn’t want him going doing something stupid?! God this is such a headfuck 😭 now I’m thinking am I making it too easy for him.
Does anybody have any advice UK based on where to get help etc? Is this something the GP will arrange

[masterminder]

It's so hard to get help in someone else's behalf. I was told by every single organisation/person/charity I contacted that it HAD to come from him and it took me such a long time to come to terms with that. My ex is still not in a position to ask for help, his addiction is distorting his perception of reality unfortunately he suffers from drug induced psychosis which is something I never even heard of until this, plus it makes my situation different to yours. There are local places to call if you google that will support you and your children, I'm in Newcastle and they've been brilliant so far. If he doesn't want to stop taking cocaine he won't stop, he will just get better (or so he'll think) at hiding it.

[Lucasbroome]

Thanks mastermind, you don’t realise how much your words are helping :)
I feel like I need help with how to deal with it for the kids and for me x
He says he does want too, but I guess only time will tell? Unfortunately. X

[masterminder]

Yeah, words mean nothing without action unfortunately. My daughter is two so luckily she hasn't got a clue what's gone on, but I've kept her away from it all as much as is possible. It took me a long time to to realise how much help I needed to process it all, I had to be okay to make sure she was okay. Look after yourself as well as the kids.

[ourkidmolly]

He's had a prostitute or a one night stand in your home. In your bed. Compromising your health and that if your unborn baby. Do not believe his bullshit. Your concerns don't need to be around his late rising ffs. You're exposing your children to a serial liar and a drug addict. Kick him out now.

[masterminder]

If you'd like to PM me I'd be more than happy to chat. We could probably help eachother!

[ExhaustedGrinch]

In tears reading this because I'm going through similar and have been feeling so alone.

Won't go into detail on your thread but DP is now in a hostel after using in our home. It's hard, I love him, but our son comes first. We're still together, I will support him from a distance and importantly he knows now that I won't tolerate it. When he moved out a weight was lifted off my shoulders and he actually is now getting a lot of support from other areas - NA, GP, support worker etc. Don't underestimate the toll it can take on you trying to tackle something like this on your own, your DH needs help but so do you. It's not easy being apart because obviously at night my mind is racing with thoughts of 'is he using right now' ... but I don't message him and check up on him too much, I have to give him my trust and it is his decision if he chooses to break that again.

I mean this in the kindest way but you can't muddy your thoughts right now about what YOU want or what your DH wants - you really must think about what is best for your children. If we didn't have DS we'd still be living together, it hurts us both being apart but it'll hurt my DS more if he were to catch his dad using or find drugs - or even to hear us arguing about drugs.

[Lucasbroome]

Thank you masterminder I will :) sometimes talking to strangers can be the best thing right!
I hope that you are okay ❣️

Exhausted grinch, I’m so sorry that you are going through so much pain and it can’t be easy living apart- I know exactly the kind of feelings I mean when you think “what are they up too” if they are away for too long.
This is all so new to me, if I’m honest I think the drug thing I can handle for the sake of my kids I’m quite a strong woman and I know I will do what’s right for my children but this whole stripper thing?! I mean how will I ever really know the extent of what happened or it it’s happened before. I don’t even want to be at home because of the thought of it.
He’s saying his head is so fucked right now and it’s the drugs have gotten him in a bad place. But I’m thinking is this an excuse?! Or are they really clouding his judgement on what’s right and what’s wrong. My husband has some issue I know that stem from childhood which do make an appearance from time to time, something I think he covers up and he needs to talk about so I’m reluctant to throw him out on his arse until he has given some counselling a good go.
Arrgggh I never ever thought I’d be in this situation! We’re such a living caring little family. I feel like ur username right now 😭😩

[Lucasbroome]

Ourkidmolly
I’m not entirely sure that she’s a prostitute or that he slept with her. I mean his intentions were awful but if what he’s saying is true it was harmless fun of a girl coming over to strip! I mean not harmless to me, it’s killing me. Who knows if he’s really telling the truth- will I ever know?!
Could be the first could be the 10th time- he just got caught is all.

[ourkidmolly]

Jesus. I mean this nicely but wise up. You find a pair of knickers and he confesses a cock and bull story that my 8 year old wouldn't believe. Get yourself to a sexual health clinic and get checked over before you have your baby.

[ExhaustedGrinch]

He’s saying his head is so fucked right now and it’s the drugs have gotten him in a bad place. But I’m thinking is this an excuse?!
This is one of the shittest parts, you want to help and you do feel sorry for them but at the same time you're so furious! How much leeway do we give them? How much do we use their 'illness?' as an 'excuse?' My DP has always suffered with paranoia but obviously the drugs have made this 1000 x worse. I feel sorry for him that he suffers with it, but I'm angry that he's made it worse (to a point that last binge he had paranoid psychosis)! It's tiring. What makes it harder is that when you talk to people in real life they say to walk away and wash your hands with them, it's the advice I'd have given myself until I was thrust into this mess - but when you're living it, well it's not so easy.
I don't know what to say RE the whole stripper thing, and in your home too! I hope your DP appreciates what an amazing woman he has to even consider staying with him after that stunt!
Have you considered counselling together? My partner has agreed to couples counselling but I haven't looked into the costs etc yet - might not even be something we can afford (although somehow he manages to find hundreds to stick up his nose every 4 - 6 weeks) ... !!

[thebluewidow]

In my experience it doesn't get better. My DH used and saw prostitutes till he dropped dead in the street with a massive amount of cocaine in his system. He was always trying to stop. He never did it in the house - that was one of my boundaries - but after he died I'd found out he'd arranged a for a prostitute to come here on one occasion, and perhaps there were others. I didn't have sex with him because of it all and we basically led separate lives. The only reason I didn't kick him out (or move out myself) was because our finances were so tied there was no way to separated them without the lot going up his nose first.

If you can, I would separate from him. If you can find a way to keep your money safe while you do it (I never could), then I would because it doesn't get better. We're in a mess now, but not as much of a mess as if I'd ended the relationship. There aren't any happy endings really.