Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention; if you think your problem could be acute, do so immediately. Even qualified doctors can't diagnose over the internet, so do bear that in mind when seeking or giving advice.
Husband cocaine addict and I'm not allowed to be angry?(25 Posts)
I found out 4 weeks ago my husband is a cocaine addict.
He went into rehab for 4 weeks and has since left and is now staying with his family.
He says he is struggling with my anger and that I’m responsible for my feelings not him. I believe that his behaviour has led to my feelings of anger but that doesn’t appear to be a valid response in his eyes. He risked our children. He spent over £80k of our savings. He has destroyed our lives and seems to be really downplaying this to me. He says it will take him a lifetime to make amends and I am unfair and not supporting him as I should as his wife. I should be showing him love and support and compassion apparently as he says it’s the same as if he had heart disease and was therefore unable to be a good husband and father. My son is crying every day that he’s not at home.
To be honest, after everything he has done I’m actually more annoyed by this attitude he seems to have after rehab than the behaviour in active addiction. Has rehab taught him this? Am I wrong to be angry and not more supportive? Is he not at all responsible for how I feel due to his behaviour?
I would be divorcing him, not supporting him
You don't owe him a fucking thing.
Fucking hell you have every right to be raging! What a twat
Don't fall for his bullshit! He is selfish and has zero insight how much his behavior as negatively affected you,your children and all the relationships in the family. Addicts only care about their addiction and themselves. Your best bet would be to break away with the children and seriously consider getting a lawyer and filing for divorce
I'm just surprised he still seems selfish when he's been in rehab for a month and is no longer "active" in the addiction. I thought rehab would help.
He effed up and does not want your anger? Wow!
Can you ask him where was his mind, his responsibility etc when he was snorting up the money?
You have EVERY right to be angry at him and the situation!
I don’t know what they do in rehab but I assume they are taught they have to own up to their mistakes and rebuild trust with loved ones and not forgetting dealing with anger of people that they have let down and used.
Someone should tell him he is no position to tell you that your anger is not justified or that you are not supportive of him.
Tbh he should be doing everything in his power to show you how remorseful he is and take every harsh word you say ( to a point) to vent your feelings. HE messed up not YOU
He wouldn’t have spent £80k on heart disease though...
He is dodging responsibility for everything and divertng the conversation onto you.
Of course you should be freaking angry.
He thinks if he tries to guilt trip you into believing you are to.blame for not supporting him now he can coast past what he has done and not face up.to.it.
Rehab will not have told him to.do this. They will have told him.to take responsibility for what he did and accept the impact on others before he moves on.
Tell him to go to hell you arent interested in his bs. Its not your responsibility to babysit him through it. If he was big enough to.do all that behind your back and destroy his familys future he is big enough to accept the consequences.
thundercloud8 if he has been in rehab he needs to return. If he 'hasnt fully understood the impact his addiction has had on those around him and has left thinking your unreasonable to be angry then he hasnt been listening.
Addiction recovery is led by the individual and he should be stating he is now on the road to recovery and wants your support not be getting upset that you may be feeling a little angry!
Keep reminding yourself that the onus is on the addicted to seek support and manage their triggers not you, they own their addiction
It's far easier to blame you than accept responsibility.
Sounds like rehab did fuck all, frankly.
Not a man I'd want in my life.
Fuck that noise. Give him his marching orders.
You have every right to be angry with him for all the reasons you mentioned and even more so for the way he's trying to dictate how you should feel.
They may have said that he is responsible for himself in rehab and he is turning this on you. You have every right to be angry after what he has done. Are you wrong to be not be more supportive? I don't think so. A large number of people relapse so you'd be wise to proceed with caution. You have got to think of yourself first.
I'd contact AdFam, they support families dealing with drug use.
He needs to be honest about what he has done, and who it has affected and how. You need to be able to express how it has affected you too, before you begin to explore what would make it better.
Fucksake. His choices have made this happen. He really needs to take responsibility for that. It's really, really not the same as having a heart condition.
Of course he is active in his addiction. A month is no where near long enough to help. He may not be using today but he is active.
Yes you are responsible for you feelings, but so is he and he is responsible for the damage his action have caused to you, your children and him.
He is no where near ready to come back home, he needs to sort himself out away from you and your DC and to amends for the damage he has caused to your livelihood.
He doesn't deserve your support until he is actively improving himself, stopping the addictive behaviour.
I'm with you OP. It's bloody hard isn't it?! I'm in the process of distancing myself from a sibling with the same addiction as your husband. I've been weighing up the pros and cons - there's people who push the 'it's an illness, they need compassion' line but it's hard when they're continually refusing to change their behaviour and give little regard for other people's feelings. You do whatever is best for YOU and your DCs. At the moment he doesn't sound like he's willing to take full responsibility for his actions and the pain he has caused.
As a former cocaine addict I say
It absolutely is a choice to remain addicted or not
Fuck that powerless shit.
Every day I miss coke, but I gave it up for the sake of myself, my husband and my children. I'd never go back because you can't have it both ways, you can't have an active addiction plus maintain your responsibilities to yourself and your family. I chose to give up and reading posts like this makes me realise I made the right choice. And I had a serious, 10 years + addiction too.
Sounds like he is not taking responsibility for what he's done. Its his fault he a) got addicted and b) stayed addicted and whilst it's commendable that he's now in rehab, he needs to own what he's done.
How come he’s staying with family and not back with you?
Have you lived with an addict Romax? Because if you had, you'd be able to come up with a hundred reasons.
Ha! Yes my mother. An alcoholic. Died when I was in my twenties.
I asked because I honestly wondered whether it was procedure. However I should have elaborated I suppose
OP, your husband clearly isn't in recovery. He's still thinking like an addict and is trying to shift blame. Sorry about your mum, Romax. I'm over-sensitive as my late partner's family still think if I'd taken him back after his 2 week stint in rehab he wouldn't have relapsed.
I was frequently raging at my husband, and that's as someone who is a psychotherapist who understands what cocaine addiction does to the brain. When I put my professional head on, I could think about the brain structure, synaptic receptors etc etc etc and how that would have badly affected him. But I wasn't a psychotherapist in that relationship, I was a wife. And as a wife I was raging at his self-obsessions, perceived lack of effort, constant broken trust etc.
Also, I don't buy this "you are responsible for your own feelings" stuff. I mean, yes, you are always responsible for how you behave, but feelings can be influenced by external things. We cannot all be totally in control of every feeling that passes through our minds at every second of every day. Things that happen outside of our sphere of influence affect those things, and we DO have an impact on others. Rehab tells you to own your own mistakes, yes, but he sounds as if he's taken that message and turned it round to apply it to others rather than to himself.
(PS read my story on the bereavement board if you want to find out how it ended...)
Can’t believe he’s just fucked off and left his child. To me it says he’s bitterly ashamed as he can’t face you or your kids.
He’s right in saying he will never be able
To make up for what he’s done, but he should be at least trying and not leaving all the leg work for you to do when it’s him who has spunked your savings on cocaine.
I’d go nc with him apart from contact for your kids. If he is sorry he isn’t acting like he is, and he should be bending over backwards to show you he can and will change
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.