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Boundaries for porn, alcohol and cocaine addict husband

(63 Posts)
applecurrysauce Thu 11-Apr-19 20:30:29

Hello

I'm hoping you can help me. My DH has been in rehab for the past month for his porn, alcohol and cocaine addiction. I'm attending family sessions and have been asked to come up with some boundaries. I'm really struggling as I feel like he will say I am controlling. Can anyone help me with reasonable boundaries given the above addictions that I can ask of him?

Thanks!

ADHDme Fri 12-Apr-19 10:51:47

God ten years - definitely a rental nearby and he doesn't come back until he has reformed and you have rebuilt your relationship (and worked out if you can love this man).

ADHDme Fri 12-Apr-19 10:47:25

I think the boundaries you are being asked to set are to demonstrate that you can set appropriate boundaries and take a firm approach to safeguard your children and promote a positive family life.

You have got some major issues here and it's not appropriate for you to be asked to deal with them alone. Firstly I agree that he needs to describe exactly to you everything he did. Until he does that you cannot even begin to have him back. Secondly he needs to acknowledge who he has affected and how. You need to voice your side too. Then you need to talk about what would make things better.

Second he continues to get recovery supoort when he comes out. Cocaine anonymous groups etc. Third 100% control over finances. I couldn't give a shit if that is controlling, he is an addict and if you want to help then cut that off otherwise you are enabling. Fourth block all the porn stuff, there is software for that. Lastly 100% honesty. No demands, threats, bullying. I suspect he has told rehab he has a wonderfully supportive wife at home etc...

Personally I think the violation of trust is massive. You have to heal from that. Depending on how long this went on for I would consider him getting a six or twelve month rental nearby. He seriously has to reform but may need the support and motivation of his kids to do it.

I have no idea if it will work, its not an easy road, but you have posted under addiction support flowers.

SpamChaudFroid Fri 12-Apr-19 09:22:14

Addiction treatment is often awful and as this thread shows so is the ongoing public perception

I think the negative comments are about OP's DH's attitude to his own recovery, not about addicts in general. I'm an ex addict myself, so am well aware how difficult recovery is.

Feb2018mumma Fri 12-Apr-19 06:33:18

Just read he threatened to take the children half the time if you leave. He isn't planning to change anything, that amount of aggression isn't exactly screaming someone who is ready to come home from rehab! You need to protect your family, he won't get custody as you have always been the sole care provider and he is unstable flowers

Feb2018mumma Fri 12-Apr-19 06:28:28

I am so sorry, I can 100 percent understand how it's been 10 years especially if he was functioning like normal. You really need to tell the therapist and him that for the relationship to work you need full disclosure. You need to say that him saying he wants to draw a line is unsympathetic to what you have been through as a bystander and is minimizing the impact not knowing is having on your life!

The only way this will work is if he tells you everything and the fact he won't after telling you he's a alcoholic drug and porn addict just seems like he has more to hide? I know it must be so hard but try not to let him back into your life unless he is willing to open up and share everything. I can't imagine how scary it is finding out your living with a stranger flowers

FarFrom Fri 12-Apr-19 06:24:51

Op may well need to leave this man and put the mental health of her children first. But some of these replies are awful. The man is not well and may die from his illness. Addiction treatment is often awful and as this thread shows so is the ongoing public perception. Op I’m so sorry you are going through this and I agree you need support for yourself. There are no winners with addiction. It’s a horrible and woefully untreated illness.

Petitprince Fri 12-Apr-19 06:21:11

You need this awful man out of your life OP. He will not change.

Starlight456 Fri 12-Apr-19 05:59:17

The 50:50 is just a threat to keep you in place.
I lived with an addict . I think the nail in the coffin was the trust . After the last time we split up , he wanted to try again. He said he would give up drugs . I said basically heard it all before . His response was oh I am ready now I was just saying it before .

Your h seems to be going through the motions planning to change nothing

I would get myself in the housing list , start getting your eggs in a row . Are you a director of the company because I would have concerns there too.

Sculpin Fri 12-Apr-19 05:26:33

As someone else said, a boundary is not a law and it’s not up to you to monitor him 24/7. But if you do find him crossing a boundary, then he has to immediately take the action he agreed to when you set up the boundaries (eg leave).

OP, you should also be making plans to leave.

Of course he won’t get the DC 50/50! You’re the primary carer and he’s a proven drug addict! He’s just saying that to make sure you don’t dump him.

Hanab Thu 11-Apr-19 23:38:50

No advice really ... have a long hard think about what YOU want and need from this relationship .. add up the proc and cons snd decide wether or not you will be content with what he is offering or not in this case ..

He is a little shady & delusional in my opinion .. hr is not earning back your trust and not being truthful either

PickAChew Thu 11-Apr-19 23:38:33

None of those things happening in the same house as you and your children is a perfectly fair and not controlling boundary to set.
And how is he going to get hold of his coke with under 5s in his charge, cramping his style? He's completely bullshitting on that one.

SpamChaudFroid Thu 11-Apr-19 23:36:48

I just read he only plans to stay for 3 weeks. shock A programme of 12 to 16 weeks is usually recommended. Then aftercare, and if following a 12 step programme, NA meetings.

SpamChaudFroid Thu 11-Apr-19 23:27:12

OP, rehab has a tiny percentage of success the first time. Paired with the fact he's not prepared to be transparent with you, it's not sounding very hopeful I'm afraid. Especially as nothing changes for him, no consequences to his actions, so no reason to make a change. He wants you to carry on like before and not question him.

Apologies if already suggested, but are you having separate counselling yourself for the co-dependency? Believe me when I say living with an addict who doesn't want to stop is a living nightmare

HollowTalk Thu 11-Apr-19 23:17:31

If you work there, can you find out how much he transferred to his own account? I hate to think of the tax situation if he's been helping himself.

He wouldn't get 50:50 and he wouldn't want it, either. It would stop him enjoying himself.

FusionChefGeoff Thu 11-Apr-19 22:51:25

The people who I know who have the 'strongest' recovery via rehab usually stayed for months - and often were begging to stay longer. They appreciated the value and wanted as long as possible to do as much work on themselves before attempting to live normally again.

The people who bounce in and out for a couple of weeks here and there invariably end up going back to their addictions and, sorry but it's true, quite a few end up dead.

AnotherEmma Thu 11-Apr-19 22:46:44

"He's told me if I divorce him he will get the kids 50% of the time."

He's a fucking drug addict for fuck's sake.
Skip "family therapy" and get legal advice.
Try Women's Aid and/or the Rights of Women family law helpline.

YouBumder Thu 11-Apr-19 22:42:59

He's told me if I divorce him he will get the kids 50% of the time.

Oh sure he will, the courts will be just falling over themselves to let such an amazing father have 50/50 custody

YouBumder Thu 11-Apr-19 22:41:35

He’s a gaslighting arsehole and it sounds like he’s never going to face up to what he’s done, he’s just going to twist you asking for information as being “controlling”. He bloody needs someone to control him tbh as he’s clearly incapable of doing it himself.

A coke addled, alcoholic, porn addict. Jeez what a catch. I agree with those who have said the boundary would be the front door he wasn’t allowed over. And he wouldn’t be getting to see the children unsupervised either.

applecurrysauce Thu 11-Apr-19 22:36:10

No I do all the childcare, other than clubs and preschool etc. He's told me if I divorce him he will get the kids 50% of the time.

The business is still running while he's away. He has staff and I help out.

HollowTalk Thu 11-Apr-19 22:34:18

Sorry, on my phone and didn't notice some things.

You have three children and are a SAHM. Do you have any help with childcare?

He has his own business. What's happened to that now?

applecurrysauce Thu 11-Apr-19 22:34:14

We are renting. I don't work but I receive dividends from my husband's company though. It would probably be sufficient to get a new rental though. I'd have to look into it.

HollowTalk Thu 11-Apr-19 22:33:03

No, you don't go.

What's your situation in term of renting/mortgage/work and children?

applecurrysauce Thu 11-Apr-19 22:23:25

And if he refuses to live elsewhere? Which he sort of has...

I need to go?

Clutterbugsmum Thu 11-Apr-19 22:21:54

More you write the more I think the only boundary you can have is him living elsewhere.

The fact he will not be completely honest with you suggest that he is only paying lip service to rehab. The fact that he thinks if he has to stay longer in rehab then he wants shows he is not ready to leave and come home.

He is not ready to give his addictions and be a better husband and father.

mooncuplanding Thu 11-Apr-19 22:17:47

I feel worn out just reading your posts

What is the actual point? He either wants to become a better person or he doesn't. Not in your control and completely up to him.

He sounds like he doesn't want to truly get better and hasn't quite hit rock bottom. You should what the next step is for you in all of this.

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