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Do we spend Xmas with my drug using brother

(18 Posts)
Purpleboy Wed 05-Dec-18 13:08:24

I live with hubby and 2 girls 15 & 5. Our house is built onto the side of my parents house with an interconnecting door between the 2 houses. We are a very close family and regularly spend time “next door” with my parents.

Every year we all celebrate Xmas together next door, my family, parents, brother, sister and nephew. For the past 5 years we have been struggling with my brother who is a drug user, he has serious mental health issues Possibly bi polar or physcotic break, but we can’t get a diagnosis as he is on drugs. He thinks we are working with police feeding info to them. He is constantly accusing myself and parents of outrageous things that make no sense. Things got so bad last year my parents threw him out and he is now sleeping rough. He still comes by to eat, or wash his clothes bath etc...
He blames the whole family but mainly me for his situation.
He came over last week into my parents side myself and 5yo were in saying goodnight, as soon as he came through the door he started shouting and swearing in front of the little one, I quickly took her next door and away from the situation, but expectedly she was upset by it.
My mum expects us to be next door for Xmas and I don’t want to upset them by not being there my dad is 84 and we want to create these. Memories while we have a chance, but do I have to put myself and children in that situation? I also dont want to put my parents in a situation where they feel they have to choose between their children.

So devastated by this whole situation any advice would be greatly appreciated.

HollowTalk Wed 05-Dec-18 13:09:39

Can your parents come to your house and lock the door between the houses?

Purpleboy Wed 05-Dec-18 13:15:02

They could, but I don't want them to have to choose between us, I worry it might push him further away if he isn't included and things are already very strained. I want him to feel when/if he is ready to get help that he still has the family's support. I also don't want my parents to resent me for making them choose between us. 😔

abbsisspartacus Wed 05-Dec-18 13:17:08

You really can't subject your children to his abuse

Yawnsy Wed 05-Dec-18 13:31:42

Been in a similar situation. I would schedule your time with your Mum and Dad. For example. A special Christmas breakfast with them (from experience addict is unlikely to be up early). Then a Christmas evening tea with them where you get to say goodnight and close off the day in a nice way. That way, they don't have to choose and you avoid the animosity. Good luck!

SilverApples Wed 05-Dec-18 13:44:18

Prioritise your children’s safety, happiness and well-being over anything else. I think Yawnsy has picked a good way forwards, short and well-timed visits and lots of fun for you and the children apart from your parents and brother.

Purpleboy Wed 05-Dec-18 13:53:41

Thank you, your right last year he turned up at 3pm (dinner time) but spent most of the dinner talking about how he is homeless and the criminal activity he is involved in trying to support himself. Halfway through my dad told him to stop the conversation which he did, just can't bear the thought of not being with all my family for dinner but feel it's the only way to ensure the kids don't have to listen to him!

HollowTalk Wed 05-Dec-18 14:31:15

What a horrible situation for you all. The utter selfishness of addicts is awful to live with. As you say, he may well have underlying mental health problems but until he comes off drugs, who can say? The best thing would be for him to go into rehab, though I can't imagine that's easy to organise, especially if he's not willing to go.

Where does your sister live? Could you all go to her house?

Purpleboy Wed 05-Dec-18 14:36:48

Thank you hollow, my sister has special needs and so she always comes to my parents as she can't really cook. My nephew has his own place but not close by so can't go there.
It's so hard ultimately my children have to come first, I just know my parent will be gutted not to have Christmas dinner with their grandchildren who have lived with them since birth and they see daily.
We have tried getting him into rehab but he refuses as he doesn't want to stop taking drugs. He admits he has a problem and both our parents are on anti depressants but they are not in a place yet where they can totally turn their back on him.

HollowTalk Wed 05-Dec-18 14:38:53

Then maybe they should say, "We're going to Daughter's house for Christmas Day. I know you don't get on with her, so we're going to leave you a dinner in the oven and you can watch some television while we're next door." Would that work?

Purpleboy Wed 05-Dec-18 14:44:54

He's not allowed in the house on his own for fear of things being stolen in order to fund his habit. He is also very obnoxious and would probably just walk into my house anyway!
Maybe we could just spend the day with them and then near his arrival time we could go next door for our own family meal just the 4 of us, I know this would still upset my parents but at least no one is left out, kids still see grandparents and the rest of the family.

HollowTalk Wed 05-Dec-18 15:03:30

How long would he stay at your parents' house? Does he sleep there sometimes?

I know it sounds awful but it would be better if he went to the pub.

OliviaBenson Wed 05-Dec-18 15:25:57

To be honest maybe he should be excluded. He's an addict who keeps dipping into family life and creating a scene.

He chooses to keep taking drugs. You need to protect your children from him. I'd be telling my parents that if he's going to be there, you won't.

Purpleboy Wed 05-Dec-18 15:37:20

He will probably only stay a few hours, just come to get fed and presents and then be off. We do have a pub very local.

I don't want to put my parents in the position of choosing between us, totally agree with what you've said unfortunately my parents aren't there yet though, they are having a really tough time and I don't want to add to the huge amount of stress they are already under.

OliviaBenson Wed 05-Dec-18 16:36:36

Sorry op, you can't be everything to everyone. You need to protect your children here.

Your parents choice is their own but you have good reasons to not be there if your brother is. You can't help but make your parents choose but you would be doing it for the right reasons.

Protect your children.

Purpleboy Wed 05-Dec-18 18:53:11

Thank you Olivia I agree with you totally, they are the innocent ones in all of this.

cptartapp Wed 05-Dec-18 19:24:04

Your DC take priority, your parents make their own choices. They're extremely lucky to see you 365 days a year and have you and the GC so close. You can't always live your life to please them. Do you never see your DH family Xmas day?

redcaryellowcar Wed 05-Dec-18 19:59:34

Although this isn't that similar, my parents are away visiting my sister for Christmas to save them being alone, and initially I was sad, but then realised they we are fortunate enough to see them regularly, whereas my sister only sees them a couple of times a year, so although it would be lovely to spend Christmas Day with them, and ideally her too, it's just not happening this year and we'll have lovely family time to look forward to in the new year.

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