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Elderly father become an addict

(11 Posts)
labyrinth Tue 28-Aug-18 23:07:47

My 74 year old DF has over the last few years become very lonely and vulnerable. He's been separated from my DM for 12+ years and lived on his own during this time.
2 years ago, he befriended a 30 something year old "lady" from the pub. (To be clear, she's a heroin addicted prostitute with form for preying on the vulnerable and a criminal history as long as my arm).
Over the last 2 year's she's screwed him out of thousands upon thousands of pounds, used his flat as a crack den, had him driving drug dealers around, assaulted him, stolen his car multiple times, and so on. You get the picture.
He refuses to press charges as she is his 'girlfriend' / looks after him. I have taken so many tearful phone calls from him in the middle of the night, gone to his bedside at hospital, raced across town in the wee hours to be with him but he just will not cut her out of his life. The police have been brilliant and always kept me informed, although ultimately there's nothing they can do.
Earlier this year he has begun to use drugs. I know for a fact he is smoking crack, and possibly using heroin.
He has gone from 14st down to around 7st wet through.
He has medical issues anyway- diabetes and a heart complaint- so combined with this drug abuse there are a lot of concerns for his health.
I have the police and social services involved but both are tied by the fact that he has capacity and is just making poor decisions. At the moment they are just trying trying to manage the risk and keep a close eye on his mental state.
I have tried kicking her out. I have tried speaking to him. I have shouted, I have cried, I have given him an ultimatum between the drugs and his grandkids. He has chosen the drugs.
I am watching my father die before my very eyes and can do nothing about it.
It's keeping me away all night. It's consuming me. I am filled with sadness about it. I am filled with rage. I am over run with guilt because I can't stop it.
Is there somewhere I can turn for support or has anyone else had a similar experience?

PurpleWithRed Tue 28-Aug-18 23:13:01

I am so very sorry to hear this, what a horrible situation. Knowing you can’t fix it must be so hard.

Have you tried nar- anon? Google the uk website, they support families of narcotic addicts.

Ginger1982 Tue 28-Aug-18 23:18:08

Is there any way he could come and live with you? This sounds awful sad

labyrinth Tue 28-Aug-18 23:24:16

Thanks @purple I will have a look.
No unfortunately not @ginger. We have no room for him but even if we did he wouldn't come. The social worker dealing with him offered him a week respite and sold it to him as a holiday. He would only accept if he could take her with him.
Honestly he looks like a corpse. She has him so tied up in knots he doesn't know what's going on.
He was a such a proud and upstanding type of man all of my younger life. So against drugs etc. And now he has several crack pipes casually strewn on his coffee table for all and sundry to see. Doesn't even try to hide it.
I fear he won't last to see the end of the year at this rate.

foodiefil Tue 28-Aug-18 23:35:16

Dear god what an awful situation for you.

I'm sorry I have no advice but wishing you so much strength to deal with this ❤️

SilverHairedCat Tue 28-Aug-18 23:36:44

Go back to the police and social services and ask why your father is allowed to be used as a cuckoo and what they have in place to protect him. You may need him to agree to you being privy to this information, if he has been judged to have capacity in his affairs.

Ask what the police policy is on cuckooing, as ask to see a copy of it. Contact the Police Crime Commissioner for the area and ask them the same questions. Ask the same of social services in the area.

Ask if he has been served with any at risk notices. Are they looking to take any action on the house as a drug den? Have any anti social behaviour reports been made in relation to the house? Does he own it or is it a council flat? Is he at risk of losing it?

www.devon-cornwall.police.uk/easy-read/cuckooing-is-not-a-good-secret-to-keep/

As for his own drugs use.... If he doesn't want to get clean there is truly nothing you can do about it.

Totally agree that you would benefit from speaking to Al-Anon or have a look at Talk to Frank.

Tough times, I'm sorry.

howrudeforme Tue 28-Aug-18 23:44:40

I’m so sorry - awful that your df has come to this point.

Take the advice of others - it does sound like he’s being criminally exploited and they need to understand this rather than his current capacity status. Just awful for you all - I’m so sorry.

labyrinth Tue 28-Aug-18 23:47:37

They've basically said that due to him consenting to it all and refusing to support a prosecution that there is very little that they can do whilst he has capacity.
He rents his flat. The police have been in touch with his landlord and they have threatened (although reassured me that it's an empty threat) to use ASB legislation to evict him if he continues to allow this woman and he associates use his flat.
Again, DF not bothered by this. Even if he does get rid she'll be back in a couple of weeks.
His social worker basically said today that all agencies are afraid to force the issue too much because he is engaging with them at the moment. If he feels too under pressure he may close the door and refuse to engage and then they don't be able to help.
I see where they are coming from but at the same time feel like there should be something more they can do?

labyrinth Tue 28-Aug-18 23:49:07

And thank you all the advice and support. It's really appreciated. Feel thoroughly lost in all this!

labyrinth Wed 29-Aug-18 08:43:41

@silver I have emailed the PCC. Thank you. Will press the DC and SW but I have a feeling that I know what their response will be.

labyrinth Thu 30-Aug-18 11:33:47

PCC's office not interested and directed me back to the officers dealing already...hmm

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