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Am I an alcoholic? I'm so low.

(94 Posts)
imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 13:09:31

I should know the pain alcoholism and addiction brings. 1x parent a sober alcoholic 10 years in recovery (AA) and has turned her life around.

DB 16 months clean after a 16 year heroin addiction, residential rehab and now working the 12 steps too. Again, turned his life around.

I and they both know, one day at a time, everyday.

I'm drinking more and more, I'm in my 40's, I drink when I'm bored, I drink when I'm with people, I drink when I'm alone. My behaviour changes when I drink. I drink too much I know this.

But I function, I work full time, I earn good money, I run my own business, my DC is well looked after & always safe. my home is overly immaculate and we eat well.

But my behaviour changes when I drink, I can't just have one, I have to finish the bottle. I ring people and can't remember conversations (mortifying!!!!!!) everyday I say not again. I NEVER have alcohol in the house, if I decide to drink I'll got to the shop that minute and buy it.

WHY am I doing this? I hate myself for doing this sad

Highhorse1981 Sun 13-May-18 13:11:24

Sounds exactly like my beloved mother. I’m not kidding, exactly.

She died when I was 25 Years Old. Liver disease due to her alcoholism

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 13:19:30

I've been surrounded by addiction and alcoholism my entire life. You'd think I would never touch the bloody toxic shit.

I'm so so sorry about your beloved mother @Highhorse1981 my own mother was lucky enough to find her rock bottom and through AA has now has 10 happy sober years.

Do you drink out of interest?

Thank you for responding. thanks

Highhorse1981 Sun 13-May-18 13:21:18

Hardly ever.

I don’t want to put my children through anything like what I went through.

Plus I want to be around for them longer than 25.

That should be your motivation

donajimena Sun 13-May-18 13:21:43

I could have written this post last year. I was functioning with work and home life but I drank every day.
I wanted to stop but didn't think I could. Every morning I'd say not today but by 5pm I'd be buying wine.
I didn't hit a rock bottom as such but I realised that unless I actually did something about it nothing was going to change.
I can thoroughly recommend the book Jason vale kick the drink easily. It changed my life. I also joined Club soda on Facebook which is a support group for like minded people.
I'm not going to say it was easy for the first two weeks but it wasn't as hard as it could have been if I'd tried to do it myself.
Now my life is so much better. I sleep better. I'm not ashamed of myself. I don't drunk dial or Facebook.
Sometimes I might feel like I miss it. For example a sunny day I might think how nice a glass of wine might be but I know a glass wouldn't be enough and I'm not going back to the mess I was in.
Life is good. You can do it too but you do have to do the work. Good luck x

EleanorHooverbelt Sun 13-May-18 13:23:24

Please, OP, look into a rehab program ASAP. Invest in yourself. You sound ready to make changes and have admitted you can't do this alone. You have taken an important step in doing this, believe me.

Please don't waste any more time trying to do this yourself. Get professional help and quickly while you are still functioning to an extent. The functioning is a red herring (as you know) and you will only be able to hold onto that for so long before the whole pack of cards comes tumbling down.

Please seek help and do what you have to do to turn your life around. I understand. You will have your reasons for drinking like this. Therapy/rehab will get to the root of the problem. It's so much more complicated than just putting the bottle down. When you come through this (and you CAN) your life will be better than you could imagine.

Be kind to yourself, OP. flowers

Madmarchpear Sun 13-May-18 13:25:23

How much are you drinking op?

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 14:11:49

@donajimena thank you. Off to buy the book now, your kind words mean so much. One can be so judged. I'm proud for you.

Well here I go .... it happens today. smile

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 14:14:21

@EleanorHooverbelt thank you, again your kindness means an awful a lot.

I'm ready for change, I feel I've taken steps already but just haven't put the bottle the down.

I am already in counselling for dysfunctional relationships, I think it all links together and when it finally does, my hope will be the better life I'd ever imagined.

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 14:15:42

@Madmarchpear 3-4 Bottles of wine a week, most weeks.

It's not volume thou is it? It's the behaviour from the drinking and the fact I can't stop at one glass.

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 14:17:24

@Highhorse1981 did your darling mother ever get sober? I'm so sorry you lost her thanks

flatwhite45 Sun 13-May-18 15:17:14

Could not relate more. With all due respect to those suggesting your child should be a motivation, it just doesn’t work like that. It’s like saying you need to get over your depression because you have kids. Addiction is like any other mental illness. It cannot be treated through will power alone. It needs proper professional help and support. Well done for reaching out. Nine months ago I started a 12 step programme for addiction.,today I am a happy and whole human being. Much love and luck to you.

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 15:49:34

Thank you @flatwhite45 ..... it does tire me that people can say children should be your motivation. It totally runs deeper than that.

Well done on the 12 steps, it changed my DM's and DB's life. In fact it saved their lives.

donajimena Sun 13-May-18 17:26:54

You can't stop at one glass because its addictive. Its not a flaw in your character. Not everyone gets addicted to the same extent but anyone who drinks alcohol regularly certainly has a dependency.
The book has totally transformed the way I view alcohol. If it helps you can drink while you read it wink
You may also find Annie Grace on YouTube a real support.
Other books that are inspiring are The Sober diaries by Claire Pooley and The unexpected joy of being sober by Catherine Gray. Once you have made the decision immersing yourself in 'quit lit' really helps fill the void where alcohol would have been.
The void does go! I now spend my evenings devouring fiction as my relaxation smile

SpeckledDot Sun 13-May-18 17:57:17

Stop hanging around with people who drink a lot. Don't know whether you do but that helped me. Other drinkers won't want you to get better, they just want a pal to drink with

Racecardriver Sun 13-May-18 18:09:23

My mother was intelligent, funny, kind, interesting, dedicated to her work and by all amounts normal in her public life but she drank at home. It stated with a bit of wine at the end of the day to unwind. Then it became a fly of wine straight from the box hidden in her cupboard the second she got home. Then it was wine all night long just to fall asleep. Then the wine wasn't enough. She would disappear into her room the second she came home and come out half and hour later drunk on vodka which made her nasty and abusive. Then that wasn't enough and she would drink so much so quickly that she would be sitting on the sofa in a s
Drunken stupor before 7 every night. Then even this wasn't enough. She started abusing prescription uppers in the morning to peel herself up in the morning then drowning herself in vodka in the evening. People at work noticed and she lost her job. She then was constantly drunk all day and all night. She died shortly after. She wasn't even sixty. I was relieved.

You may be on the horse at the moment but don't wait to fall off to try to save yourself. It may be too late.

Don't turn into my mother. Please don't turn into my mother.

Highhorse1981 Sun 13-May-18 19:23:12

imsoboredwithitall

It was a catalogue of diasaters if I’m honest.

She was a wonderful mother. Full of love, gentle, wonderful at being a mum if you know what I mean.
Then the drinking began when I was around 18. Started slowly but escalated.
So much drama, awful awful drama. You mentioning ringing people resonated with me a lot. That was part of the early stage.

Anyway, two attempts at rehab at extortionate cost, initially sober. For a couple of weeks at most. The second time she met a fellow alcoholic at rehab and they checked out. That was the beginning of the end.

I lost my mum when I was 25. I was the eldest of my siblings. My mum was 58. She has missed out so much. She would have been the most remarkable grandma.
I have missed out. My goodness I needed my mum when I had children and then when I was going through a divorce.

So when those suffering with alcohol addiction say that it is annoying / frustrating when people say “think of your children”, I say - I don’t give a damn if it annoys or frustrated you or it’s not that simple. Think of your children.

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 19:41:04

@Highhorse1981 ..... I read your story with the same feelings. As I say with my story, my mother too is an alcoholic but through hitting rock bottom and AA this is her 10th year sober.

She fucked my childhood, she is partly the reason I'm living such a dysfunctional life now my father is responsible too of course. So yes I do listen to you, I don't want my DC to have the same childhood I did, I don't want my child to be the insecure, lonely adult I am today.

I don't think my mother deliberately intended to harm my childhood and early adult years, she is an addict, she always will be.

I'm sad for you that you lost your Mum to such an awful situation.

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 19:43:02

@SpeckledDot ... as I said in my OP, it's not just people I drink around. I drink alone too, which I am certainly not proud of.

I am slowly starting to avoid boozy situations thou, like nights out, BBQ's recently etc

Thank you thou, any advice is welcome

Highhorse1981 Sun 13-May-18 19:45:36

You sound so thoughtful and insightful Op

I really hope you sort this

All the best

imsoboredwithitall Sun 13-May-18 19:53:27

Thank you @Highhorse1981 I hope you have peace that your Mum was a good person x

imsoboredwithitall Thu 17-May-18 07:53:02

I'm off to my first AA meeting tomorrow. I am terrified.

Str4ngedaysindeed Thu 17-May-18 07:58:37

This was me five years ago - drinking alone, drinking out, drinking in the evenings (I stopped drinking first thing when I got a responsible job, but I still fancied it!) The final straw came for me when I (again) made a complete fool of myself and upset too many people. I did try AA, but for me, it wasn't the right thing. It is a really good step though - please do go. I did it in the end by just spending a week feeling bloody awful and then taking it day by day,. Five years on, life is transformed and every day, while not always fantastic, is at least, clear. Alcohol , for people like, I'll say 'us', is a dangerous and horrible drug and you CAN get through it. Please let us know how it goes - PM me if you want .

imsoboredwithitall Thu 17-May-18 08:42:31

You see I feel very sceptical of AA even thou my DM and DB work the program and it truly saved their lives.

I've also downloaded some books as recommended by PP.

I just cannot go on another fucking week like this one, I was sick everywhere yesterday, feel ashamed, disgusted and as you say pissed off too many people AGAIN.

I will take the step to AA as at least I am at admitting point that alcohol is ruining my life.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. You must feel wonderful about yourself. Well Done.

ColdCottage Thu 17-May-18 08:49:46

Well done OP for starting a difficult journey. Every step counts. How was your first meeting? How is it going? Good luck.

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