New Baby and husband develops gambling addiction- Huge debt and lies(8 Posts)
I've always known my OH has quite a bad self destructive streak, if things are going well he usually looks to sabotage it somehow and often it's not even a conscious thing. He had a terrible upbringing, quite badly physically and emotionally abused by his step dad so I know these issues are deep rooted.
He has a very responsible job, we own our own house, been married 6 years and just had our first baby 3 months ago.
I've known he's been hiding something for a while as we don't ever seem to have any money yet as far as my own calculations go we should have plenty, yet I can't even afford a winter coat (baby weight stopping my clothes from fitting for the time being). When ever I asked about our finances he would become very defensive, shouting at me and accusing me of not being thankful for him working hard to provide for the family and complaining we don't have enough cash. I could never reason with him.
My grandad paid £15k a year ago to get us out of credit card debt, which I was paying back out of my wages monthly (I'm now on basic maternity pay). I was thankful to my Gramps but I was always confused as to where this £15k had gone as we didn't live a luxurious life, almost never went anywhere but cinema/dinner and only had one holiday which we paid for monthly. Then August this year he tells me there's huge CC debt again, we need a consolidation loan to make easier payments for when the Baby cams and clear any finance. I thought it was a good idea as we couldn't afford to keep paying what we were on my basic mat pay- but still he wouldn't explain where this debt on the CCs came from. "It's gone on life!! Don't you understand!?" He would shout at me. This consolidation loan was £27.5k and out of that we cleared all cc debt (still unsure how much it was as it also turns out he's a compulsive liar) and anything on finance. All together we should have been paying £220 a month back- and when I went back to work we could pay it back faster as I'm in Recruitment so earn commission. Sounded like a great plan...
Last week he tells me £10k is racked up on CC again (since August). He breaks down telling me he has a gambling addiction and he's so sorry for how he's treated me re money and for lying but now he's in a pit and can't get out. I knew he was still lying and last night managed to get it out of him that it's actually £17.5k debt racked up on CC which he's also over drawn on and paying huge fees and interest every month (around £300). A letter has come through saying it's been passed to collections to pay £509 that has been over drawn.
I've told him he must go to therapy it's not negotiable if he wants this relationship to continue. From now on i will have access to his Experian and also all bank log in details for current and credit accounts. He won't have access to his money, but I'll be giving him a £10 cash allowance each day. He can save it or spend it but I want receipts and the change back at the end of each day. I have permission to open all of his post.
He has agreed to all of this as he doesn't trust himself with his own finances. I am hurt and angry that he's done this to us. We are having to sell the house to get us out of this mess and will be moving in with my grandad.
I doubt we will be ever able to get back on the housing ladder now and I feel so hurt and betrayed and so so so stupid too.
Has anyone here got experience in a similar situation? I need to know if it's possible to move on from this. We can't even get my baby boy a present for his first Christmas let alone the rest of the family or each other. I know Christmas isn't the important thing here it's just the cherry on the cake ....
Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear this. I just came to the addiction topic to look for advice too as my DH has a gambling problem also.
So unfortunately i have no advice for you.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things with regards to controlling the money and insisting he goes to therapy for it.
My DH won't admit its a problem yet... he promised me last week that he wouldn't go to the casino anymore - just checked the (joint) account and he spent £3000 there last night . I haven't seen him yet to confront him but it baffles me because he KNOWS I would see it ?!
So, sorry I have nothing of substance to add in terms of advice but I'm here to listen
Hello, I had a very similar situation two years ago, debt was £8k and I was pregnant. I also couldn’t work out where the money was going, ge lied through his teeth, on several occasions took my card out of my purse and took money out of my account, and we ended up having a loan shark knocking on the door. DP has a similar sounding rough background, and we had some wider family issues and he was out of work for a short time and I think basically had a breakdown. Horrendous time, though I am higher earner so wasn’t dependent on him. I did however have to complete purchase on our new house by getting cash out on my credit card.
DP was totally broken and did all the same things as yours. I took access to all the money, I also give him about £10 a day and his salary is paid into my bank account. This last was a massive thing for me that he suggested it and went through with it. He can’t get credit (I know because we tried to get him added onto my current account and he was declined) so I am confident that he simply doesn’t have access to the funds to do it again.
Not having access to funds also makes him feel very secure oddly enough. He also goes to counselling and is on beta blockers from the GP for anxiety, both have which has helped.
I love him to pieces, he’s a wonderful man, and I’m so pleased we gave it a bash. It is always a worry that it might happen again I suppose, but we have made it work.
It's really good to hear Vanilla that you have come through the other side. And great that you did much of what the OP has decided to do. I hope she comes back and sees your message.
My DH isn't at the stage where he has admitted he has a problem yet. And because he's a high earner he just dismisses it. I also don't work so it's "his" money (although that's my own projection, he's never made me feel that way)
I just felt so upset when I saw how much he had spent last night
Sorry ladies only just checked back now.
So over Christmas etc. it's not been feasible for him to do his counselling (he wanted to try at home CBT first which I agreed to). And with everything being so messy over the holidays we haven't swapped his money over yet.
Tbh his attitude is getting worse and last night stormed out and didn't come back for three hours because I'd mentioned that he promised he wouldn't be at the gym (including travel time) longer than 3 hours at a go and yesterday he stayed for almost 4 hours by the time I called him to see where he was. Because of my mentioning this he said he hates me and our relationship, and is dissatisfied we haven't had much sex recently. To be honest he's lucky he's getting sex at all- our LB was 4 months yesterday and I had horrific 4th degree tears!
Sorry I know this is completely off topic I'm just ranting now. He's currently treating himself to his second lay in of the weekend while I'm up with the baby again.
I think I just want him gone now. No point in trying to make it work with such an ungrateful ass hat. I feel I have nothing left to give him xxx
Hi im new to mumnet, i came on here specifically for this reason, i can relate to so much of what you have said, i feel like i am yours years down the line, i have a 6yr old and 3yr old, my husband always had a gambling problem i hadn't known about it until my first son was 3 months old, his mum and dad bailed him out he had no debts but when he becaa father something triggered him, he got out if hand with his gambling started accusing me if not having enough sex, always moaning never letting him do anything, he would blame me for everyth wrong in his life, would manipulate me , tell me extensive lies and i was so stupid to believe him! He made me believe that i was the irrational one and it was all my fault! We had a second child and yet again he went off the rails, i can understand why this sounds crazy but I had no monet he earns a lot if money and stopped giving me money for all the bills my mum has basically been buying our food and paying towards our bills because my husband leaves us with nothing.
I have been incredibly patient with him but gamblers always manage ro make a mess of anything good happening in their and everyone close to thema lives.
I go round in circles being caught and fooled by all the lies that come with covereing up the gambling. Iv stayed because iv now realised this isnt any if my fault , nothing no matter what he says and i know he is mentally ill, I want to stand by him because ge us the father of my kids whom he loves with all his heart. He sats he is getting help, im ivited yo his bext GA meeting but to be honest im at a crossroads , i dont want to disrupt our kids lives going through a divorce when we still love each other, but im.not sure how much more I can take. My advice would be to leave him while your child is still young and doesnt know whats going on. If your life us anything like mine you face a future of stress and misery x
From m experience, can I advise that the best and most effective way to manage this addiction is by attending GA. It works. It also will make him face up to people who know what he is going through and can support and guide him. Gam Anon will also give you support. Make him go if need be.
Hi, can anyone help/give any advice?
Very, very long story (this is the short version) but I am divorcing my Ex because, after 10 years and two children (8&6yrs) he continues to put cocaine, alcohol and hanging out with prostitutes ahead of being there for his family. He moved out July 1st '17.
He was unable to have the children unsupervised until he provided a clean drug test. In Feb '18 I agreed to him having a urine test (only shows 5 days use) on the understanding that he had the full DNA hair strand test end of April (now) which shows 6 months of usage, being 6 months after his last big blow out on coke etc (according to him). This was all agreed by email in Jan & Feb '18.
First my children have to deal with daddy moving out / mummy and daddy getting divorced; then with not being able to see him much (because he objected to being supervised, so just didn't see them at all really); then he has the basic test in Feb and they start going to him on a Wednesday and every other weekend. It has taken them a while to settle into this new routine.
Last week I asked him to confirm what date/time his DNA drug test is booked for, and therefore when I can expect the results, and he tells me he is too busy to have the test until the end of June. (Who on earth is too busy to protect their relationship with their children and their children's emotional well-being??)
As a result of his unwillingness to have the test as agreed, within the agreed timescales, I have had to withdraw unsupervised contact with immediate effect. So, come Wednesday when my babies will be expecting to go to see Daddy, I get to break the news that they won't be going to daddy's for a little while.
So, the help I need - have any of you had to explain parental addiction to your young children? I have now been advised to tell them the truth, in simple terms that they will be able to process. But how? What words do I use? What do I say?
I can probably fudge my way through Wednesday saying daddy is busy with work but what of this coming weekend, and next Wednesday etc.
My heart is breaking at the very thought of shattering their childhood any further but I've already been the bad guy and had to deal with their anger and accusation (in October Daddy told them he didn't want this divorce and that it was Mummy's idea - helpful!!).
I have protected him for years but I will not have my own relationship with my children jeopardised by his actions.
I have done some research and found that some people use the words 'special medicines' to explain drugs.
Has anyone been there, done this? Does anyone have any advice on how to talk to such young children about additicion?
Thank you in advance for any help you can give.
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