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New Baby and husband develops gambling addiction- Huge debt and lies

(1 Post)
LetItRain88 Thu 07-Dec-17 14:12:56

I've always known my OH has quite a bad self destructive streak, if things are going well he usually looks to sabotage it somehow and often it's not even a conscious thing. He had a terrible upbringing, quite badly physically and emotionally abused by his step dad so I know these issues are deep rooted.

He has a very responsible job, we own our own house, been married 6 years and just had our first baby 3 months ago.

I've known he's been hiding something for a while as we don't ever seem to have any money yet as far as my own calculations go we should have plenty, yet I can't even afford a winter coat (baby weight stopping my clothes from fitting for the time being). When ever I asked about our finances he would become very defensive, shouting at me and accusing me of not being thankful for him working hard to provide for the family and complaining we don't have enough cash. I could never reason with him.

My grandad paid £15k a year ago to get us out of credit card debt, which I was paying back out of my wages monthly (I'm now on basic maternity pay). I was thankful to my Gramps but I was always confused as to where this £15k had gone as we didn't live a luxurious life, almost never went anywhere but cinema/dinner and only had one holiday which we paid for monthly. Then August this year he tells me there's huge CC debt again, we need a consolidation loan to make easier payments for when the Baby cams and clear any finance. I thought it was a good idea as we couldn't afford to keep paying what we were on my basic mat pay- but still he wouldn't explain where this debt on the CCs came from. "It's gone on life!! Don't you understand!?" He would shout at me. This consolidation loan was £27.5k and out of that we cleared all cc debt (still unsure how much it was as it also turns out he's a compulsive liar) and anything on finance. All together we should have been paying £220 a month back- and when I went back to work we could pay it back faster as I'm in Recruitment so earn commission. Sounded like a great plan...

Last week he tells me £10k is racked up on CC again (since August). He breaks down telling me he has a gambling addiction and he's so sorry for how he's treated me re money and for lying but now he's in a pit and can't get out. I knew he was still lying and last night managed to get it out of him that it's actually £17.5k debt racked up on CC which he's also over drawn on and paying huge fees and interest every month (around £300). A letter has come through saying it's been passed to collections to pay £509 that has been over drawn.

I've told him he must go to therapy it's not negotiable if he wants this relationship to continue. From now on i will have access to his Experian and also all bank log in details for current and credit accounts. He won't have access to his money, but I'll be giving him a £10 cash allowance each day. He can save it or spend it but I want receipts and the change back at the end of each day. I have permission to open all of his post.

He has agreed to all of this as he doesn't trust himself with his own finances. I am hurt and angry that he's done this to us. We are having to sell the house to get us out of this mess and will be moving in with my grandad.

I doubt we will be ever able to get back on the housing ladder now and I feel so hurt and betrayed and so so so stupid too.

Has anyone here got experience in a similar situation? I need to know if it's possible to move on from this. We can't even get my baby boy a present for his first Christmas let alone the rest of the family or each other. I know Christmas isn't the important thing here it's just the cherry on the cake ....

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